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Breastfeeding Moms Breastfeeding Moms

Husband advice?

Posted by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 9:14 AM
  • 40 Replies
**first I want to say, I don't want this to be a husband bash fest, so please don't.

Dh is not supportive of me breastfeeding. When I told him I planned on breastfeeding he asked why, said it was weird and nobody he knew ever breastfed. Guess that's why it's weird to you huh?! Well dd is 3 weeks now and he hasn't gotten any better. I ask for help when she's fussy or if I even look frustrated and hell give me remarks like "this is what you wanted" "you just had to breastfeed" "I don't know what you expect me to do, you're the one that got her on the boob" and the most annoying "just give her the formula".

It's only been 3 weeks and I'm getting tired of hearing the crap. I've explained how healthy it is, did the research and showed him, had my dr explain. He just doesn't get it. In every other aspect, he's wonderful. Very helpful with house work, diapers, making sure the other kids are taken care of. All I really have to do is keep them all alive while he's at work lol he wonderful. But his attitude about breastfeeding is starting to almost make me resent him. This is something I feel strongly about. I love breastfeeding. I loved it with my first. It's not easy sometimes, and it is frustrating when she only wants me, but it's all part of the experience and its worth it. I just don't know how to make him understand. Do I just give him time and hope he will warm up? I will not give up breastfeeding because he doesn't like it (no he hasnt asked me to, but the comments pretty much get the point across) I don't normally like excluding his feelings, but I feel like he's being pretty unreasonable.

But it's not just him either. Nobody in my family has breastfed and all make comments about it. I even had an aunt tell me breastfeeding was bad for babies health, teeth and made them obese. Like no, do your research. I went to a family party a week or 2 ago and had to feed her, I took her inside to nurse where it was quiet and three people were like "thats got to be annoying, i dont know why you do it. you're missing out on everything to nurse her". I feel totally alone in this whole little journey. Nobody to share the excitement with when she finally starting latching well, nobody to listen to how frustrated I get, no one to get advice from.

Little rant over.
by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 9:14 AM
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Replies (1-10):
micheledo
by Bronze Member on Jul. 14, 2013 at 9:22 AM
Aww. I am so sorry. :(

I wonder if you can approach it from a different angle that would make sense to him (though I imagine yo uhave probably tried everything you can think of!)

The money you are saving? If the money isn't a big deal to him, maybe the money you are saving by not buying formula could be used to get something special for him/the family or go do something together?

What about ignoring the fact that it is breastfeeding and focusing on the fact that this is something super important in your life? You NEED his support. What is important to him? What would it be like if you tried tried to ruin that for him ,or downplayed it?

Have you told him it is making you struggle with your relationship?


This is all probably stuff you have thought of ,but maybe it will help you brainstorm other ideas! Hope things get better for you.
Dibsy
by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 9:26 AM
1 mom liked this
Some people just can't be swayed into giving it a chance. Maybe your husband is too closely associating your breasts with the sexual aspect than with the practical aspect and it makes him uncomfortable that you're using them that way. I hear of that a lot as reasons both men and women give for not wanting to go down that road. Plus not having been exposed to breastfeeding women will color a persons views on it.

While its not really fair of them to make those comments, they probably won't stop because of how it makes you feel. It'll likely be something that you'll have to hear the whole time because not everyone is open to facts and reason about it. I'm sorry to hear that, it's hard enough without that added stress. But stay strong and keep on keeping on, you're doing great! I wish I could give you something to say to drill into their heads to make them accepting but if they're hard headed they would t listen anyway.
ittyprincess604
by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 9:27 AM
Actually some of that I haven't thought of. I've been focused on facts, I never even tried to explain that it's really important to me. I also like the idea about using the saved money to buy something. That could actually work.

Thank you for the advice!


Quoting micheledo:

Aww. I am so sorry. :(



I wonder if you can approach it from a different angle that would make sense to him (though I imagine yo uhave probably tried everything you can think of!)



The money you are saving? If the money isn't a big deal to him, maybe the money you are saving by not buying formula could be used to get something special for him/the family or go do something together?



What about ignoring the fact that it is breastfeeding and focusing on the fact that this is something super important in your life? You NEED his support. What is important to him? What would it be like if you tried tried to ruin that for him ,or downplayed it?



Have you told him it is making you struggle with your relationship?





This is all probably stuff you have thought of ,but maybe it will help you brainstorm other ideas! Hope things get better for you.

twogirl91
by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 9:55 AM
1 mom liked this

First I have to say even though my husband was supportive of breastfeeding he just kind of looked at me when I needed help and said things like "I can't really do anything" with both my boys during the first 6months he really wasn't able to do much. I got up with the baby all night long, I comforted them and did everything for them. Not saying my husband did nothing, he was helpful, he would change diapers and help around the house, but he just didn't really know what to do with a little person since they just want to nurse all the time when they are that little, once they got older and he was able to interact more that helped.

Second you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk. Tell him that it's making you resent him, tell him that this is really important to you and him rejecting breastfeeding is making you feel like he's rejecting you. I've had to do this multiple times with my husband. Sometimes we sit down and talk, other times I write him a letter. I try to never accuse him of anything, just tell him how I FEEL. 

My guess is the more he is around it and the more he sees you doing it the more comfortable he will feel. It might just take him awhile. You might want to sit down and show him how much money you are saving by breastfeeding, does he know the benefits for the mom as well as the baby? 

