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**Edit**Touchy subject... OT... But need advice.

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I need some advice on what u would do in my shoes.
Dh and I have 2 kiddos together, ds is 5, dd is 6w. My parents live in CO. I have a horrible relationship w/ my mother and step-dad. So much so, that we don't visit them or anything. They come out here (AZ) sometimes but, we still don't see them that much.
I have a lot of issues with them. My step dad was a horrible father figure. He drank, did drugs, pawned our stuff off and, unfortunately, molested me when I was 7. My mother doesn't know. She knew he did drugs and drank and stole. And she did nothing. She just let me and my 4 younger siblings (they are all his) live through it. I was the oldest and got the worse of it.
Well, my SD never saw my son much, and when he did my grandparents (maternal) had strict instructions to be in the room. But, now that we have a dd, I don't want that man anywhere near her!!

How would u go about telling this to them w/o making it known what happened? I am only asking becuz they are thinking about coming down for Xmas and I'm worried.
It's been 18 years... I'm not gonna dig up old hurt and tell my mom when 1)I'm not sure she would believe me anyway 2) it would just cause issues.

Thank u for all the replies ladies! I thought I would clarify a few things cuz I got asked them a few times.
1) the reason I CANNOT say anything is becuz... My mother has always been very jealous of my relationship w/ my grandparents. I was much closer to them (go figure, she was a bitch) and when I was 16 she told me my grandfather (her dad) molested her when she was a teen. She threatened she would tell everyone what he did to her if I didn't "keep the peace". I have spoken to my dh about what she said and neither of us believe her story. I think it was just a threat or a story becuz my grandpa won't even hurt a fly.., literally! He spanked me once as a child (I totally deserved it too). He has never been anything but gentle and sweet to me or any other child. And if I tell her what my SD did, I am afraid she'll come back and tell everyone that he hurt her. My grandpa is 72. It would probably kill him to be honest and I would never forgive myself. I have 0 relationship w/ my stepdad. He isn't allowed in my house and I don't speak to him.
2) I believe it was jut about me, and not anyone else. Why? Becuz it's still occurring. I recieved a random comment last year on FB from "my mom" that read.. "You hold post a pic of all the weight U've lost so we can see how fine u r looking". I KNOW my SD posted that, and unfortunately so does my little brother. I used to get random messages on MySpace and FB from bogus accounts that would tell me how sexy I was or blah blah blah and he would always say something to give away it was him.

My mom has been very supportive of me. If I needed anything during this pregnancy she was there and gave It to me or whatever. I hate to just cut her off. But, u all have made valid points. She wasn't a good mom. She broke my heart a long time ago and it can't be repaired. I wish I could tell her, but it will have to wait until my grandpa passes on his own time. Then I can let the cat out. Just wanted ideas on how to hold off until then. (Which I'm praying is many many more years).
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by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:07 AM
Replies (31-40):
pinkiebabii
by Jennie on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:00 PM
12 or 13

Quoting lifetimelove:

How old was your brother when this happened?

Quoting pinkiebabii:

My brother molested my male cousin at age 2 and I was okay with him and my mom for years until my son was born. My brother but him but every time he saw him or held him (NEVER alone) I wanted to throw up so I told my mom that my brother was not allowed to be around my son at all!

Well fast forward a month or two and my mom is pushing on me to let my brother see the baby each time I ignored her. Well SO has terminal brain cancer and my mom was hosting a fundraiser at her bar, where SO worked, and when we showed up, my brother was there (he is 17, and it was after midnight at a bar, and he isn't allowed around me or my son) so the next day my mom and SO got into a fight about it and my mom fired her and I do not talk to my mom at all now.



Me telling my mom the truth, has ruined our relationship, the relationship between her and her grandson, and the relationship between her and the rest of my family.

My son was born the day before Easter and I told her how I felt a few days after mothers day. In between that time I saw my brother several times and he held my son three times, one of which he kissed him. I almost threw up! I cried every time my brother saw him once I got home and I had nightmares constantly, that he molested my son. I wish I had sated something during pregnancy and had not gone through that!!

If you don't say anything, you will regret it!!! I do every single second of every day regret that disgusting piece of shit met my son!!


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PEEK05
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:00 PM

Exactly my thoughts

Quoting ruby_jewel_04:

Personally I can't believe you didn't tell your mother. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my kids. Ever. You need to tell her.





svolkov
by Bronze Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:01 PM
This! U need to say something. He proboboly has other grandkids too /:


Quoting Honeybunches26:

i would tell her hes not welcome she can see her grandkids if shed like... if i were you because you obviously still love your mom enough to care how she feels/reacts... if I knew the man that molested me and if I saw him again hed fucking disappear he almost ruined my life.. and left me with such horrible pain.. so I cant even contemplate being able to look at him without killing him.. or breaking at least one bone but that is how i feel... it seems you arent feeling that way because youve been able to see him since then and not rehash that.. so in your case id tell her she can visit but he cant and tell her its not open for discussion..and that i wont explain myself... also many pervs dont care if male or female they want to destroy innocence.. so your son is in no way safe... but true pedaphilles do care for sex of child.. in any case... i hope you can get through this! 


