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Please if you have a minute would you read my long post about adoption I could use some input (PIOG)

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:11 PM
  • 18 Replies

I am in need of some advice. My 6yr old DD is adopted she is my Bio-niece (my sisters birth child ) I have had her since she was 6wks old her adoption was final when she was 3. My son was almost 4 when Hailey came to live with us he knows my sister is Hailey's bio mother. I have told Hailey about her adoption and that she did not come out of my belly but my sisters who we still see from time to time that is as much as she knows right now. I do not think she has put it together that coming out of someones belly makes you a mother in other words I do not think she knows my sister is her "Bio"mother even though she does know she came from her belly . Anyway my son who is now 10 told Hailey "Mom does not like you " just typical brother stuff but Hailey started to cry I said of course I love you Hailey you are my DD I said ignore your brother. When I told Hailey she was my DD My son said but she is adopted. UGH IDK what to do I sat my son down and explained that Hailey is just as much my DD as my other DD. My ? is how and when do i start to give Hailey more info. Like her siblings are really her "cousins" or that she has 3 half brothers 2that she met briefly and 1 she has not (the 2 she met she does not know they are her bros) and that her bio father my sister still lives with and Hailey also sees him not knowing who he really is. I do not want to let her down I want to always be as honest as I can with her she is going to be 7 in April. Is there anybody who has any advice ? thank you for reading this. I really could use any input ...

Katie mother to 5 children  Noah 7-25-99,Hailey 4-18-03,
Riley 4-6-04,Caleb 10-12-05, Gracie 4-9-08.
family in the van




 




 




 




by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Wendy_June
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:14 PM

Bump

Jessymessy
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:16 PM

I do not have any first hand experience so I can't really offer valid information. But I feel like at that age there should be no: "real parent, real brother/sister" diferentiation. I think the only time that should REALLY come out is when she's at least 10, but that's just my oppinion. I am not saying to lie, I am just saying, you adopted her, so everything she knows is REAL. you know what I mean? I mean, you are her mom, that is her reality. I think it is your son you need to talk to about it and really let him know that you are talking to him as the older kid who will understand better than she will. I really feel like when you address a child in a way that makes them feel respected and you let them know you are talking to them about it because you knwo they are mature enough to understand (wether or not this is the case, I feel lik it helps older kids help you), I feel like it really gets them to understand. I think she knows your kids as her siblings and that makes them and you her real family.

melodysmomma04
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:18 PM

Im adopted....my parents have always told me that although im adopted they still love me jsut the same as there two boys. they then fostered in 4 girls who are all biological sisters....they used to tell me the same thing adn my parents reassured they cared and loved me...because she is young still just sit her down and ask her from time to time what would you like to know( i know this helped me alot)...other than that just tell her and do everything your doing now...let me just say YOU will know exactly when to tell her and what to tell her when the time is right....just let her ask the questions too! sit down with the whole family and explain that just because she is adopted does not mean you and your husband love any of them any less....hope this helps you hun!  

Lil_ol_me9306
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:18 PM

May I ask why you adopted her?  I'm not bashing at all.  I'm just wondering.  I think you are amazing to step up the way you did and it is wonderful that you love her the way you do.  I just think that figuring out the underlying story might help a bit with how much you want to tell her.

Lil_ol_me9306
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:19 PM

Oooh, another thing is when you do tell her that being a bio mother means coming out of the belly, you can tell her that she's more special.  She may not have been born from your belly, but she was born from your heart.

RyansMommy6407
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:24 PM

wow. That's really tough. First of all you are amazing for adopting her and accepting her as your own. Truly amazing. God bless you. Unfourtanetly I have no Idea what the right thing is to do in this situation. She's 7, so I think she's old enough to hear and some-what understand the truth. Maybe take her out for one on one time... something fun, like a shoping trip and ice cream or something like that and have everyone else leave the house so you can take her back home and tell her everything and you'll have no distractions. Tell her that she is biologicly your neice, but you've raised her since she was 6 weeks old and that makes you her true mother. Eventhough she is not your bio daughter, that doesn't mean you don't love her any less. Tell her how much you love her and how much she means to you. I don't think you should sugar coat anything for her. My mother never did and I appriciate it. She might be a little over whelmed at the time, but she will quickly see what an amazing thing you've done for her, and I think she'll see how special she is and how lucky she is to have a mother/aunt like you.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck to you. I'm here if you need to talk

wentworth99
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:30 PM

We adopted her because my sister is an Alcoholic and is mentally ill Borderline personality disorder the state took her from my sister when she was 6wks old the very next day she came to live with me and my husband :)

Quoting Lil_ol_me9306:

May I ask why you adopted her?  I'm not bashing at all.  I'm just wondering.  I think you are amazing to step up the way you did and it is wonderful that you love her the way you do.  I just think that figuring out the underlying story might help a bit with how much you want to tell her.


Katie mother to 5 children  Noah 7-25-99,Hailey 4-18-03,
Riley 4-6-04,Caleb 10-12-05, Gracie 4-9-08.
family in the van




 




 




 




Lil_ol_me9306
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:40 PM

I must say, you are just wonderful and an amazing mom to have done that.

As I said before, I would explain to her in very simple terms that your sister is her birth mother.  Tell her that all babies come out of a birth mommy's belly, but sometimes something happens and the birth mother can't care for the baby as well as they need.  Then wonderful people like yourself come along and the baby is born into their families from their love, and that makes them one of a kind.  I wouldn't bring in the alcohol just yet.  She won't understand yet.  Just tell her that her birth mother, your sister, wasn't able to take care of her and that you were able to care for her the way she needed it.  I would also tell her about her siblings and half siblings and her father.  She needs to know.  I would tell her that she was lucky enough to be able to come and be your daughter and that they stay with their birth mother for whatever reason.  Tell her that there is a difference between daddies and birth fathers.  Don't go into detail, but tell her that her daddy is your DH and that he loves her, and that the other man may have made her, but he isn't really her daddy.  It takes love to be a daddy and a mommy.  You and your DH give that to her in abundance, I'm sure. 

