Succubus Taylor Swift Has Chosen Her Next Victim
Ed Sheeran, you have been selected. May God have mercy on your soul.
Now, I don't know a whole lot about Ed, but boy, do I know Taylor Swift. I basically know her better than anyone else, you know, if you don't count the people who actually know her. And that's how I knew exactly what was going down when the news came out that Ed had spent the night in Taylor's hotel room.
Or, OK, he didn't spend the night, but he stayed until about 4 AM, and someone who saw him said that "he looked very pleased with himself," which I think we can all agree is a lot more suggestive than just spending the night. Suggestive of what, you may ask, to which I answer "suggestive of Taylor sucking Ed's soul out through his naughty bits."
Also, do you want to know something Taylor said about Ed last year that is actually very revealing? She said that they wrote their duet on her album together "while sitting on a trampoline in my back yard," and afterwards "we baked an apple pie." So obviously Taylor has been spinning her creepy web for quite some time now. She's not going to bake a pie with some dude without getting at least a few good breakup songs out of it eventually, you know?
When are these dudes ever going to learn?