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Need honest opinions on MIL disagreement!

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Let me give some background information first off. Within the last two and a half years, my daughter has lost both of her poppas, my father to suicide in april 2010 and my father's father to cancer in november 2012. Those were her only grandfathers since my husband has never had anything to do with his paternal side. Anyways, my MIL recently married a man in July of 2012 that she hadn't even known a full year yet. To the current issue at hand, my MIL informs me tonight on the phone that we need to give her new husband a new name besides Mr. and then his name, to be called by her grandkids. Something like peepaw, pappi, you get the idea. Well, I informed her that what they call him is fine considering he is not their grandpa and has not earned the right to be called by a name representative of a grandfather. Yes, I was slightly harsh, and my reasoning is a little selfish since I had always envisioned my dad and grandfather in the picture. Anyways, she called me rude for having that opinion, then proceeded to try and guilt trip me into changing my opinion by saying her new husband doesn't feel like part of the family because the kids call him Mr. Name. I simply told her I'm sorry but our kids will not be referring to her husband as anything other than what he has been referred to for the last year. Frankly, I do not like the man, he is in his 60s and rather old school, so he tries to undermind my authority when around (big pet peeve, Im the parent, I'll parent my child, stay the heck out of it) he is a major know it all, and I don't trust him alone with my daughter therefore the two weeks he is in town, she doesn't spend the night there. Ever really... Am I justified in refusing to make my kids to call him by a different, more grandfatherly name? I will try to keep an open mind that some will not agree with my train of thought. 

by on Dec. 2, 2012 at 1:32 AM
Replies (71-80):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 8 on Dec. 3, 2012 at 10:37 PM

for the love of god- quit being petty. do like some others have suggested. sit down, talk to your kids. they don't have to call him grandpa, ect. nor does he have to earn a dang nickname from you. it is the kids who decide on what they want to call the grandparents anyway.  your mil just asked for them not to call him mister so- so. the kids can pick out a nickname for him- maybe something short of his name, ect.  then take your mil somewhere to talk.( not on the phone). regardless of what you think of her marriage, he is still her husband. frankly i find this childish that you can't come to some kind of agreement on your part. btw since you said you had to earn a spot. i seriously doubt that they called you mrs so- so

Quoting MnMsMomma19:

I did earn my role in the family. I was one month pregnant after only one month and a week with my now DH. I met the woman I now call my MIL two DAYS before I found out. She informed my DH, she didn't expect him to marry me but to be a father to our child. For a year and a half, I had to earn my place in the family and replace the memory of one of his ex's they had adored. I managed to do that. I earned a place in their hearts. We married after three years together and have now been married for three years and three months (In the family for 6 years and three months.) I wasn't just accepted right away and I didn't expect it. The man is accepted in everything, isn't turned away from any family functions, he is treated like family but called the name he has been called by my MIL to all of us from the beginning one year and two months ago. My MIL wants him to be happy at the expense of mine and my husband's feelings. Sometimes not everyone gets what they want right away. What ever happened to working for something you want? If you had the men my children call grandpas in your life or your chidren's life and seen the bond that was formed over time and the devestation that followed when they passed, you wouldn't dare say "it's only a name." The conversation is done in private, all grown-up conversations and disagreements are not done in front of little ears. So fortunately no I am not teaching my children to be dramatic. How exactly am I under myself?? ; )

P.s. I consider a personal attack on an individual rather than an a requesed opinon in a CIVIL manner on a specific subject to be petty and rude, but what the heck do I know....

Quoting Anonymous:

How would you like it if when you married your husband, everyone in his family called you Missxxxx.

Its the same thing, after all you had not earned the title of DIL!  How do you think this man feels?  All your MIL wants is for everybody to be happy.  You don't have to call him Grandpa, but you could all call him something a little more familiar.  I think you are being rude and soooo petty.  You must like DRAMA.  Unfortunately you are teaching your children the same thing.  It's only a name---GET OVER YOURSELF.



Numom61507
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 10:58 PM
1 mom liked this

Your kid, your rules. End of story. My in-laws try to undermine me every chance they get. I don't bend.

trebelcleff
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 11:42 PM

Thanks for answering!  I can certainly see your point.  I also saw a reply in which you said that your MIL helped pick the name Mr. Name, and now wants to change it.  Was "Mr. Name" a part of choosing that name or did she choose for him?  I think if he would like to be called something else that is slightly less formal I would personally compromise with that (after all, Mr. Name doesn't really sound like something you call family), but I can definitely understand why you don't want to call him a grandpa name, especially if the kiddos don't really know him yet.  At any rate, as long as your husband and you are on the same page, everyone else can just bite it.