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sktrowb
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:05 PM
I was raped by my uncle. He is in jail but if he would get out my kids won't even know who he is. Everyone in the family knows what happened though. I would tell them you don't want the bad influence or just make sure you are always there.
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luvmyaustin
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:07 PM
Well you made your decision on not telling and a decision to allow you sd to stay in your home im assuming this is not justified imo but we will move on don't ever let him be alone with the kids only with you or dh present have the kids sleep with you in your room door closed if anyone questions it is what it is next i would seek counseling for you it still hurts and bothers you i can tell
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nanasue31204
by Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:15 PM
1 mom liked this
Tell her! I had a similar thing happen to me and only told my parents this past year, 23 years after the molestation occurred. I had 3 sons and chose to make sure I was always present if I had to see my molester, who is one of my dads relatives, we only saw them 3 times since I had my boys. I then became pregnant with my daughter and everything changed, it was like a switch flipped. I started having nightmares and flashbacks, I was a nervous wreck. I decided to finally tell my parents and let them know that I was completely cutting off the person and the entire household that lives with the scum. Unfortunately that includes my grandma and great aunt but I can't stomach the thought of my daughter being near the pervert. I wont even send a picture because it feels like sending kiddie porn to my molester. I also confronted my molester in a letter, letting them know I finally told and that they no longer have any control over me. It was the most freeing thing I've ever done, and I wish I'd told my parents as soon as it happened but as a 6 year old I was afraid I wouldn't be believed. Stand your ground and never let your molester near your child, I know that my molester hurt at least one other person since me and now I carry that guilt around, knowing if I told they would have went to jail and never had the opportunity. I know I'd never forgive myself if it happened to my DD because I was afraid to cause trouble in the family.
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luckymomof6
by Member on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:17 PM
1 mom liked this
You need to decide what is right for you and your children and protect them. I just would like to know if you ever thought if your SD violated any of your siblings? Maybe they are frighten to tell their secret and you confronting this situation wil help them also.
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soulofsunmama
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:26 PM
Yup

Quoting aehanrahan:

I agree.



Quoting Nicolle_09:

honestly i know that you dont want to say anything but it sounds like you need to, if she doesnt believe you then well you go from there.

BUT if you dont want to truly say anything then dont let baby girl out of your arms or sling or wrap. 

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silka08
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:42 PM
It does happen and its so sad. Our church doesnt allow any staff or volunteer ti be alone with kids EVER. If the teachers helper is late the parents must stay. Coaches arent allowed to provide rides for any players either (sports league through cjurvh). You want to trusr people but really you cant amd need precautions in place.


Quoting Precious333:



Quoting fahmom:

Honestly I would tell. If not your mom then just your grandparents. Otherwise I would not let that man in sight of my kids nor me.

After my dad died I found out some disturbing things about my grandfather (paternal). He molested my dad and his brother and sisters and several cousins and what's worse is my grandma caught him in the act of doing it. Yet no one has ever said anything. I knew we weren't allowed at my grandparents very often and only under strict supervision but I never knew why. This man sits on the board of a church founded by his family but doesn't even attend services there. I don't care who they are they are not a part of my or my children's lives. Better safe than sorry.

I was molested as a child as well not by a family member though. I don't let anyone watch my son besides my immediate family (my mom and MIL) but even then it is a rare occasion. People may give us a hard time about it but I don't care. I still go to the church nursery with my son. My SIL was molested by the pastor of a church. It is like America's dirty little secret. I don't think people are aware just how much it happens in our society.


so sarry :( I was surpirsed ot hear from many friend, including my bestfriend, that it happened to them. I would have thought my bestfriend would have said something when we were younger, I think it was so traumatic that she burried it!


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silka08
by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:45 PM
Your brother was likely molested or saw something and repeated the action. Am awful cycle. I hope he recieved treatment.


Quoting pinkiebabii:

12 or 13



Quoting lifetimelove:

How old was your brother when this happened?

Quoting pinkiebabii:

My brother molested my male cousin at age 2 and I was okay with him and my mom for years until my son was born. My brother but him but every time he saw him or held him (NEVER alone) I wanted to throw up so I told my mom that my brother was not allowed to be around my son at all!


Well fast forward a month or two and my mom is pushing on me to let my brother see the baby each time I ignored her. Well SO has terminal brain cancer and my mom was hosting a fundraiser at her bar, where SO worked, and when we showed up, my brother was there (he is 17, and it was after midnight at a bar, and he isn't allowed around me or my son) so the next day my mom and SO got into a fight about it and my mom fired her and I do not talk to my mom at all now.





Me telling my mom the truth, has ruined our relationship, the relationship between her and her grandson, and the relationship between her and the rest of my family.


My son was born the day before Easter and I told her how I felt a few days after mothers day. In between that time I saw my brother several times and he held my son three times, one of which he kissed him. I almost threw up! I cried every time my brother saw him once I got home and I had nightmares constantly, that he molested my son. I wish I had sated something during pregnancy and had not gone through that!!


If you don't say anything, you will regret it!!! I do every single second of every day regret that disgusting piece of shit met my son!!




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