I'd suggest picking up some children's books about adoption.  It should help smooth things over.  I'm sorry, sweetie, but she will be confused and probably a little hurt for a while.  It is a confusing thing.  Just be there for her, hug her and kiss her tears away when she cries and show her that she is loved.  I know you can do it.  (Mean while, I'm such a softie I'm sat here sobbing my head off just typing this to you.  lol!)

Quoting wentworth99:

We adopted her because my sister is an Alcoholic and is mentally ill Borderline personality disorder the state took her from my sister when she was 6wks old the very next day she came to live with me and my husband :)

Quoting Lil_ol_me9306:

May I ask why you adopted her?  I'm not bashing at all.  I'm just wondering.  I think you are amazing to step up the way you did and it is wonderful that you love her the way you do.  I just think that figuring out the underlying story might help a bit with how much you want to tell her.



wentworth99
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:51 PM

Thank You , Me too I am crying also . I want to do everything right . I do not want her to resent me she is still only 6yrs old....

Quoting Lil_ol_me9306:

I must say, you are just wonderful and an amazing mom to have done that.

As I said before, I would explain to her in very simple terms that your sister is her birth mother.  Tell her that all babies come out of a birth mommy's belly, but sometimes something happens and the birth mother can't care for the baby as well as they need.  Then wonderful people like yourself come along and the baby is born into their families from their love, and that makes them one of a kind.  I wouldn't bring in the alcohol just yet.  She won't understand yet.  Just tell her that her birth mother, your sister, wasn't able to take care of her and that you were able to care for her the way she needed it.  I would also tell her about her siblings and half siblings and her father.  She needs to know.  I would tell her that she was lucky enough to be able to come and be your daughter and that they stay with their birth mother for whatever reason.  Tell her that there is a difference between daddies and birth fathers.  Don't go into detail, but tell her that her daddy is your DH and that he loves her, and that the other man may have made her, but he isn't really her daddy.  It takes love to be a daddy and a mommy.  You and your DH give that to her in abundance, I'm sure. 

I'd suggest picking up some children's books about adoption.  It should help smooth things over.  I'm sorry, sweetie, but she will be confused and probably a little hurt for a while.  It is a confusing thing.  Just be there for her, hug her and kiss her tears away when she cries and show her that she is loved.  I know you can do it.  (Mean while, I'm such a softie I'm sat here sobbing my head off just typing this to you.  lol!)

Quoting wentworth99:

We adopted her because my sister is an Alcoholic and is mentally ill Borderline personality disorder the state took her from my sister when she was 6wks old the very next day she came to live with me and my husband :)

Quoting Lil_ol_me9306:

May I ask why you adopted her?  I'm not bashing at all.  I'm just wondering.  I think you are amazing to step up the way you did and it is wonderful that you love her the way you do.  I just think that figuring out the underlying story might help a bit with how much you want to tell her.

 

 


Katie mother to 5 children  Noah 7-25-99,Hailey 4-18-03,
Riley 4-6-04,Caleb 10-12-05, Gracie 4-9-08.
family in the van




 




 




 




Lil_ol_me9306
by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 9:58 PM

You're doing just fine, Mommy.  I'm certain of it.

Quoting wentworth99:

Thank You , Me too I am crying also . I want to do everything right . I do not want her to resent me she is still only 6yrs old....

Quoting Lil_ol_me9306:

I must say, you are just wonderful and an amazing mom to have done that.

As I said before, I would explain to her in very simple terms that your sister is her birth mother.  Tell her that all babies come out of a birth mommy's belly, but sometimes something happens and the birth mother can't care for the baby as well as they need.  Then wonderful people like yourself come along and the baby is born into their families from their love, and that makes them one of a kind.  I wouldn't bring in the alcohol just yet.  She won't understand yet.  Just tell her that her birth mother, your sister, wasn't able to take care of her and that you were able to care for her the way she needed it.  I would also tell her about her siblings and half siblings and her father.  She needs to know.  I would tell her that she was lucky enough to be able to come and be your daughter and that they stay with their birth mother for whatever reason.  Tell her that there is a difference between daddies and birth fathers.  Don't go into detail, but tell her that her daddy is your DH and that he loves her, and that the other man may have made her, but he isn't really her daddy.  It takes love to be a daddy and a mommy.  You and your DH give that to her in abundance, I'm sure. 

I'd suggest picking up some children's books about adoption.  It should help smooth things over.  I'm sorry, sweetie, but she will be confused and probably a little hurt for a while.  It is a confusing thing.  Just be there for her, hug her and kiss her tears away when she cries and show her that she is loved.  I know you can do it.  (Mean while, I'm such a softie I'm sat here sobbing my head off just typing this to you.  lol!)

Quoting wentworth99:

We adopted her because my sister is an Alcoholic and is mentally ill Borderline personality disorder the state took her from my sister when she was 6wks old the very next day she came to live with me and my husband :)

Quoting Lil_ol_me9306:

May I ask why you adopted her?  I'm not bashing at all.  I'm just wondering.  I think you are amazing to step up the way you did and it is wonderful that you love her the way you do.  I just think that figuring out the underlying story might help a bit with how much you want to tell her.





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