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Father/Daughter relationship.

Posted by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 10:44 PM
  • 7 Replies

I'll try not to make this too long, but this thread is about my Father.

My Father and I have a mediocre relationship.  We both care and love each other very much.  But due to distance from where we both live, we don't see each other too often.  We have had our storms in the past, and primarily while I was in my teens (my parent's are divorced).  Since I became an adult the relationship between us grew again.  But I don't believe it was to such an extent that we really communicate on an appropriate level.

One of the reasons I honestly believe why, is because my Father has been hurt so much by his own family.  He seems to "read" too much into decisions I make and gets upset and offended over small and trivial things:

Example (True Story):  For months my Dad wanted to meet at a half way point between my own home and his.  This way he could see his Grandchildren and Myself.  Regretfully due to money I always declined.... That is until this month.  I had been saving money to get my butt down to see him - When I got an invitation in the mail to go to my GP's 60th Wedding Anniversary.  I took this as a ripe opportunity so I rang him and told him I would be coming down for only 24 hours.  I would attend the party for a few hours, then spend the rest of my time with him (my kids wouldn't be going with me).

To make the story somewhat shorter, my Father doesn't get along with his own Parents and won't be going to the Anniversary.  At first when I told him I would be down alone he was quite happy.  He also didn't mind me seeing my GP's (his Parents).

But today that changed.... He rang me and told me he was hurt.  Hurt that I was coming down "supposedly" because I was "only" coming down for the anniversary and not for him.  He went on to say that I tread all over him and do what I want, without keeping his feelings in mind.

I let him speak his thoughts and then I told him mine.  BUT honestly he is always like this... He reads into little things and gets hurt over things that he over analyzes.  I'm sick of feeling like I am constantly walking on egg shells with him.  And to top it off I was going to take my sister down with me, but he doesn't want her there.  He wants to only spend time with me, and has pretty much said if she does come down that he will be angry.

I feel like he has put me into the middle between Him and my Sister.  He is also making me choose between Him and my GP's. 

Am I the only person who senses something wrong with this?


by on Nov. 20, 2009 at 10:44 PM
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Replies (1-7):
praisinghim2day
by on Nov. 21, 2009 at 8:59 AM

Wow.  I honestly don't know how to respond to this.  There are quite obviously things in his past that have made him analyze, and try to find ulterior motives with everybody's actions.  I can't imagine how horrible of a feeling that must be.  All I can say is try to be patient with him.  Try to calmly and gently let him know that he doesn't need to analyze your actions or words and reassure him that you mean what you say.  But be ready to back up your words with actions so he can gain that trust.  It sounds like he could use a little counseling to try to work through those issues.  You will be in my prayers for a healed father/daughter relationship.

lilliputiansmom
by on Nov. 21, 2009 at 12:57 PM

It sounds like he wants a relationship with you as long as it is on his terms. Why couldn't he drive the whole distance if is so eager to see you and the kids? If the reason is $$, he should understand why YOU couldn't drive half way due to $. Why doesn't he want to see your sister?

EireLass
by Ruby Member on Nov. 21, 2009 at 4:09 PM

His feelings are those of betrayal.....where you and GP's are concerned. He most likely feels as though you're being dis-loyal.

But why don't you invite him to come spend a weekend with you at your place? The road goes both ways. 

DejaVooDoo
by on Nov. 21, 2009 at 6:33 PM

Tah for the advice.  Dad knows he can talk to me openly.  But when he does, I automatically shut down and put up a wall to at least try and prevent myself from being hurt.  As you can see, it doesn't work too well otherwise I wouldn't have posted it in here.

I talk to Dad sporadically.  Sometimes often, and sometimes not so often.  If he is offended over some small infraction and openly says why - I explain to him why certain decisions were made.  BUT then he will go on and dangle passed situations where he has helped me financially or emotionally.  He literally hangs them over the top of your head "I've done this for you, but you need to do this for me".  I've explained to him my take on this issue, plus the above in the OP.  I'm always calm with him and I always reassure him.  But later on down the track he will throw it out again into an argument, even if it had nothing to do with the original discussion.  This is why sometimes it is hard to talk to him.

Quoting praisinghim2day:

Wow.  I honestly don't know how to respond to this.  There are quite obviously things in his past that have made him analyze, and try to find ulterior motives with everybody's actions.  I can't imagine how horrible of a feeling that must be.  All I can say is try to be patient with him.  Try to calmly and gently let him know that he doesn't need to analyze your actions or words and reassure him that you mean what you say.  But be ready to back up your words with actions so he can gain that trust.  It sounds like he could use a little counseling to try to work through those issues.  You will be in my prayers for a healed father/daughter relationship.



DejaVooDoo
by on Nov. 21, 2009 at 6:43 PM

I agree with this first sentence.  I can't say I am totally the perfect daughter.  This isn't a blame game of putting it all back on him.  But while I can acknowledge my mistakes, Dad pretty much never says much at all.  If I go down to see him, it has to be the best time for him - Not me.  I understand that he has to reroute a schedule in order to spend time with me.  But regretfully I cannot always make decisions based on his wants and needs.  Naturally, I have 2 kids plus I am single.  I can only go down when i find the best suitable time for my own situation.  He has been making the effort to come and see me the last 2 years, seeing I was having trouble getting down to see him.  I wanted to be the one to make the effort for the change.

