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Need honest opinions on MIL disagreement!

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Let me give some background information first off. Within the last two and a half years, my daughter has lost both of her poppas, my father to suicide in april 2010 and my father's father to cancer in november 2012. Those were her only grandfathers since my husband has never had anything to do with his paternal side. Anyways, my MIL recently married a man in July of 2012 that she hadn't even known a full year yet. To the current issue at hand, my MIL informs me tonight on the phone that we need to give her new husband a new name besides Mr. and then his name, to be called by her grandkids. Something like peepaw, pappi, you get the idea. Well, I informed her that what they call him is fine considering he is not their grandpa and has not earned the right to be called by a name representative of a grandfather. Yes, I was slightly harsh, and my reasoning is a little selfish since I had always envisioned my dad and grandfather in the picture. Anyways, she called me rude for having that opinion, then proceeded to try and guilt trip me into changing my opinion by saying her new husband doesn't feel like part of the family because the kids call him Mr. Name. I simply told her I'm sorry but our kids will not be referring to her husband as anything other than what he has been referred to for the last year. Frankly, I do not like the man, he is in his 60s and rather old school, so he tries to undermind my authority when around (big pet peeve, Im the parent, I'll parent my child, stay the heck out of it) he is a major know it all, and I don't trust him alone with my daughter therefore the two weeks he is in town, she doesn't spend the night there. Ever really... Am I justified in refusing to make my kids to call him by a different, more grandfatherly name? I will try to keep an open mind that some will not agree with my train of thought. 

by on Dec. 2, 2012 at 1:32 AM
Replies (61-70):
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Dec. 3, 2012 at 7:05 PM

How would you like it if when you married your husband, everyone in his family called you Missxxxx.

Its the same thing, after all you had not earned the title of DIL!  How do you think this man feels?  All your MIL wants is for everybody to be happy.  You don't have to call him Grandpa, but you could all call him something a little more familiar.  I think you are being rude and soooo petty.  You must like DRAMA.  Unfortunately you are teaching your children the same thing.  It's only a name---GET OVER YOURSELF.

MnMsMomma19
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 7:15 PM
1 mom liked this

I know why it matters to me. I hold those terms in a high regard because of two amazing role models in my child's life that were grandpas with an established bond and now are no longer here. To give the honor of that to someone who hasn't made a real effort to make that bond, would imo demean the term. I don't discourage him on anything except trying to co-parent, something no one else is allowed to do either. I hope he is understanding and patient too, he could make the effort to build a bond with the kids instead of just expecting the honorable term. I know people do not stick around forever, having experienced two very significant losses in my life already. The kids need time, he needs time, to build the bond. As far as I'm concerned, I am extremely guarded for now. I'm not sure if that will ever change with me.I am very sorry your grandmother's husband is sick. It is never easy watching a loved one struggle or be in pain. I pray for the best for your family

Quoting Ashes0813:

I only suggest you give up the petty ones or at least look at why this matters so deeply to you. You have a lot of underlying MIL resentment plus you just suffered a huge loss and this guy's request is sort of moving in on that which I can understand. I was only trying to encourage you to look at the big picture and not ruin a relationship before it has begun. Had I started out by discouraging him he never would have felt comfortable enough to form that bond. It is clear you are set in your decision but it is a good sign he cares to even be included and accepted by you all. Hopefully he is understanding and patient too.
My grandmother's husband is not going to be around much longer and my kids will lose him. People do not stick around forever that is just part of life. He may be dying but had they divorced yesterday my kids still would have benefited from the time they had with him.
I can respect you needing time, much more than saying he will never have a place at all. It is a hard situation and I hope it all works out.


Quoting MnMsMomma19:

Why isn't this an issue for to stand up against my MIL if it is something that matters deeply to me? What other things that I value do you suggest I give up on? Yes, he is her husband, a husband she couldn't even say she loved before they got married. The truth of the marriage is he makes enough money to where she was able to quit her job and do NOTHING all day. It's the glisten of green in her eyes when she looks at him that makes me have little respect for the marriage. I don't think it's a marriage built on the right foundation therefore its longevity is something I question.


Yes my mother had the respect to ask me first, but then when I revealed MINE AND MY HUSBAND'S opinion on it, the respect and common decency VANISHED. It then turned into a demand and how dare I act that way when he pays for the presents or anything she gives the kids, which is her issue not mine. I will give the man a chance in due time, but like I said before I have spent a combined maybe 2 weeks worth of time around the man and its not enough time for my to honor him with a grandfatherly title. You have had seven years to form the bond with the man your gma married, it's quite different.


Quoting Ashes0813:

I understand biting your tongue with a MIL but this doesn't seem like the issue to finally take a stand on. He is not your MIL's boyfriend, he is her husband. All these years she never had a man to fill this place and now that she does she just wants a little more acknowledgement than Mr blah. Your refusal is the same as saying that he will never be anything to your family despite the fact that he is now a massive part of your MIL's life. Most people would just start encouraging the kids to use a nickname but Mil showed you the respect of asking first, how sad that you will not even give the man a chance.

