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life is spinning around me, without me (vent)

Posted by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 6:02 PM
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oh my it seems like it has been forever since i have writen a journal. prolly cause it's been 8 months. corey is overseas. about to come home in april. that will be so wonderful. tucker is just growing and growing and growing and don't seem to stop.. haha. i know they aren't subposed too. did you know that corey and i have only seen each other 29 days since we got married.. and on the 15th of feb it will be a year. and tucker is 8 months!!!! 8 and a half months really!!! I have had the worst luck with my health. right after tucker was born i did my 6 week check up and my pap came out bad.. i was in the serious stage 2. so i have to go every 3 months to make sure that i dont' hit stage three cause that means cancer. and if i ever do get cancer of the uterus, ovaries, or cervix can i jsut have them take it all out and not have to worry about it or will i still have to do chemo? i went in last tuesday for my check up retest and i was subposed to get the result back today and i called like i was suposed to and they said that they wanted to talk to me about the results face to face this time so that my dr. can explain the results. I think that sounds bad.. last time they just told me over the phone and set up a follow up appointment. I don't think that i could handle cancer ontop of corey being gone and my mom not geting allong w/ me (tell ya in a bit)  and my husbands grandmother died today, yes today, at 6 am.. and the military won't let him come home for the funeral because he has already had leave. and that don't amke him happy because they was really close. My mom told my hubby and I over r&r (december 2-17) that if we got preggo then i would not be allowed to stay at her house until corey came home I would have to move out because she don't want to have to deal w/ me and my emotions and tucker and everything else. that we are pushing it in the baby department to just be happy with one and settle at that because we haven't even lived together since we got married and we are moving too fast and that we should be lucky that we EVEN have one  because my sister has been preggo 6 times and has lost six, and had to bury two of them etc... and this is her 6th preg and she already lost one of then (twins) and so forth. SINCE WHEN DOES SHE HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE MY REPRODUCTION?  and i would move out because that's what everyone is prolly thinking but my hubby said he would not like it and he would not support it nor would he give me any extra money other than my paychecks to help pay for it when i can put up with her for a few more months and save that money to buy a house when he gets home. even tho he is only gone for another 1 1/2 to 2 months!! how much is 1500 $ really going to get us.. we are going to rent the first year anyhow until he decides if he's going full time active duty, staying reserves or finding a house getting him a new job other than walmart because he feels he's too good for there now that he's a soldier. plus when corey is home everything is all about his darned truck. he says that before we move out of my parents he is putting a locking something or another on his rear end of his truck and a super charger and thats together about 4000 $ and he thinks that since he had his truck before me and tucker came along that it's ok to put that first SOMETIMES. and all he wants to do is run run run,, go play football , in the dead of winter, play w/ his truck, drag race illegally, speed (107 in a 70) wrestle with the guys etc.. i am working a job that requires me to be at work BY 730 every day M-F and when he was on his way home i told him that even if he was taking tucker to day care i HAD to leave by 10 til 7 to get there on time. so i wanted to be home by 9 and in bed by 10. NOT A SINGLE NIGHT WAS I HOME BEFORE 11, nor in bed before midnight except once.. 1045!! And he insisted that anywhere we went he drove his truck.. it's a two seater.. theres three of us!! so two cars EVERYWHERE> except when we went out together to celebrate our 1st anniv. and his 21st bday together. i drove, and we went out, but he canceled the second half of our date (the movie) because he was tired and had to be up early to play football... so that's the night we was in bed at 1045!! forget that i had to be up early the whole time. i love my hubby to death.. don't get me wrong, and i realize that he went straight from high school to college to being a soldier to being a husband to being a father..... (skipping the hubby and father physical parts since he's been gone) but still.. he still acts like he's in high school. it was all fine and dandy whne we were dating before i was amom.. and i know he hasn't been here so he hasn't gotten to the "i'm a father now i need to act mature" part of life yet.. but i know he will.. but still.... why does he have to be so juvenile!!! ERRR...

