Ladies, I need something, but I don't know what. (Adult)

[kagegirl]

Advice, to vent, I don't know exactly what I need, but I do know I can't keep going like this.

Some background. When hubby and I married, I wasn't really all that into it. I mean, I was, but I wasn't. I wanted to marry him, but I just think I did it at the wrong time. I don't know.

Well, when we got together, he was SO not who I saw myself with. I was planning on breaking it off when he moved to another city, but I wound up pregnant. Partially my fault. I was on depo and I skipped my shot by a week and apparently dropped an egg. Well, I figured it was God telling me something, so I stuck around.

Now, before I got pregnant, my husband was so passionate and loving and caring. Absolutely poetic. But, as soon as i told him I was pregnant, he stopped. I mean, dead stand still stopped. He professes to have been a man whore before we got together, and now, he can't avoid sex enough!!! I am a bit of a horn dog, so, this really gets to me. It gets worse that he stopped when we found out I was pregnant, because it feels like he resents me.

I have tried telling him and explaining to him, and nothing changes. I mean NOTHING. He refuses to acknowledge it, and acts like I am crazy. I don't know anymore. I mean, before I had kids, I was HOT!!! Even after I had my two oldest, I was a total HOTTIE and never wanted for dates. The only reason I stayed single all those years was because it was MY choice. I wanted to focus on my relationship with my kids, and I am so glad I did, because now we have this amazing relationship. Took 6 years to build, and I am damn proud of it.

Well, at any rate, the fact that he just avoids the bedroom stuff altogether is really bothering me. We rarely have sex and when we do, I don't enjoy it at all because I feel so cheap and used. I FAKE orgasms now when I used to have them freely. I hate that. Not to mention, he has let himself go completely while I am over here sweating my ass off at the gym trying to be attractive for him and still NOTHING!!!

At this point, this is not the only problem that we are having, but it plays into the bigger picture, which is that I don't feel loved, wanted or appreciated. The fucker has made so many nasty comments about sex, like, "It's not my fault that the only time you think I love you is when my cock is in you" that now, I don't even want it in me!!!! And that was said a while back, but as they say, a minute on the lips, a lifetime in the heart.

I am depressed, because I don't feel like I should feel. I have been married before, and I never felt like this in my first marraige. I mean, when you are making me long for my ex husband, there is a problem. I mean, my ex was an asshole, but he never neglected me like this. He cheated on me, which is why I divorced him. If anything, the boy had an overabundance of sex drive and I am not used to living like this. I feel like his roommate with occasional benefits.

And I would love to give him a taste of his own medicine and ignore HIS desires, but by the time he gets around to actually wanting it, I am so horny I take what I can get. And then I feel dirty and cheap for compromising my principles.

[JenniferOmaha]

I would maybe write him a letter? If he reads the words instead of hearing them, maybe it will effect him differently. Also, I suggest you try counseling, especially if you want to try to make the relationship work. 

I am sorry this is happening. I know, a lot of people feel that showing the love you have physically really does help a relationship. I feel that way as well. Sometimes you just want it too!!

[kagegirl]

I have written him letter after letter and we have even talked through IM so that we can't interrupt each other, and it does nothing. Just, I am sorry, I will do better, SNORE!!!!

And we are going to counseling. so far, I am not seeing much

Quoting JenniferOmaha:

I would maybe write him a letter? If he reads the words instead of hearing them, maybe it will effect him differently. Also, I suggest you try counseling, especially if you want to try to make the relationship work. 

I am sorry this is happening. I know, a lot of people feel that showing the love you have physically really does help a relationship. I feel that way as well. Sometimes you just want it too!!

[kagegirl]

bump, ladies please

[mferruz]

Does he say his sex drive is lower?  If so it could be cause he has let himself go...I assume that means gained a few lbs.  Extra weight can really affect one's sex drive.

[monshine2]

Not sure what to say... If honest communication isn't working through talking, letter writing, etc. Maybe it's time to give an ultimatum or take a break to help each other see what they would be missing, make the heart grow fonder type of thing. I don't like giving that advise but if nothing else is working a wake up call sometimes needs to happen.

[kagegirl]

He is what some people could term morbidly obese. He is 5'7" and 250-300 lbs. But he hasn't said anything about his sex drive. In fact, when I try to find out, he just skirts it, and clams up.

Quoting mferruz:

Does he say his sex drive is lower?  If so it could be cause he has let himself go...I assume that means gained a few lbs.  Extra weight can really affect one's sex drive.

[kagegirl]

He worked 7 hours away from me for four months, and nothing has changed. I am so over this. I don't want to consider a divorce for something so silly, but I am just not happy. It has started to affect my self-esteem. I feel so ugly and awkward around him. I am always the one to start it, and now, I don't even know how to go about it.

Quoting monshine2:

Not sure what to say... If honest communication isn't working through talking, letter writing, etc. Maybe it's time to give an ultimatum or take a break to help each other see what they would be missing, make the heart grow fonder type of thing. I don't like giving that advise but if nothing else is working a wake up call sometimes needs to happen.

[momof3angela]

His own view of himself could be the very issue that is at the CORE of the problem.  Maybe he's too proud to admit it...possible????

[mferruz]

Quoting momof3angela:

His own view of himself could be the very issue that is at the CORE of the problem.  Maybe he's too proud to admit it...possible????

Yeah, that's what I am thinking if he is morbidly obese.  Also the hormones get out of whack when you are that heavy.  I can't remember if you don't produce enough testosterone or if too much estrogen is produced, but either way that is what dampens the sex drive.

[Catz_e]

First of all, wow. You definitely said a mouthful. Sounds like you are in a terrible place, both physically and  emotionally. My advice? If the counseling isnt working for the two of you, maybe you should start going for yourself. At least to find the strength to leave. A marriage isnt worth staying in if both of you arent into each other.