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**Edit**Touchy subject... OT... But need advice.

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I need some advice on what u would do in my shoes.
Dh and I have 2 kiddos together, ds is 5, dd is 6w. My parents live in CO. I have a horrible relationship w/ my mother and step-dad. So much so, that we don't visit them or anything. They come out here (AZ) sometimes but, we still don't see them that much.
I have a lot of issues with them. My step dad was a horrible father figure. He drank, did drugs, pawned our stuff off and, unfortunately, molested me when I was 7. My mother doesn't know. She knew he did drugs and drank and stole. And she did nothing. She just let me and my 4 younger siblings (they are all his) live through it. I was the oldest and got the worse of it.
Well, my SD never saw my son much, and when he did my grandparents (maternal) had strict instructions to be in the room. But, now that we have a dd, I don't want that man anywhere near her!!

How would u go about telling this to them w/o making it known what happened? I am only asking becuz they are thinking about coming down for Xmas and I'm worried.
It's been 18 years... I'm not gonna dig up old hurt and tell my mom when 1)I'm not sure she would believe me anyway 2) it would just cause issues.

Thank u for all the replies ladies! I thought I would clarify a few things cuz I got asked them a few times.
1) the reason I CANNOT say anything is becuz... My mother has always been very jealous of my relationship w/ my grandparents. I was much closer to them (go figure, she was a bitch) and when I was 16 she told me my grandfather (her dad) molested her when she was a teen. She threatened she would tell everyone what he did to her if I didn't "keep the peace". I have spoken to my dh about what she said and neither of us believe her story. I think it was just a threat or a story becuz my grandpa won't even hurt a fly.., literally! He spanked me once as a child (I totally deserved it too). He has never been anything but gentle and sweet to me or any other child. And if I tell her what my SD did, I am afraid she'll come back and tell everyone that he hurt her. My grandpa is 72. It would probably kill him to be honest and I would never forgive myself. I have 0 relationship w/ my stepdad. He isn't allowed in my house and I don't speak to him.
2) I believe it was jut about me, and not anyone else. Why? Becuz it's still occurring. I recieved a random comment last year on FB from "my mom" that read.. "You hold post a pic of all the weight U've lost so we can see how fine u r looking". I KNOW my SD posted that, and unfortunately so does my little brother. I used to get random messages on MySpace and FB from bogus accounts that would tell me how sexy I was or blah blah blah and he would always say something to give away it was him.

My mom has been very supportive of me. If I needed anything during this pregnancy she was there and gave It to me or whatever. I hate to just cut her off. But, u all have made valid points. She wasn't a good mom. She broke my heart a long time ago and it can't be repaired. I wish I could tell her, but it will have to wait until my grandpa passes on his own time. Then I can let the cat out. Just wanted ideas on how to hold off until then. (Which I'm praying is many many more years).
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by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 1:07 AM
Replies (51-53):
mostlymaydays
by Group Mod-Stacy on Oct. 14, 2012 at 1:04 AM
1 mom liked this
I want to add that maintaining unhealthy relationships just because "it's family" and you want the kids to have some relationship, is a very dangerous precedent. My mother is mean and teases my kids so I avoid her like the plague. I protect my kids from her. I *wish* my kids had a relationship with their grandmother, but *no* relationship is better than an unhealthy one. Kids need to learn that they can opt-out of unhealthy relationships. Kids that witness or live with abuse as kids don't run from it as quickly when they're older. One of my favorite analogies: if you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump right out. But If you put the frog in room temp water and slowly turn it up to boiling, the frog gets used to it and doesn't jump out. **** I hope your kids learn to jump out of the pot.

If your mother was filled will great hope and love and promise, she wouldn't be with someone like your SD. They are a partnership. Somehow they are a functioning couple. If she was healthy at all, SHE WOULD JUMP FROM THE POT. I agree with the others that say she should be avoided as well, with no guilt on your part. Even if that man never touches one of your kids, he can still do a lot of damage with how he looks at them, words he uses with them, how he smiles at them. My skin is crawling right now.
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mftmommy
by on Oct. 14, 2012 at 7:31 PM
1 mom liked this
You are stronger than you know. You want/need to protect your children or you would not have posted this. Tell your mother what happened or don't. But either way, don't allow your mom or SD to be around your children. Your mother is just as guilty as your SD - she let it happen and has consistently taken his side and abandoned you. You deserve some peace and happiness. (((Hugs)))
aehanrahan
by Group Mod - Amy on Oct. 14, 2012 at 10:20 PM
I completely agree with this!

Quoting mostlymaydays:

I want to add that maintaining unhealthy relationships just because "it's family" and you want the kids to have some relationship, is a very dangerous precedent. My mother is mean and teases my kids so I avoid her like the plague. I protect my kids from her. I *wish* my kids had a relationship with their grandmother, but *no* relationship is better than an unhealthy one. Kids need to learn that they can opt-out of unhealthy relationships. Kids that witness or live with abuse as kids don't run from it as quickly when they're older. One of my favorite analogies: if you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump right out. But If you put the frog in room temp water and slowly turn it up to boiling, the frog gets used to it and doesn't jump out. **** I hope your kids learn to jump out of the pot.



If your mother was filled will great hope and love and promise, she wouldn't be with someone like your SD. They are a partnership. Somehow they are a functioning couple. If she was healthy at all, SHE WOULD JUMP FROM THE POT. I agree with the others that say she should be avoided as well, with no guilt on your part. Even if that man never touches one of your kids, he can still do a lot of damage with how he looks at them, words he uses with them, how he smiles at them. My skin is crawling right now.
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