But he just reads so much into why I was going down there.  I admit I did sporadically choose to go down there due to my GP's anniversary.  But seeing it was only a 24 hour visit I wanted to fit in as many people as possible.  I haven't even seen some of my friends and family in the region for upto 9 years.  He is more important that he is my Father.  But at the same time I will also be going to see him again with my kids in January.  So I don't understand what the problem is.

And he doesn't want to see my sister because supposedly he wants to spend time with me alone.  I haven't been down to his area since he married his new wife, and I have had a lot of health and relationship problems at home.  So he wanted to have a private time just between Him and I.  But I still didn't think it was fair.  He didn't want me driving her down because he doesn't want me helping her (she can't drive) and thinks she is mooching off me (which is totally incorrect).  He also does not want to put her up for accommodation, which I think is fine if need be.  She can always find her own.  But the way it comes across, he doesn't want her to come down at all to see him or the rest of the family.  My Father and Sister have a shakey relationship.  But not an extremely bad one.

Quoting lilliputiansmom:

It sounds like he wants a relationship with you as long as it is on his terms. Why couldn't he drive the whole distance if is so eager to see you and the kids? If the reason is $$, he should understand why YOU couldn't drive half way due to $. Why doesn't he want to see your sister?



DejaVooDoo
by on Nov. 21, 2009 at 6:51 PM

Maybe your right.  The situation is both Him and his Parents talk.  But they do not agree with the relationship he has with his current wife.  Because of this it has torn the whole family apart and noone will speak to him.  But he will go and visit his Parents from time to time.

The betrayal isn't that I am seeing my GP's.  But that I have made a sudden decision to come down to go to their Anniversary, even though he has been asking me for ages to go down himself.  So I think he might be seeing that I am putting the Anniversary priority over the top of his wanting to see me in general.

I don't know... I thought he would understand.  I haven't seen my GP's in a couple of years.  Both of them are in their 80's and there is never any knowing when they will be gone.  I have made no effort to keep in contact with them since I was last down (2007).  And I at least wanted to make it for their big day.  When I rang my Aunty, my Father's sister - She told me that my Grandmother is so excited to see me.  I can't not go down out of fear of repercussions from Dad.  It's important that I go down.  Not just for my GP's, but for me too and Dad will be seeing me.  He just won't have me to himself as all.  And from the looks of it he doesn't like it.

As I said in the previous reply I will be going down there again for a few days in January so he can see his Grandkids.  My time will be dedicated to him at that point.  I want this 24 hours to be for everyone.  And I feel like I have been put into a horrible situation to choose affections between family.

Quoting EireLass:

His feelings are those of betrayal.....where you and GP's are concerned. He most likely feels as though you're being dis-loyal.

But why don't you invite him to come spend a weekend with you at your place? The road goes both ways. 



lilliputiansmom
by on Nov. 23, 2009 at 6:50 AM

Whether you have been a perfect daughter is not he still doesn't have the right to guilt trip you about taking a trip with your sister. It's not like you told him I'll be in town but I have no time for you. You offered a perfectly logical and acceptable deal in my opinion. Not only will you be able to see him then you've offered to return with your kids in January.  For you to leave your sister home because he doesn't want you to drive her and doesn't want to be bothered with giving his other daughter a couch to sleep on is ridiculous. She has every right to come to the party if you've offered to drive and have no problem with it.

Quoting DejaVooDoo:

I agree with this first sentence.  I can't say I am totally the perfect daughter.  This isn't a blame game of putting it all back on him.  But while I can acknowledge my mistakes, Dad pretty much never says much at all.  If I go down to see him, it has to be the best time for him - Not me.  I understand that he has to reroute a schedule in order to spend time with me.  But regretfully I cannot always make decisions based on his wants and needs.  Naturally, I have 2 kids plus I am single.  I can only go down when i find the best suitable time for my own situation.  He has been making the effort to come and see me the last 2 years, seeing I was having trouble getting down to see him.  I wanted to be the one to make the effort for the change.

But he just reads so much into why I was going down there.  I admit I did sporadically choose to go down there due to my GP's anniversary.  But seeing it was only a 24 hour visit I wanted to fit in as many people as possible.  I haven't even seen some of my friends and family in the region for upto 9 years.  He is more important that he is my Father.  But at the same time I will also be going to see him again with my kids in January.  So I don't understand what the problem is.

And he doesn't want to see my sister because supposedly he wants to spend time with me alone.  I haven't been down to his area since he married his new wife, and I have had a lot of health and relationship problems at home.  So he wanted to have a private time just between Him and I.  But I still didn't think it was fair.  He didn't want me driving her down because he doesn't want me helping her (she can't drive) and thinks she is mooching off me (which is totally incorrect).  He also does not want to put her up for accommodation, which I think is fine if need be.  She can always find her own.  But the way it comes across, he doesn't want her to come down at all to see him or the rest of the family.  My Father and Sister have a shakey relationship.  But not an extremely bad one.

Quoting lilliputiansmom:

It sounds like he wants a relationship with you as long as it is on his terms. Why couldn't he drive the whole distance if is so eager to see you and the kids? If the reason is $$, he should understand why YOU couldn't drive half way due to $. Why doesn't he want to see your sister?

 


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