My grandma remarried the same year dh and I did. Everyone in the family hated her new husband, called him a creep, and thought he was a jerk. I wasn't overly excited about him myself but he really made my gma happy so we gave him a chancee. Now seven years later he is not just a great gpa to them but I see him in a grandfatherly way too. I loved my grandfathers too but my girls would have never experienced that type of love if not for this new guy. My siblings had your attitude. They completely shut him out & have really missed out. This man just wanted to be included, didn't want to take anyone's place.

 


MnMsMomma19
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 7:30 PM

I did earn my role in the family. I was one month pregnant after only one month and a week with my now DH. I met the woman I now call my MIL two DAYS before I found out. She informed my DH, she didn't expect him to marry me but to be a father to our child. For a year and a half, I had to earn my place in the family and replace the memory of one of his ex's they had adored. I managed to do that. I earned a place in their hearts. We married after three years together and have now been married for three years and three months (In the family for 6 years and three months.) I wasn't just accepted right away and I didn't expect it. The man is accepted in everything, isn't turned away from any family functions, he is treated like family but called the name he has been called by my MIL to all of us from the beginning one year and two months ago. My MIL wants him to be happy at the expense of mine and my husband's feelings. Sometimes not everyone gets what they want right away. What ever happened to working for something you want? If you had the men my children call grandpas in your life or your chidren's life and seen the bond that was formed over time and the devestation that followed when they passed, you wouldn't dare say "it's only a name." The conversation is done in private, all grown-up conversations and disagreements are not done in front of little ears. So fortunately no I am not teaching my children to be dramatic. How exactly am I under myself?? ; )

P.s. I consider a personal attack on an individual rather than an a requesed opinon in a CIVIL manner on a specific subject to be petty and rude, but what the heck do I know....

Quoting Anonymous:

How would you like it if when you married your husband, everyone in his family called you Missxxxx.

Its the same thing, after all you had not earned the title of DIL!  How do you think this man feels?  All your MIL wants is for everybody to be happy.  You don't have to call him Grandpa, but you could all call him something a little more familiar.  I think you are being rude and soooo petty.  You must like DRAMA.  Unfortunately you are teaching your children the same thing.  It's only a name---GET OVER YOURSELF.


kbpegasus
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:13 PM

You have several issues here:  

one is that (and this is to me the major thing) you don't trust him around your daughter.  This has to be gotten out in the open I think.  You may end up not having your mil around your kids, but your daughter's safety comes first.

Second, he needs to be told to but out when you are parenting your children and they both need to respect your decisions.  (your children, your rules)

Third, I think what the kids call him should be up to them and not you or your mil.  (sorry, kids are smarter than adults give them credit for.)  And on that note, no coaching from either side!  I don't think your kids should be at your mil's without you or your spouse.  

I am step mother to 6; stepgrandmother to 9, however, I raised the last two stepkids.  The grands all call me grandma.  They call their biological grandmother grandmama.  it works for us, but that was up to the kids.

hope this helps.

EireLass
by Ruby Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:19 PM

I think you're being childish.

fullxbusymom
by Bronze Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:34 PM
I agree 100% with this.

P.S. I read your response to this and all I have to say it is no different than a sibling marrying and the kids having an instant aunt or uncle. Yes in our family they would have to immediately call them auntie or uncle and no different for a newly married grandparent. They earned the name by marrying into the family.

He has been part of your family for a year now and is your husbands Step dad which makes him your childrens step grandfather.


Quoting grannie_kel:

To me it sounds a little petty.  Does it really matter what your children call him?  Definitely not worth starting a family issue over.  You said yourself that your reasoning is a little selfish on your part, but it is not this man's fault that you no longer have your father or grandfather.  If you open the door a little and let him in, he could turn  out to be just the grandparent that your kids need and deserve, but that can't happen if your close the door over something so simple as what he will be called.  Every kid deserves to have a grampa, even if he is not perfect.  It sounds like your grandfather made a positive impact in your life...give your children the same opportunity.  There are times we have to bite our tongues for the good of the family. 

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NewMamaBoo
by Member on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:54 PM
1 mom liked this

Who knows how long he will be around. I'd give it a few years before they call him pappy

sloppyjo82
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 8:58 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't think something of the such should ever be pushed. The kids should and will make their own choice in their own time.

cherib82
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 9:04 PM
1 mom liked this

 Hell no. If my MIL was still alive my kids would not be calling her bf grandpa. My dad is grandpa that is it. Dh's dad died when he was 2.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Dec. 3, 2012 at 9:27 PM
1 mom liked this
This is not a boyfriend.


Quoting cherib82:

 Hell no. If my MIL was still alive my kids would not be calling her bf grandpa. My dad is grandpa that is it. Dh's dad died when he was 2.


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