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In-Law Woes . . .Advice Please?

Posted by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 11:19 PM
  • 14 Replies

My MIL said some upsetting things to me before DH and I got married. I am not mad but DH is livid. Well to make a long story short they did not approve of the marriage because their religious views differ from mine. (DH does not share their views either) No one came to the wedding (MIL, FIL, brother in law or his wife) so DH stood alone. When the LO was born we took her to meet them. I convinced hubby to let the past go and give them a chance with their first and only grandchild. BIL's wife can't have kids. The visit was strained but it went okay. After the visit MIL called DH and basically had an argument stating that she meant everything she said to me. I am a very forgiving person and I do not feel that she has to like me. Anyway I am wondering if we should try again considering that the holidays are here? I mean they are missing out on their granddaughter. Should we go visit again and give it another try?

by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 11:19 PM
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Replies (1-10):
WesAndNicksMom
by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 11:34 PM

i would offer but if they don't want to meet it's their loss.  i wouldn't ask again if they say no.

i would like to say after time they may at least tolerate you, but it doesn't always work like that (i have some of those people in my family too).

just be happy with YOUR family and if they want to be a part of that then fine but if not, don't stress it :)


AnitaVersion2.0
by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 11:38 PM
I would leave it up to them. Tell them if and when they're ready, to contact you. Make it clear, though, that any games or bullshit will only leave them with nothing.
babyfat5
by on Dec. 14, 2009 at 11:44 PM

I think a lot depends on what was said and since whatever was said they still mean every word of it ... I don't care how forgiving someone is if the person that said it still means what they said it will never go away and peace will never be made. Just take pride in knowing you are the bigger person and you did not stoop to her level.

shajdinyak
by on Dec. 15, 2009 at 8:43 AM
Just want to say u r nicer than I. I had a similar sit with differ religions and inlaws not being accepting. However ur lucky dh took ur side becuase that was not the case here:( that is great thatd dh has stood up for u!
Elyce225
by on Dec. 15, 2009 at 8:45 AM

Wow you are a much better person then I am. I would totally write them off. Your child does not need them in his/her life. If you keep trying and they keep turning you and your child away your child is going to think that he/she is not good enough.  Thats a big F**K YOU TO THEM!!

tbursac777
by on Dec. 15, 2009 at 8:50 AM

what religion are they? if you don't mind me asking...

and what i would do, is go over by myself, no dh, no lo. or ask her to meet you somplace neutral. and have a conversation with her. ask her why she is willing to throw away her relationship with her son and her only grandchild over difference of religion, when her son doesn't even practice the religion either.

i don't think it's something you should stress over, put the ball in her court. tell her, we would love to be a part of your lives, and have you be a part of our child's life, but you would need to stop bashing our belifes, and me. or you will lose a part of your family for good. so give me a call when you want to start over again.

and if she doesn't than thats it. it sounds awful. but if she isn't going to change. than what is the point? i would send her pictures periodically, just so she knows what she is missing out on.

kanalee
by on Dec. 15, 2009 at 8:53 AM

I might give them an open invitation to come over.... but I wouldn't worry to much over it. Some times people with such different points of views aren't all that great for each other... or the grandchildren.

 

Peace,
Kana

CoeyG
by on Dec. 15, 2009 at 10:23 AM

While it isn't the same as your situation I was faced with a similar 'dilema' years ago.  My now ex and his family had a huge falling out which ended in us leaving his parent's home, he told them to "say goodbye to your grandaughter for the last time" and storming out of their home.  I tried to keep lines of communication open through his cousin, her and I have been very good friends since meeting the first time.  Six months passed when I (not my husband) recieved an inviation to his grand parent's 75th wedding anniversary, there was a note to bring him if he wanted to come. 

He gave men an "order" that I wasn't to attend that I ignored telling him that they were our daughter's family and she had the right to attend.  He, sheepishly attended with us and somewhere during the festivities his relationship with his family was repaired, all was forgiven and we had a great time, and made plans to get together for Christmas which was coming up in a few weeks.    

Years later, after our divorce my mother in law wrote me a letter and in it she thanked me for being instramental in pulling him back into the family.  Her and I didn't always see eye to eye, often argued ourselves.  But this dealt with more than just not seeing eye to eye.  It was about family and the fact that our daughter deserved the right to share time with her family whehter her parents got along with all of them or not. 

So, my advice here would be, be the 'bigger' person for your daughter's sake.   She deserves to know and recieve love from all of her family.   You don't have to like them, they don't have to like you but considering what the celebration of this season is SUPPOSED to be about...give it a try.   

TiaraMom19
by on Dec. 15, 2009 at 10:42 AM

Always be the mature .....bigger person in any decision you make concerning mil.Yet set boundaries for yourself,your dh and kids.Some people will never change.....be prepared for that.Save yourself some grief.I wish I knew knew then what I do today  with my mil:)...would have saved myself alottttttttt of heartache:(

TIA 

mcnattmom
by on Dec. 15, 2009 at 2:51 PM


Quoting tbursac777:

what religion are they? if you don't mind me asking...

and what i would do, is go over by myself, no dh, no lo. or ask her to meet you somplace neutral. and have a conversation with her. ask her why she is willing to throw away her relationship with her son and her only grandchild over difference of religion, when her son doesn't even practice the religion either.

i don't think it's something you should stress over, put the ball in her court. tell her, we would love to be a part of your lives, and have you be a part of our child's life, but you would need to stop bashing our belifes, and me. or you will lose a part of your family for good. so give me a call when you want to start over again.

and if she doesn't than thats it. it sounds awful. but if she isn't going to change. than what is the point? i would send her pictures periodically, just so she knows what she is missing out on.

They are Jehovah's witnesses and we are Christians. DH told her during the argument that he was willing to put it behind him. Then he asked MIL if she wanted to be a part of his life or not? She started to try and make guidelines but he told her to say yes or no. She would never say yes, so he hung up. I understand that she may never like me and I really don't care since her major issue is the assumption that I am a promiscuous woman since I have two children from a previous long term relationship. I just know that she wants to see her granddaughter. She is just letting her pride get in the way. I am willing to let go of mine for the sake of my daughter. Not trying to fix the relationship just trying to expose her to both sides of the family. I genuinely believe that they love her even if they don't approve of me.

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