Quoting MnMsMomma19:

It doesn't have to be years, but Poppa, Peepaw, Grandpa, Papaw,etc. are names to call a man out of respect and unconditional love from a bond  or relationship that has been established. Therefore its in a way earned. Its just my opinion. Family that was in the picture from the get go most likely have already established that bond with family members. For instance my son, who I am nine months pregnant with, will grow up with Mr. Name in the picture and will have the opportunity to form that bond with him and be considered a grandpa to my son. I would accept that. But I don't accept the demand for them to call him something if they don't feel what I have mentioned above.

Quoting trebelcleff:

This is purely for curiosity, and I'm certainly not trying to be rude, but why is the name is something to be earned over the years?  My parents and both sets of inlaws either already had names from other grandchildren or picked names when they found out we were expecting.  My mother picked a name and our kids ended up calling her something else as toddlers which was fine with everyone.  They didn't have to earn their names to me, but I also understand that they are family who either myself or my DH have known for years.  I guess I can see both views, but I really am curious about your idea that they need to earn the right to be called a certain name...

Quoting MnMsMomma19:

I appreciate your opinion, however, I disagree that it is a petty issue. The term grandpa or any name of the sort is something that is EARNED over years. It isn't just a name contrary to what some believe. How can I be expected to ask my children to call a man I BARELY know that my MIL has been married to for only five months and has only known for a year and three months a name representative of a grandpa... He is out of town for half the month working, so we really do not know this person well enough to address him as anything other than Mr. Name. I refuse to just open the door to my family for just anyone, it has to be earned, my trust, so on and so forth. He has not done that. My daughter knows who her grandpas were, unfortunately, my son who I am 9 months pregnant with will never know his grandpa's for himself. My husband grew up without any grandpa's and he has turned into a wonderful man. So contrary to what you think, my children will be just fine growing up without a grandpa. The man is not their grandfather nor has he EARNED the privilege to be called as such. If its just a name to be handed out to anyone who comes and goes into a family, what meaning would it hold for the ones who have always been there and done all they could with their grandchildren? Grannie Kel, wouldn't that in a way demean your face value of being called Grannie?  Trust me for the last 61/2 years I have bit my tongue so much regarding my MIL I'm surprised I still have one, I refuse to be a doormat on an subject I feel VERY strongly about.




afwifeandmommy3
by on Dec. 3, 2012 at 11:44 PM
What does dh say
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 10 on Dec. 4, 2012 at 12:03 AM

i think you should run a background check on him...if you are feeling iffy about him.. just do one online for about 40 dollars... that way you can find out if he has a criminal past..assuming he is using the same name, etc.


that way you can know if he is a creeper BEFORE something goes wrong with him and your DD.....

MnMsMomma19
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 12:35 AM

I don't trust him alone with my daughter so it never happens. She doesn't spend the night at my MIL's when he is in town. My DH was actually the one to declare that not me. It has never been out right said in regards to trust issues, but I am certain my MIL knows it.

I did tell him he is not allowed to co-parent her and since then he has stopped for the most part.

I don't coach. I don't bring it up with my dd. But wouldn't it just be confusing for my dd more than anything if we were to sit her down and ask what she wants to call Mr. Name when he already has a reference that was given to him by her Mimi in the first place.. I don't know.

 We are always there when he is there and our dd. She will not spend the night anytime he is in town. In all reality, she rarely spends the night there as it is because we spend a lot of family time together and also my DH has some issues with his mother that make him uneasy about leaving our dd and soon our son too (im 9 months pregnant) in her care.

Quoting kbpegasus:

You have several issues here:  

one is that (and this is to me the major thing) you don't trust him around your daughter.  This has to be gotten out in the open I think.  You may end up not having your mil around your kids, but your daughter's safety comes first.

Second, he needs to be told to but out when you are parenting your children and they both need to respect your decisions.  (your children, your rules)

Third, I think what the kids call him should be up to them and not you or your mil.  (sorry, kids are smarter than adults give them credit for.)  And on that note, no coaching from either side!  I don't think your kids should be at your mil's without you or your spouse.  

