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Need honest opinions on MIL disagreement!

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Let me give some background information first off. Within the last two and a half years, my daughter has lost both of her poppas, my father to suicide in april 2010 and my father's father to cancer in november 2012. Those were her only grandfathers since my husband has never had anything to do with his paternal side. Anyways, my MIL recently married a man in July of 2012 that she hadn't even known a full year yet. To the current issue at hand, my MIL informs me tonight on the phone that we need to give her new husband a new name besides Mr. and then his name, to be called by her grandkids. Something like peepaw, pappi, you get the idea. Well, I informed her that what they call him is fine considering he is not their grandpa and has not earned the right to be called by a name representative of a grandfather. Yes, I was slightly harsh, and my reasoning is a little selfish since I had always envisioned my dad and grandfather in the picture. Anyways, she called me rude for having that opinion, then proceeded to try and guilt trip me into changing my opinion by saying her new husband doesn't feel like part of the family because the kids call him Mr. Name. I simply told her I'm sorry but our kids will not be referring to her husband as anything other than what he has been referred to for the last year. Frankly, I do not like the man, he is in his 60s and rather old school, so he tries to undermind my authority when around (big pet peeve, Im the parent, I'll parent my child, stay the heck out of it) he is a major know it all, and I don't trust him alone with my daughter therefore the two weeks he is in town, she doesn't spend the night there. Ever really... Am I justified in refusing to make my kids to call him by a different, more grandfatherly name? I will try to keep an open mind that some will not agree with my train of thought. 

by on Dec. 2, 2012 at 1:32 AM
Replies (81-90):
MnMsMomma19
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 1:25 AM
1 mom liked this

AN UPDATE: All talk about the name ceased once my husband informed his mother he supported my claims and that we are the parents so that was the end of the discussion. (very proud of my DH, not very often does he take a stand against anything to do with his mother) Anyways, she called me today to verify the time for my ob appointment tomorrow (I am 9 months preggo) that I had invited her to (prior to said disagreement)since I get to have a growth ultrasound because he is becoming a big boy. Things were normal, we spoke for 30 plus minutes, she spoke to dd, and we said good bye, i love you. Hopefully, all goes well while we are in each other's company tomorrow. The upside is my grandma is coming along as well so I doubt my MIL will be passive-aggressive with her around, especially since my grandpa that just passed away two weeks ago is her husband of 54 YEARS 1 MONTH AND A FEW DAYS! Now that is a marriage! : ) I really appreciate everyone's opinions and the time they took to help me sort my thoughts and feelings!

fullxbusymom
by Bronze Member on Dec. 4, 2012 at 8:49 AM
2 moms liked this
Their mom no, their step mom....yes. My mom remarried when I was 17. They dated for only a year and yup I started calling him Dad within a year and my children call him Papa. So your argument as it relates to my family doesn't hold water.

I find that sad that your husband doesn't accept that he is his step dad. I guess it boils down to different families, different feelings. I just was giving my perspective. I wish you well in this situation and hope for the best outcome.


Quoting MnMsMomma19:

Hypothetically, lets say you and your SO were to divorce, and he remarried. Would you accept that just because he remarried yours and his children would call his new wife: mom, mommy, momma also? It would be no different than your argument below.


As far as him being a my DH's step-parent, in the technical sense yes, however, my husband has told his MIL and me he is not my dad, step dad, he is a man that makes you happy and thats the extent of it for him. He doesn't and will never see him as a step parent.


Quoting fullxbusymom:

I agree 100% with this.

P.S. I read your response to this and all I have to say it is no different than a sibling marrying and the kids having an instant aunt or uncle. Yes in our family they would have to immediately call them auntie or uncle and no different for a newly married grandparent. They earned the name by marrying into the family.

He has been part of your family for a year now and is your husbands Step dad which makes him your childrens step grandfather.



Quoting grannie_kel:


To me it sounds a little petty.  Does it really matter what your children call him?  Definitely not worth starting a family issue over.  You said yourself that your reasoning is a little selfish on your part, but it is not this man's fault that you no longer have your father or grandfather.  If you open the door a little and let him in, he could turn  out to be just the grandparent that your kids need and deserve, but that can't happen if your close the door over something so simple as what he will be called.  Every kid deserves to have a grampa, even if he is not perfect.  It sounds like your grandfather made a positive impact in your life...give your children the same opportunity.  There are times we have to bite our tongues for the good of the family. 



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kbpegasus
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 5:28 PM
1 mom liked this

 I have 6 stepchildren.  I would never insist that they call me mom!  MnMsMomma19 you are absolutely right in that your children do not have to call him anything!  I really don't understand these ladies calling you rude and petty.  I've had stepparents.  I would never call any of them dad.  They weren't my dad.  I had an aunt who remarried after she divorced my uncle and I never called her second husband uncle either!    If your mil doesn't like it that's too bad for her.

MnMsMomma19
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 8:29 PM

FINAL UPDATE: MIL and I got along fine today despite the disagreement. It wasn't spoken of, of course. However, I ended up having high blood pressure at the beginning of my appointment because the stinkin' ultrasound tech had me worried, but it later came down when my obgyn assured me everything was good... Anyways, when I told my MIL and Grandma about it, my MIL immediately says "Well, I haven't pissed you off today, so its not my fault..." All I could do was just agree... Lol, Gotta love her and I do.

