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and I'm supposed to pity you? (long vent, sry)

Posted by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 12:38 PM
  • 19 Replies

When I was 19 I gave birth to my son. I was living with his father, who at the time of Jay's birth I'd been with Bill for a year. Bill had wanted me to have an abortion or give Jay up for adoption and I refused to. Bill threatened to murder me (he's since been put in mental institutions off and on, they suspect he has schizophrenia) and instructed me to leave my son at my mothers house starting at 6 months old. I feared for my life and I did this. Despite my son not being around, he got more and more abusive.

When Jay was 2 Bill started pulling guns on people when drunk, and actually holding guns to my head when he was drunk. He forced me to give custody of my son to a family member or else he'd murder me and spend my $10,000 savings. We lived in a rural area and I couldn't even RUN from him if he were to chase me down in a car. Anyway my mom didn't want custody of my son cuz she's in her 60's. So my now 39-year-old sister took custody of my son. I had to move several states away and live with my father for 6 months while Bill was put in a mental institution.

After that I moved back home with my mom and got the only job I could find in our small city, it was part time. I worked here until Jay was 4. Then I went to Job Corps for a year who sent me to college.

During 09/10 at Job Corps, I attended college, and got married. I moved back to Connecticut and my own apartment with my husband. I'm pregnant with my second child and I personally don't work. I go to visit Jay every day until I can get to court and get custody of him. My mother and sister don't let me see my son at night (after 6PM) or on the weekends, which are the times my sister doesn't work.

I asked my mom about this and she said it's because she doesn't want to "hurt my sister's feelings" I am really gettting irked that they expect me to sit back and feel bad for my sister because she chose not to marry and have children. When I go to court this fall and get my son back, I guarantee my sister won't be seeing him again. She's going to get the treatment she gives.

I will even compensate her in cash for the expenses of caring for my son, but I'm not gonna sit back and pretend not to be his mom for her sake. I need him to behave for me and respect me when he moves in with me.

by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 12:38 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jaynemarie086
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 1:07 PM

Wow. Good for you for finally leaving that guy. Regardless of having a mental problem, that is unexceptable. Did your sister KNOW the reasons you were giving your son up? It's not like you were a drunk or addict - you were in an abusive relationship and did what you thought was best for your son at the time.

I hope court goes easy for you and you get your son back! But just try to remember that refusing to let you sister see him is going to be really hard on your son too... (I'd want to do the same thing though).

sunshine86912
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 1:13 PM

 you stayed with him that long?!  I would have been long gone!!  Why do you have to get married to have kids?  I guess she is a little old now, but it could still happen!  I would hope your sister would understand the situation, but it is tough, for her and you!

candra186
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 1:29 PM

No I left him when my son was 2, and I moved back in with my mom... I wasn't able to find work FT until this past year though.

Oh and I'm not saying she needs to be married to have kids. But she hasn't done either, and I didn't make those decisions for her. I'm just saying that if I take my son back she will be childless which will probably be rough, but it's not my fault she chose to not have her own children.

Shellness
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 1:33 PM

Im sure it will hurt your Son to NOT see the woman who was good enough to raise him for all of these years while you got your act together. You should be thanking her for taking him and him not ending up in FOSTOR CARE. UNBELIEVABLE how self centered people can be.

candra186
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 1:34 PM

I gave my son to her voluntarily. If she had said no I could've kept him but it would've been VERY hard on me and I might've wound up homeless. However he wouldn't have gone to foster care cuz he wasn't abused or neglected, DCF has no charges on me whatsoever. I only have to prove that I have the resources to take care of him, which I do.

jaynemarie086
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 1:38 PM

How is giving up her son to keep him alive and safe self centered? The thought of giving up my son makes me want to cry, but I would like to think that if his life was in danger, I would give him up.

I do agree about not letting her son see his aunt, that it might hurt him... but, unless there is more to this story that we don't know, his aunt should be encouraging them to spend more time together rather than keeping him from his mom. I would probably give in on this issue, but I know I wouldn't want to.

Quoting Shellness:

Im sure it will hurt your Son to NOT see the woman who was good enough to raise him for all of these years while you got your act together. You should be thanking her for taking him and him not ending up in FOSTOR CARE. UNBELIEVABLE how self centered people can be.


candra186
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 1:42 PM

Exactly, I did it to keep the both of us alive. And the area I'm from isn't doing well economically and hadn't been able to find a job or afford a car up until now. I never abused him and I still saw him every other day, save for the year I went to college.

Quoting jaynemarie086:

How is giving up her son to keep him alive and safe self centered? The thought of giving up my son makes me want to cry, but I would like to think that if his life was in danger, I would give him up.

Della529
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 2:07 PM

Did your husband get the truck driving job?  What happened to you becoming employed?  Now that you are pregnant, did you get on Medicaid so it wouldn't hurt you financially?  Did it provide the health care for the HPV?

candra186
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 2:10 PM

Yea he's got a trucking job it involves going up in a boom truck & cutting down trees. I also have a job as a CNA for now but husband isn't very happy about me working. I got medicaid a week ago but I haven't gotten to a pregnancy appointment yet, but I go on Tuesday and when they bring it up I'm gonna ask (about the HPV and the cyst in my boob) But it's supposed to provide for all of my medical care, however I might need referalls first and I need to go pretty far to get to a dentist.

zenia85
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 2:23 PM

I don't think anyone should have "pitty" on your sister. But I have been in your sisters shoes before. For 2 years I raised my niece voluntarily. (my mom has custody of her and was on orders)... i would have never kept her from my brother though. She is 4 years old now she STILL calls me mommy and my DH daddy... But like I said I would have NEVER kept her from my brother but he was in jail so. But I do think even though she is trying to keep him from you, you should still be thankful. I hope you get your son back soon :)

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