I am step mother to 6; stepgrandmother to 9, however, I raised the last two stepkids.  The grands all call me grandma.  They call their biological grandmother grandmama.  it works for us, but that was up to the kids.

hope this helps.


MnMsMomma19
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 12:42 AM

Hypothetically, lets say you and your SO were to divorce, and he remarried. Would you accept that just because he remarried yours and his children would call his new wife: mom, mommy, momma also? It would be no different than your argument below.

As far as him being a my DH's step-parent, in the technical sense yes, however, my husband has told his MIL and me he is not my dad, step dad, he is a man that makes you happy and thats the extent of it for him. He doesn't and will never see him as a step parent.

Quoting fullxbusymom:

I agree 100% with this.

P.S. I read your response to this and all I have to say it is no different than a sibling marrying and the kids having an instant aunt or uncle. Yes in our family they would have to immediately call them auntie or uncle and no different for a newly married grandparent. They earned the name by marrying into the family.

He has been part of your family for a year now and is your husbands Step dad which makes him your childrens step grandfather.


Quoting grannie_kel:

To me it sounds a little petty.  Does it really matter what your children call him?  Definitely not worth starting a family issue over.  You said yourself that your reasoning is a little selfish on your part, but it is not this man's fault that you no longer have your father or grandfather.  If you open the door a little and let him in, he could turn  out to be just the grandparent that your kids need and deserve, but that can't happen if your close the door over something so simple as what he will be called.  Every kid deserves to have a grampa, even if he is not perfect.  It sounds like your grandfather made a positive impact in your life...give your children the same opportunity.  There are times we have to bite our tongues for the good of the family. 


MnMsMomma19
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 12:54 AM

Please explain how I am being petty. If it was my dd who began calling him pappi name or peepaw name, then I would see a reason to sit down and talk to her about it. The nickname he has was my MIL's idea and like I have said in other posts it was always such a cute nickname because of her country accent. But it is my MIL who is demanding it, why can't it work itself out in time? Why can't the children be given the time to form a relationship or bond with him? I am fine with dropping the Mr. or adding a fun ending to his name, but I'm not going to accept an honorable term such as poppa, grandpa, etc.to be forced upon them. It would be different if it were their idea. My MIL won't talk about the subject since my DH spoke to her, he laid down the law so to speak. No I wasn't called ms. or miss. name. I was called by my name from the adults and Lee Lee from the kids. I never asked to be called Aunt Name or anything of the sort, they called me aunt once they wanted to.

Quoting Anonymous:

for the love of god- quit being petty. do like some others have suggested. sit down, talk to your kids. they don't have to call him grandpa, ect. nor does he have to earn a dang nickname from you. it is the kids who decide on what they want to call the grandparents anyway.  your mil just asked for them not to call him mister so- so. the kids can pick out a nickname for him- maybe something short of his name, ect.  then take your mil somewhere to talk.( not on the phone). regardless of what you think of her marriage, he is still her husband. frankly i find this childish that you can't come to some kind of agreement on your part. btw since you said you had to earn a spot. i seriously doubt that they called you mrs so- so

Quoting MnMsMomma19:

I did earn my role in the family. I was one month pregnant after only one month and a week with my now DH. I met the woman I now call my MIL two DAYS before I found out. She informed my DH, she didn't expect him to marry me but to be a father to our child. For a year and a half, I had to earn my place in the family and replace the memory of one of his ex's they had adored. I managed to do that. I earned a place in their hearts. We married after three years together and have now been married for three years and three months (In the family for 6 years and three months.) I wasn't just accepted right away and I didn't expect it. The man is accepted in everything, isn't turned away from any family functions, he is treated like family but called the name he has been called by my MIL to all of us from the beginning one year and two months ago. My MIL wants him to be happy at the expense of mine and my husband's feelings. Sometimes not everyone gets what they want right away. What ever happened to working for something you want? If you had the men my children call grandpas in your life or your chidren's life and seen the bond that was formed over time and the devestation that followed when they passed, you wouldn't dare say "it's only a name." The conversation is done in private, all grown-up conversations and disagreements are not done in front of little ears. So fortunately no I am not teaching my children to be dramatic. How exactly am I under myself?? ; )

P.s. I consider a personal attack on an individual rather than an a requesed opinon in a CIVIL manner on a specific subject to be petty and rude, but what the heck do I know....

