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Need help and do not know where to turn to!

Posted by on Jun. 7, 2012 at 5:46 PM
  • 10 Replies

I am not yet a mom but my boyfriend/fiance has two kids. When we first met he didn't want anything serious and when we moved to be closer to his kids he had never told me to be there mom. I wanted to be but did not want to over step my role in their lives so I naturally and subconciously started acting like the teacher i was for a year. The class I had was all kids with problems and were told to be hard and stern with them. Now he has decided that he wants me to be mom and I want to be but he is afraid because of the way things were before. What do I do? How can I make sure that I can be a mom without being the stern, hard teacher I was before?

Mother figure I guess. Their mom is not in the picture in any way. She  has chosen not to be.

by on Jun. 7, 2012 at 5:46 PM
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by Ruby Member on Jun. 7, 2012 at 5:59 PM

You're not their Mom. You can't be their Mom. Be what you are, his girlfriend.

by on Jun. 7, 2012 at 6:39 PM
Teach them right from wrong in a gentle and compassionate way. You may not be their natural mother, but you are blessed with this position in their lives. Moms are the ones kids turn to for comfort, and love. Offer those things and you'll do just fine. Peace be with you.
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by on Jun. 7, 2012 at 7:06 PM

I think I need more information: 

- How old are they? 

- What is the custody schedule? 

- Where is their mom? 

- How do they feel about you? 

- How do they behave? 

I disagree. You can very much be a mother figure, regardless, whether you gave birth to them or not. Yes, most of the discipline should come from the bio parents but in your home, you should be able to provide the house rules. My 16 y/o stepson actually calls me mom because I'm better with him than his own bio-mom is. 

by on Jun. 7, 2012 at 8:08 PM
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I think that you need to follow your heart on this one.  Your role as "mom" is not defined by your biological status, but rather your developing relationship with them.  Show them guidance, patience and love, and you'll be fine.  And make sure you and their dad have a long talk about how the house will run and what kind of discipline will be in force.  Write it down if you have too.  That will keep you both on the same page and you won't overstep any boundaries he might have.

by on Jun. 8, 2012 at 6:05 AM

I'm not really sure, this group might be able to give you some advice though: 

Join us in Stepmom Central

Hope that helps and good luck!

by on Jun. 8, 2012 at 9:21 AM
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Until you and this guy have committed to each other, then you aren't their mom, your his girlfriend, commitment level to you is not public and legal, which says alot about a person's state of mind about commitment in general or commitment to an individual person in particular.

Until then, you can choose to be wise counsel, supportive shoulder, cheerleader, to the degree you and they wish you to be. You have little to no role in discipline, and why would you want to? That's being asked to do some of the heavy lifting of parenting without being asked to be a true part of the organization! 

How nice for him. He gets to split the work of parenting without actually really committing to you. This is a great compliment and deal. I would tell him thanks but no thanks. I'm your girlfriend, I'll be their friend. You're their parent, you discipline, schlep them about, and monitor. And I would limit their exposure to me unless I was pretty darn certain I was going to be a long term fixture in this guy's life (I don't know what would make you think that though from what you've written so far), b/c they've already had 2 adults in parenting roles bail on them, it would be cruel to add a third.

Where are they living? I'm confused. Their mom is not in the picture and he's moved to 'be closer to them'. Doe he not have sole custody if their mom isn't in the picture?

by on Jun. 8, 2012 at 9:29 AM

 My husband never had any kids, he and his first wife planned it that way.  but as a stepparent to my kids he had the perfect attitude and he also told my kids, I'm not trying to be your father, he lives a mile away, I'm not going to try to take his place.  but at the same time, he taught them how to swim, work on a car, he played basketball with them. They were all boys.  On the other hand their step mother wanted them to call her Mom, demanded they tell her they loved her upon leaving the house and bad mouthed me to the pount that they all hated her!

by Bronze Member on Jun. 8, 2012 at 10:04 AM

I think you can be a mother-type figure, without taking the place of their birth mom.  You might want to check out the stepmom central group for some tips.

by on Jun. 8, 2012 at 7:32 PM

Well since the kids mom is not in the picture you are free to be the mom you want to be. You don't have to hold back anymore and be the stern teacher.

by on Jun. 9, 2012 at 6:03 AM

This one is a tough one. It's hard to be stern when you live with them and they aren't yours. Be a team with S/O. Make sure that he knows the kind of parent you are and work together on setting rules and guidelines for them. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Don't be afraid---they smell fear! LOL

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