I am sorry.. i just needed to vent a little. because i love my hubby very very much and i know that once he's  given the chance he'll be a great father.. because the time he did spend with tucker was great, he did wonderful. and i know that my mom is just being her usually bitchy self.. but she treats me like im in high school again and i am so tired of it.. we never got along because when i was 11 i had to start being the parent to all my siblings , even the older ones, because my mom got sick and i had to take care of them, and her and as i got older she just started expecting it and it made me so mad because i worked my ass off for everything i had, i paid for everything on my own and she felt like i still owed her something and i know your subposed to forget and forgive but i can't i don't know how and i don't know that i want too. I am so mad at the things that happend and the things that she missed out on with me that she didnt and wouldn't miss for the other kids and i don't know why it even bothers me so much anymore! i was 11 the FIRST time i pulled my mom out of the tub where she was rinsing her hair and fell asleep and i had to give her cpr because dad didn't know how. and i was 12 the FIRST time i walked into the house after school and had to lock the other kids outside so that the ambulanc ecuold get there and get her because she overdosed on her narcs. and i was 13 when she went into rehab and phys thereapy for the first time and everyday i had to watch ALL the kids and cook dinner in time for dad to be home so that he cuold eat and go to his second job and i had to get everyone up and out for the bus in time everymorning.  when i  was 15, i won a vocal contest and had to go to nashville to finish competing.. all we had to do was buy the hotel room for the weekend and our mode of travel. However, I had to babysit everyday.. more kids.. and do everything else still, and my boyfriend ended up helping and then my moms last words to me before i preformed was "don't choke"  later that year i worked my ass off in cheerleading to get our squad to state, and i worked thru a twisted ankle, and a torn ligament and a torn tendon in my back to make sure that our squad made it.. don't worry we all had some type of injury. but after all that work, my dad showed up. and it was in columbia.. 20 min away!! and she decided she couldn't handle being around all those people( she has a nerve disease make vibrations and touches hurt her in certain spots, feet and hands being two of those spots) and instead went to a neighbors house, a double wide w/ a band!! as in guitars, drums, bass guitars, amps. etc.. and she could handle that??? she went to joplin the weekend of my senior prom to visit my grandma, instead of watching our parade, and crowing, that i was in!!!! and my junior prom,, rehab and phys theraphy again.!! SHE MISSED MY HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T FEEL GOOD!!!! SO SHE LAYED OUT AT THE HOUSE INSTEAD OF COMING!!!!!!!!  she showed up  right as everyone was leaving and proceeded to tell my friends  and current boyfriend that she showed up late and couldn't find my family, so she stood off to the side!! what a  lie..... she even slipped up a year or two ago and admitted she didn't make it and how sorry she was..

AND SHE THINKS I OWE HER ANY RESPECT? THAT I OWE HER ANY THANKS OR APPRECIATION?

SINCE WHEN DOES SOMEONE WHO ACTS LIKE THAT AND CALLS THEMSELF A MOM EVERY GET ANY RESPECT. IF I ACTED LIKE THAT TOWARDS ANY OF MY KIDS SOMEONE HAD BETTER CALL ME OUT ON IT, SICK W/ A NERVE DISEASE OR NOT!!! ITS MY KIDS!!  now she admits that i had to grow up too quickly as a child and that's why i'm not a responsible person now, because im acting as a child when i should be an adult and and adult when i should have been a kid, but takes no blame for it!! I am an adult and i act like an adult and i take care of my responsibilities it just erks me that she can even act like this and go to church and tell people that i'm a bad mother or taht i don't take care of my son. EVERYthing i do is for my son, every where i go, he goes, everythin gi do he does, i go to bed when he goes to bed, if im out of underwear, and he needs shoes and all i got is enough for one.. he gets them (figuratively speaking) but still.... i make good enough money that he isnt' hurting for nothing, i take him to the dr. when he needs to go i change him and bathe him and love on him all the time as any normal person would.

I am just so tired of life going on around me and it not including me!! my life is like a carousel, up and down up and down around and around. and i'm the center post that everything is hung on, the pole that holds up all the weight.. when do i get a break when do i get to relax my arms and my mind and my strength? when when when when?????

 

AGAIN, IM SORRY HELLA LONG JUST NEEDED TO VENT. PLEASE RESPOND IF YOUR NOT SPEECHLESS. I PROLLY TOLD MORE THAN ANYONE NEEDED TO KNOW. IM SORRY.

 

       combing             american flag ribbon        toddler boy


DUHD- PFC. COREY    MUM-KELLI          BABY-TUCKER


Hi, I am a full time hard working, formula feeding, butt spanking, vaccinatting, circumzing, church going, open minded, outspoken, reliable, self suffiencient, sex deprived, husband missing, military supporting, WIC using, pro-life, non-political mommy. And i am so glad to meet you.

by on Jan. 27, 2009 at 6:02 PM
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Replies (1-2):
fisterswife09
by Member on Jan. 27, 2009 at 6:28 PM

I'm no sure what to say but i do want you to know that my heart goes out to you and i'm here to talk.

JaidedMomOf2
by on Jan. 29, 2009 at 1:07 AM

Well I deff did read the whole thing and im totally taken back by it! As far as your questions about the cancer! They are checking you out well and they should catch anything fast and soon enough! My SIL has had cervical cancer and they just removed the spot that had cancer! That was about 2yrs ago and her daughter just had her first birthday last week! So I wouldnt stress to much over all that till you really need to! As far as your mom goes I can totally understand where your coming from! I wont get into all of it but my mom is not the greatest mom! She also blames all the bad stuff from the years past on me and sometimes other people! I have learned that i just need to grow past it and her! I cant wait to be stationed and out on our own so that I dont have her over me all the time! My two kids and I are staying with my mom while my husband is in Basic! But, once I get the money saved to move out we are moving closer to my best friend till we get our orders! The reason for that being my mom and the fact that I live in a city that is now in a state of emergency due to a massive string of arsons! But I would say to do your best to just rise above and ignore your mom the best you can! You know you are a good person, a good wife, and a good mom! What others say, your mom or anyone for that matter, dosent matter in the least! Just keep your head up and before you know it your husband will be back and life will be on its way! Im deff here if you want or need to talk at all!!

 

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