Quoting Anonymous:

How would you like it if when you married your husband, everyone in his family called you Missxxxx.

Its the same thing, after all you had not earned the title of DIL!  How do you think this man feels?  All your MIL wants is for everybody to be happy.  You don't have to call him Grandpa, but you could all call him something a little more familiar.  I think you are being rude and soooo petty.  You must like DRAMA.  Unfortunately you are teaching your children the same thing.  It's only a name---GET OVER YOURSELF.

 

 


MnMsMomma19
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 1:04 AM

Well, the name was't really ever picked that is how she introduced him to the kids and how she refers to him when she talks to the kids. We live in the south so Mr. is a given out of respect, so I don't think he really had anything to do with what he was called, my MIL made the call most lkely. I wouldn't mind dropping the Mr. to sound less formal or add a fun ending to his name for them. Fortunately, my DH and  I are on the same page. Thanks for your input!

Quoting trebelcleff:

Thanks for answering!  I can certainly see your point.  I also saw a reply in which you said that your MIL helped pick the name Mr. Name, and now wants to change it.  Was "Mr. Name" a part of choosing that name or did she choose for him?  I think if he would like to be called something else that is slightly less formal I would personally compromise with that (after all, Mr. Name doesn't really sound like something you call family), but I can definitely understand why you don't want to call him a grandpa name, especially if the kiddos don't really know him yet.  At any rate, as long as your husband and you are on the same page, everyone else can just bite it.

Quoting MnMsMomma19:

It doesn't have to be years, but Poppa, Peepaw, Grandpa, Papaw,etc. are names to call a man out of respect and unconditional love from a bond  or relationship that has been established. Therefore its in a way earned. Its just my opinion. Family that was in the picture from the get go most likely have already established that bond with family members. For instance my son, who I am nine months pregnant with, will grow up with Mr. Name in the picture and will have the opportunity to form that bond with him and be considered a grandpa to my son. I would accept that. But I don't accept the demand for them to call him something if they don't feel what I have mentioned above.

Quoting trebelcleff:

This is purely for curiosity, and I'm certainly not trying to be rude, but why is the name is something to be earned over the years?  My parents and both sets of inlaws either already had names from other grandchildren or picked names when they found out we were expecting.  My mother picked a name and our kids ended up calling her something else as toddlers which was fine with everyone.  They didn't have to earn their names to me, but I also understand that they are family who either myself or my DH have known for years.  I guess I can see both views, but I really am curious about your idea that they need to earn the right to be called a certain name...

Quoting MnMsMomma19:

I appreciate your opinion, however, I disagree that it is a petty issue. The term grandpa or any name of the sort is something that is EARNED over years. It isn't just a name contrary to what some believe. How can I be expected to ask my children to call a man I BARELY know that my MIL has been married to for only five months and has only known for a year and three months a name representative of a grandpa... He is out of town for half the month working, so we really do not know this person well enough to address him as anything other than Mr. Name. I refuse to just open the door to my family for just anyone, it has to be earned, my trust, so on and so forth. He has not done that. My daughter knows who her grandpas were, unfortunately, my son who I am 9 months pregnant with will never know his grandpa's for himself. My husband grew up without any grandpa's and he has turned into a wonderful man. So contrary to what you think, my children will be just fine growing up without a grandpa. The man is not their grandfather nor has he EARNED the privilege to be called as such. If its just a name to be handed out to anyone who comes and goes into a family, what meaning would it hold for the ones who have always been there and done all they could with their grandchildren? Grannie Kel, wouldn't that in a way demean your face value of being called Grannie?  Trust me for the last 61/2 years I have bit my tongue so much regarding my MIL I'm surprised I still have one, I refuse to be a doormat on an subject I feel VERY strongly about.

 

 

 


MnMsMomma19
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 1:10 AM

After I spoke to my DH, he called his mom and let her bring it up. She brought it up by saying, "I think I pissed your wife off last night on the phone". I think she assumed he wouldn't back me. Anyways, he proceeded to tell her that he agrees. He feels that you have to be a father before you can be a grandfather.(His biological father walked out when he was a child) He also told his mom that during the 17 years she was with but not married to his younger sister's dad (whom he liked, but unfortunately has no relationship with now), it was never an issue that he and his older sister called him by his name and nothing else. Why did she expect him to make his children do differently.. I was very proud of my DH for backing me and standing up to her.

Quoting afwifeandmommy3:

What does dh say


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