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Using "SHAME" for disciplining a child

Posted by on May. 10, 2012 at 9:02 PM
  • 14 Replies

 Do you think it is ok to use "SHAME" as a form of discipline a child?

Lets say the child got bad grades?

I am not saying the child "stole" i.e. making that a crime.

 

READ THE LAST PARAGRAPH VERY CAREFULLY!

For Shame, For Shame: How to End Shaming When Disciplining

By Christine Vander Wielen, MSW CAPSW

Have you ever felt as though you were being watched? If you have ever been around

children, then you have been more closely then you think. Children, particularly young

children, imitate actions, words, voice intonations and even attitudes. Sure, some of it is

cute, especially when they imitate positive actions. However, some of what children

imitate can be harmful to them.

Parents have an enormous amount of influence over their children. It is my experience

that parents often underestimate the magnitude of their power and influence. I have

heard many parents say “he does not listen to me,” or “he does not pay attention.” Even

if you think they are not listening, they are, and they are watching. Their little minds are

taking copious notes.

Children absorb subtle cues from their parents. They tend to see the world through

their parents’ eyes. If the parents are fearful, depressed, anxious, or angry, their

children have a greater tendency to be fearful, depressed, anxious, or angry.

Conversely, if the parents are relaxed, peaceful, and happy, their children are more

likely to be relaxed, peaceful, and happy.

Another subtle cue influences how children see themselves. Children see themselves,

in part, the way in which the parents see themselves. For example, research indicates

that adolescent girls suffering from an eating disorder are more likely to have a mother

who also has an eating disorder. Similarly, parents who have low self-esteem, or a poor

self image are more likely to have children with low self-esteem, or poor self-image.

Additionally, the parents’ treatment of the children influences how the children view

themselves. If parents are demeaning, shaming, uninvolved, or detached, then children

are more likely to see themselves in a negative way. Concepts, thoughts, attitudes and

actions can be passed from generation to generation without the parents or children’s

awareness.

The parents’ behavior is sometimes more about them than it is about the child. For

example, the shaming parents do often grows out of the shame they feel. Without

intending to, parents sometimes shame their children. The shaming can be as subtle as

a roll of the eyes, click of the tongue, sigh, or demeaning humor. Shaming can also

take the form of yelling, threatening, or embarrassing in front of others. More overtly,

parents can shame their children by name-calling, making comments such as “I have

told you a hundred times;” or “are you that stupid;” or by being physically abusive.

When the parents’ shame is projected onto the children, the children are left to shoulder

the weight of the shame. Their shoulders are too small and weak, so they often end up

internalizing the shame. This predisposes the child to developing depression, anxiety

and relational difficulties in adulthood.


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by on May. 10, 2012 at 9:02 PM
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Replies (1-10):
atlmom2
by Susie on May. 10, 2012 at 9:14 PM
1 mom liked this

Some forms yes.  Not for grades. 

I am upset its not shameful to get pregnant at 16 any longer.  Its almost applauded now.  Girls don't care. Nothing seems to be shameful any longer. 

I spoke my peace on the other post.  Parents today are too easy going sometimes I say.  I know I raised great well adjusted girls that are 21 and 18.  Glad they are not little and growing up the way many kids are today. 

2metalbabies
by Jene on May. 10, 2012 at 9:18 PM
It all depends on which school of psychology you subscribe to.
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atlmom2
by Susie on May. 10, 2012 at 9:21 PM

I think there is way less shame today and way more depression and anxiety in the world today.  WAY more.  Everyone seems to be on some sort of meds today. 

maciymommieof3
by Angie on May. 10, 2012 at 10:47 PM

 so agree

Quoting atlmom2:

Some forms yes.  Not for grades. 

I am upset its not shameful to get pregnant at 16 any longer.  Its almost applauded now.  Girls don't care. Nothing seems to be shameful any longer. 

I spoke my peace on the other post.  Parents today are too easy going sometimes I say.  I know I raised great well adjusted girls that are 21 and 18.  Glad they are not little and growing up the way many kids are today. 

 


The PhOtObOoTh!  A FuN group full of
contests, challenges, showdowns etc........
If you Love Photography you will Love this!

maciymommieof3
by Angie on May. 10, 2012 at 10:51 PM

 I can say that I am happy my Dad subscribed to "extra help" when I came home with bad grades..It is not as if I jacked around in school,,,school was hard for me...but instead of making me wear a diaper at 12 years old b/c he wanted to "humiliate" me...he made arrangements for me to stay after school and get tutored..

MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME.

Quoting 2metalbabies:

It all depends on which school of psychology you subscribe to.

 


The PhOtObOoTh!  A FuN group full of
contests, challenges, showdowns etc........
If you Love Photography you will Love this!

EireLass
by Ruby Member on May. 10, 2012 at 11:52 PM

Yes, in a way, I have used it. To express disappointment is a little bit of shame. "I'm let down" can also mean "You should be ashamed of that"....depending on what has happened. There were always good students, so that was never it. But if my son lied. I let him know how disappointed I was that he felt the need to lie, and also that he should be ashamed of being a liar. It was rare that this was ever an issue, and it worked well. When he punched a kid in the face (after being bullied and bullied and bullied), he came home very upset with himself. When I finally got it out of him, he was 'ashamed that he had sunk to that kids level', as he put it. Sort of self-punishment.

Barabell
by on May. 11, 2012 at 11:59 AM

BUMP!

2metalbabies
by Jene on May. 11, 2012 at 4:40 PM
If kids are getting bad grades because they aren't able to grasp a concept, they shouldn't be shamed or humiliated. On the other hand, of a child is capable of getting good grades, but doesn't because they just don't do homework or because they put their efforts into other things, they should learn that they should be ashamed of that behavior.
If kids aren't taught to feel shame, they won't develop a true sense of what's right and wrong, and won't feel guilty when they behave badly or do bad things.
Shame and embarrassment are two different emotions, but they are are interrelated.


Quoting maciymommieof3:

 I can say that I am happy my Dad subscribed to "extra help" when I came home with bad grades..It is not as if I jacked around in school,,,school was hard for me...but instead of making me wear a diaper at 12 years old b/c he wanted to "humiliate" me...he made arrangements for me to stay after school and get tutored..


MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME.


Quoting 2metalbabies:

It all depends on which school of psychology you subscribe to.

 


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maciymommieof3
by Angie on May. 11, 2012 at 8:47 PM

 

Quoting Barabell:

BUMP!

 


The PhOtObOoTh!  A FuN group full of
contests, challenges, showdowns etc........
If you Love Photography you will Love this!

LyTe684
by Tasha on May. 12, 2012 at 8:32 AM
Depends.
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