*hugs* I hope everything gets sorted out! 

kss12
by on Jul. 14, 2013 at 10:01 AM
Same thing happened with me before my son was born.. But I did all the research, had dh read all about it and he was sold. Have you shown him the research, how it's better, etc?
My dh was so skeptical and so was his whole family.. People are scared of what they don't know about. The more knowledge you share with him the better off you both will be!
Thunderbug75
by Amanda on Jul. 14, 2013 at 10:06 AM

 My boy friend is kind of the same way.  He did not want me to breast feed.  His other children weren't breastfed!  I told him I was going to try.  And I did.  He thinks I am quitting at 1 yr.....we'll cross that bridge when we get there. LOL

Anyway, when he starts to make comments about Max only wanting me I respond with look how much money I have saved us!  I know there are a ton of benefits to breast feeding but the money one is the only one he seems to understand.  So, that is the one I always fall back to.  Good luck!

gdiamante
by Group Mod - Gina on Jul. 14, 2013 at 11:31 AM
3 moms liked this


Quoting ittyprincess604:

Dh is not supportive of me breastfeeding. When I told him I planned on breastfeeding he asked why, said it was weird and nobody he knew ever breastfed. Guess that's why it's weird to you huh?! Well dd is 3 weeks now and he hasn't gotten any better. I ask for help when she's fussy or if I even look frustrated and hell give me remarks like "this is what you wanted" "you just had to breastfeed" "I don't know what you expect me to do, you're the one that got her on the boob" and the most annoying "just give her the formula".
Has he done the homework? Has he researched it? If he has not, then simply IGNORE him. We have a rule in our house: You do the homework or you don't say a word.
It's only been 3 weeks and I'm getting tired of hearing the crap. I've explained how healthy it is, did the research and showed him, had my dr explain. He just doesn't get it. In every other aspect, he's wonderful. Very helpful with house work, diapers, making sure the other kids are taken care of. All I really have to do is keep them all alive while he's at work lol he wonderful. But his attitude about breastfeeding is starting to almost make me resent him. This is something I feel strongly about. I love breastfeeding. I loved it with my first. It's not easy sometimes, and it is frustrating when she only wants me, but it's all part of the experience and its worth it. I just don't know how to make him understand. Do I just give him time and hope he will warm up?
You ignore him. That's all. Ignore him. Tell him you will no longer be listening to his complaints so he cdan keep them to himself. The ONLY support you need is that of the Woman IN Your Mirror. YOU know what you're doing is right so what he thinks is utterly UNimportant.
But.. you can also do the homework on the cost of formula where you live. Determine how much money you will save. And tell him that if he NEVER says another word about formula to you for the rest of year one, he may have that money to spend HOWEVER HE PLEASES with no input or complaints from you. If he complains, then YOU get to spend the money however YOU please.
I will not give up breastfeeding because he doesn't like it (no he hasnt asked me to, but the comments pretty much get the point across) I don't normally like excluding his feelings, but I feel like he's being pretty unreasonable.
He is. Which is why he must be ignored.
But it's not just him either. Nobody in my family has breastfed and all make comments about it. I even had an aunt tell me breastfeeding was bad for babies health, teeth and made them obese. Like no, do your research.
Again, ignore. It just tells you how dumb they are.
I went to a family party a week or 2 ago and had to feed her, I took her inside to nurse where it was quiet and three people were like "thats got to be annoying, i dont know why you do it. you're missing out on everything to nurse her". I feel totally alone in this whole little journey. Nobody to share the excitement with when she finally starting latching well, nobody to listen to how frustrated I get, no one to get advice from.

Little rant over.

Feel free to skip family events. Seriously. Family is the one bunch you can count on to always let you down, it seems.

Ignore ignore ignore. You already know not one of them is being smart.

maggiemom2000
by Ruby Member on Jul. 14, 2013 at 11:36 AM
1 mom liked this

He doesn't need to understand or agree in order to support you. I would sit down with him and explain that breastfeeding is really important to you, and it is not important WHY, it just is, and ask him if you can have his support.

Think of something that is important to him, that maybe is not particularly important to you, but you support him. I could be something like golf. He wants to go play golf, you don't like golf and don't understand why anyone would want to play it, but you support him and make sure that he gets time to go golfing with his buddies.

Precious333
by Group Mod-Julia on Jul. 14, 2013 at 11:47 AM
Hugs mama!

Well, to me it sounds like maybe his comments are rooted in the fact that he feels helpless in.helping you with breastfeeding. You are the only one exposing him to it, its foreign and new and he probably feels intimidated and helpless in how to help or be supportive. So, i would just give it time and dont expect help ij the breastfeeding area.from him, have him.help in ways he can.

For your own support you cab always come here, or try out a la leche league meeting, and meet other moms who breastfeed. Www.llli.org and search for meetings near you :) maybe they will allow dh to come and maybe he will be willing, who knows :-)

Also, i.suggest a conversation with him. Just say that you are dedicated to breastfeeding, he knows the reasons im guessing since you did give him information. So, the best way he can be supportive is to just to not say anything negative. Same applies to friends and family. If you dont have something nice to say, dont say anything at all.
Precious333
by Group Mod-Julia on Jul. 14, 2013 at 11:49 AM
Yes, and also keep in mind that each baby has their own personality,.and most are attached and want mama at that age. Soon enough he will be a daddy's boy! Lol


Quoting Thunderbug75:

 My boy friend is kind of the same way.  He did not want me to breast feed.  His other children weren't breastfed!  I told him I was going to try.  And I did.  He thinks I am quitting at 1 yr.....we'll cross that bridge when we get there. LOL


Anyway, when he starts to make comments about Max only wanting me I respond with look how much money I have saved us!  I know there are a ton of benefits to breast feeding but the money one is the only one he seems to understand.  So, that is the one I always fall back to.  Good luck!


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