I feel like I'm supposed to LOVE breastfeeding. I feel like I should be all, "YAY BREASTFEEDING!" and "Everything's going great, I'm so happy!" and that I SHOULD be happy. I was trying to talk to a friend of the family about nursing her baby. She was asking questions and I was answering her. The whole time, I felt so fake. Of course I support BFing and I'm proud of all who do it, and I'm jealous of those who have a great nursing experience. I tried explaining to her that it will get better, the first couple weeks are the hardest, it stops hurting, it gets easier, she'll love it...but that's just because it's what I've heard. I know it's best for Baby and I told her that as well. But I...
I hate nursing. Hate. It. DD is 7.5 months old, it's still painful. Horribly painful. I've seen several different people about what I think is a lip tie. It HAS stretched a tiny bit since birth, but not by much. I don't know how 'bad' it has to be for anyone to take notice. At first I mentioned it to my pediatrician. She looked at it, said nothing about it, then referred me to an ENT. He said to see a Lactation Consultant before he took any action, but he was weary cutting it because he'd never cut a lip tie on an infant before, and then admitted to not really having much knowledge on lip ties, just tongue ties. I went to see an LC. She said DD's latch seemed fine (it's not...), and that if I wanted, I could try taking her to a dentist. (Then she, too, said she wasn't experienced in lip ties.) So I went to a ped dentist who DOES do lip ties, and she just said, "She'll probably have a little gap in her teeth," gave me a toothbrush for DD and sent me on my way.
Then I moved to NY a little over a month ago, saw a new ped doctor for a well-check, and they said they didn't have any concrete evidence that cutting it would do anything, and they don't cut until the child is having issues with speech. When I tried saying it was painful, the lady was like, "Oh was it red? -So there was a blister? -It was raw?" (She kept cutting me off! I finally spit out ON ME IT HURTS ON ME) Then the actual doctor came in after reading her notes and was like, "Oh it's not that bad. Come back in 3 months for another well check."
Rambling. But the point is that I feel like a liar when I talk about nursing and how it's so great. Because I'm lying. It always hurts, some times more than others. I hate it, and I wish I could be done. I'm not loving it. Nursing isn't giving me a spectacular bond with my baby-We do have a bond, but it's because I'm mommy, and up until last month she's really only ever been around me, DH, and DS. I'm her caretaker. Not because we breastfeed. I like that I'm giving her the healthiest choice, it's free, she's HAPPY, it's quick...but inside, I CANNOT WAIT for her to be done. My goal is 1 year. If she's still going strong, I will let her keep going and wean her off at 2. But if I'm still feeling this way at a year, I'm sorry, Baby, but you're getting cut off. And it makes me feel guilty. What kind of Mom can't wait to get her baby off the boob? Everytime she's hungry, I think, "This would be so much better if it WASN'T like this."
Well. Kudos for reading the whole thing if you did. I know it's wasn't put together very well. I just kind of kept going, didn't I? lol. Long story short, I hate nursing, and I feel like a failure for feeling this way.