TaraLani
by on Dec. 4, 2012 at 10:25 PM

Meh, I'm not going to read 5+ pages of opinions, but I'll share mine. I call my "step" grandma by her first name, so do my kids. No one has an issue with it, her and my Grandpa got married the same year as my husband and I, and I love her to death, but she was introduced by her first name, and everyone else calls her by it, so I'm not going to force them to call her anything else, either. My sister's BF/fiance guy who is currently shacking up with her in my recently widowed mother's home taking full advantage of her, on the other hand, keeps wanting to be "Uncle" Russ. Nope. Not only is he NOT their uncle, but I do not respect him, trust him, or have any care in the world for him. If they split ways RIGHT NOW I would tell my sister to her face "Good riddance!" Someone who has not EARNED their position, be it by birth or by respect, should try to earn it, instead of just flat out demanding it without any consideration for how different this is for the rest of the people involved, especially children. It sounds like you aren't very comfortable with his presence, so why give him a position of honor with a name of honor when there is no reason for it? I consider a title like "Grandpa, Pappa, Peepaw," all that, to be a name or title of honor, and the person who is called that should have earned it. My husband's STEPdad is Poppy, but his biological dad, whom I have never met in the nearly 8 years we've been married, is just Bobby. Why should some random guy who has no family ties other than MIL be any different?

Wessal
by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 6:59 AM

Mn...You are absolutely right about having the right to feel as you feel, but you asked for advice, maybe be a little open to it. I would absolutely not let my children spend the night in ANYONES home if I had ANY feeling or not that didn't make me feel right about it; on that point, follow your heart, mind and soul and listen to no one.

As far as what to call the man, unless he has been somehow disrespectful to you, your husband, children, or even your mother in law, I agree with someone else, who earlier said, maybe consider having the children call him by his first name. I also agree with the lady who said to keep an open mind about the possibility that he could be decent man with flaws like the rest of us.

In other words, I believe you can protect your children, make your mother in law happy, in turn make your husband happy, and feel safe yourself.

All the best to you and your family. Happy and safe delivery to you and your son.

LittlePistol87
by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:28 AM

I think it's to late to change his name it might confuse your kids. How often will you see them anyway?  Your MIL  probably wants the grand kids to call him a grandfatherly name to make herself feel better about getting re/married so late in life. Has she asked her kids to call m dad yet? Lol. 

LittlePistol87
by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:33 AM

Good luck!! 

Quoting MnMsMomma19:

AN UPDATE: All talk about the name ceased once my husband informed his mother he supported my claims and that we are the parents so that was the end of the discussion. (very proud of my DH, not very often does he take a stand against anything to do with his mother) Anyways, she called me today to verify the time for my ob appointment tomorrow (I am 9 months preggo) that I had invited her to (prior to said disagreement)since I get to have a growth ultrasound because he is becoming a big boy. Things were normal, we spoke for 30 plus minutes, she spoke to dd, and we said good bye, i love you. Hopefully, all goes well while we are in each other's company tomorrow. The upside is my grandma is coming along as well so I doubt my MIL will be passive-aggressive with her around, especially since my grandpa that just passed away two weeks ago is her husband of 54 YEARS 1 MONTH AND A FEW DAYS! Now that is a marriage! : ) I really appreciate everyone's opinions and the time they took to help me sort my thoughts and feelings!


daiseymae2
by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:41 AM

He isn't their grandfather just because he married their grandma. That's like someone expecting their kids to call their new step parent mom or dad. 

AmaliaD
by on Dec. 5, 2012 at 9:53 AM

its hard like that to be a step parent when there is grand kids involved. my story kinda relates - my parents divorced when i was 18. soon after my dad met maureen and dated her for 10 years! around that time i had my son. when my son was born he had my mom (gma1) and my mil (gma 2) and a great grandma and maureen. it never occured to me to call maureen anything other than maureen. other than my son couldnt say that - and called her mo mo.... she isnt my mom - she isnt my dhs mom - therefore she really isnt a grandma to my son. but as time went on - my mom got worse with her issues (she has mental issues - like bipolar and she drinks too much too) and we started to shelter ds from seeing my mom. also ds was older - like 3 or 4 and could be watched by more people. my dad started asking to watch ds for short stints on the weekend and maureen really grew into the grandma role. she also realized that its really unlikely that her bio kids will have children (both her dds are gay/bi and over 35. her son is married, he might have a kid, but he has heart issues, idk if that will happen, he is also over 35.) so she grew into the role, she acted as a grandma pouring her love into ds,  she started doing typical grandma stuff - buying him wacky stuff and bragging about him to her friends.    then my dad and maureen finally got married (because he fell off his bike,  scared her,  they had to lie to get her into the hospital.)    and at that point i asked ds to call maureen grandma maureen.    because in a pratical real sense - she does everything that a gma should do for him,  and is legally married to my dad,   so she earned it.   i agree i would not  call your mr.  name a grandpa because he isnt a grandpa - it doesnt mean that he cant earn it someday - but today he isnt.

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