I have had CINC cases for my kids since my husband and I's domestic dispute in October. Last night he tried to steal from a neighbor and had the police called. He has been doing so poorly lately that if I had not made the decision to leave him today, our children would have been removed from both of our custody. As it is, I'm not really sure that they won't be removed from mine alone, but I'm going to fight to keep them as best as I can.
With all of that being said, I am struggling with my feelings about all of this. I feel cheated. I feel rage. I feel sadness. I feel happy. I feel guilt for my kids. And these all just vary. I can be completely fine for a minute, and the next be struggling because I was forced into this decision. I WANTED MY HUSBAND! It's as simple as that. I want my kids more, obviously, because I have made it so I can't change my mind about him being in my life without severe consequences. I want to be happy and lighter and feel like I did the right thing but I don't. My husband was not a monster all the time. Not even most of the time. He just had a problem. And I hate him for putting me in this position. I hate him for breaking my heart time and time again for the past almost 6 years of my life. I hate that he will not have the chance to make things the way that he promised for so long. I flat out just hate him right now.
I cannot stop crying right now. I don't want this, and yet I do. I am struggling very much right now. It feels hard to breathe just because of how much my heart hurts that my marriage is over for a reason out of my control. It hurts because he saw alcohol and drugs as more important than me, than our kids! How does someone do that? I don't feel like this could possibly be right because of how awful I feel, but I know that it was. I know that the pain will get better with time. I pray that someday I will stop blaming myself for my failed marriage and for my beautiful babies growing up without a father.