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Does this seem reasonable to you?

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

I have a child from my previous marriage. She is in kindergarten. My ex is in the military stationed in California. My husband now is also in the military & also stationed in California- they are at different bases.  We currently live about 3 hours from my ex. We do every other weekend drop-off/pick up. It has not been an issue thus far.

Our divorce/custody papers state "there shall be no restrictions on the mother to relocate" I have primary physical custody (82% of parenting time) & he has EOW visitation which equals to 18% of time.

My husband recently received orders to a different base, about a 5-7 hour flight from where my ex is currently stationed. We are scheduled to leave here by the end of April. Although I am not required to ask his permission to leave (nor am I required to ask the states permission), I am required to give him 45 days notice.

When we split, he was ordered to pay almost $1200 a month in child support. Two years ago, when I met my husband, he came to me and basically guilted me in to taking a less amount because he claimed my husband would be taking on a lot of financial responsibility by marrying me and taking care of my daughter. So I reluctantly agreed to take $500 a month. I have her in dance class, she did a pre school program, etc and I never once asked him to help pay the cost, although our paperwork says that he is supposed to be responsible for half.

So now we are moving and I need to make arrangements on how to do visitations. Since she is school age and because we will be so far apart, I feel like a reasonable visitation would be 6-8 weeks in summer. That is roughly equal to the amount of time he gets her over the course of the year. I plan to make her available for Skype every Sunday evening so they can see each other that way. As always, he is welcome to call her any time he desires. During the time that she would be with him for those 6-8 weeks, I would agree to not receive child support so he can pay for childcare during the time he is at work.

Due to this move, I will be working so that I can pay for plane tickets for her and I to fly back to his location. I will not ask him to pay for her ticket at all. I feel that I am doing what I can to make this as painless as possible. Finances are a concern for everyone I am sure.

Does this seem reasonable to you?

Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 5, 2012 at 5:21 PM
Replies (31-40):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 9, 2012 at 11:44 AM

so  let me get this straight.... it was fair for him to beat me, cheat on me, not help take care of our child when we were together, not try to build a relationship with her until AFTER we split? It was HIS choice to leave, NOT MINE. So MY life and happiness as well as our childs is of no importance so long as I don't rip her from him (SMDH). Forget that my DH is a loving, caring, supportive father. Forget that my DH is the one who taught her to ride a bike, taught her to to tie her shoes, the one who plays with her instead of plopping her in front of the tv, the one who has been to all her dance recitals, the one who has woke up with her in the middle of the night when she had a nightmare, cuddled her when she was sick, and basically been a REAL father-through good and bad times- not just when it was convenient for him.

Our daughter has been with me since day one. I have been the one to do ALL of the parenting, even when we were together. The only reason he is "parenting" now is because it is court ordered. So its fair to rip our child away from the only security she has ever known, the only stability she has ever known and toss her to the wolves so to speak? She cries and begs not to go with him, but there is nothing I can do to say she can't go or doesn't have to go.

I am not preventing them from seeing each other. But I am not going to break up the stable family that she has now. You are so stupid. My god.

Quoting Anonymous:

If it's so fair why doesn't she see the kid once a year. She is not in the military he is. The made a child together now she finds it "fair" to rip the kid away from her father because she made a crappy choice. Again if it's fair she should be willing to accept the same terms. If she would be unwilling to only see her child once a year then why is the fairness only one sided?

Quoting TheIrishDuckie:

The military lifestyle means you HAVE to move. If he was transferring to another base would you say that she had to move to that location as well? Get real.


I think that's extremely fair and with you cutting back on what he has to pay in child support he'll be more able to save up and possibly come out for a short visit during school.

Quoting Anonymous:

I think it's completely shitty for either parent to move a child away from the other. You made the baby now deal with it. I have an idea.. YOU take 6-8 weeks in the summer. I mean if that's good enough for him it shoud be good enough for you right???




witchybabymomma
by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 2:08 PM

 seems reasonable, but I think you should also arrange for a visit during winter break. I know finances are a concern, but I don't think it's fair he only gets her once a year.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 9, 2012 at 2:32 PM
1 mom liked this

he is more than welcome to come out to where we will be. That will be up to him, he will have to arrange it and pay for it. He is already getting a break on child support and has been for the last 2 years. I am already paying for the summer trip. He can make arrangements if he wants to come out there. As I said, he can stay in military lodging.

Quoting witchybabymomma:

 seems reasonable, but I think you should also arrange for a visit during winter break. I know finances are a concern, but I don't think it's fair he only gets her once a year.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 9, 2012 at 2:36 PM

I also do not HAVE to do what I am willing to offer. I could still movewith her without his "permission". I could ask for the full $1200 a month in child support and have him pay back the difference that he has not been paying for 2 years. I could have him split the transportation cost, and still receive child support while she is with him.

But I do not choose to do that. I am not a bitch. I am trying to make this as drama free as possible.

Quoting witchybabymomma:

 seems reasonable, but I think you should also arrange for a visit during winter break. I know finances are a concern, but I don't think it's fair he only gets her once a year.


Seriously868
by Member on Dec. 9, 2012 at 2:48 PM
Seems more than fair.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
PumpkinSpice8
by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 2:58 PM

I would make sure you get at least 1-2 weeks of her vacation time at the end so she has time to readjust to home before going back to school. Long trips can be tough for kids. Also you might want to offer every other year he could take her for her Christmas school break (or half of it).

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 9, 2012 at 3:01 PM

he is welcome to come out here, at his own expense. He is getting a $700 a month break, that is more than enough to save for a plane ticket and a week of military lodging. I will never stop him from doing so, but I dont think that I should have to pay for it since I will already be paying for the summer trip, even though I would be within my rights to only pay for half.

Quoting PumpkinSpice8:

I would make sure you get at least 1-2 weeks of her vacation time at the end so she has time to readjust to home before going back to school. Long trips can be tough for kids. Also you might want to offer every other year he could take her for her Christmas school break (or half of it).


kaitybird
by on Dec. 9, 2012 at 4:09 PM

You are being more than fair to him.  However, I do think that you should let him be responsible for the transportation cost for her to come and see him on a basis.  You are being very generous in giving him a $700 break. Since it was ordered that he pay a certain amount and if found out not paying then he could end up owing back support.  Did you ever have it midified??

You should do what is right for you and your family!  

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Dec. 9, 2012 at 4:21 PM

the child support was more of a verbal understanding, it has never been in writing.

As for him being responsible for half of transportation, I do not really have a problem with paying for ONE trip a year. If I am cutting him a break on the child support, he will have enough money to pay for any additional trips to see her. Essentially he could be saving over $8k a year, that is more than enough to save to make a trip out to where we are.

Quoting kaitybird:

You are being more than fair to him.  However, I do think that you should let him be responsible for the transportation cost for her to come and see him on a basis.  You are being very generous in giving him a $700 break. Since it was ordered that he pay a certain amount and if found out not paying then he could end up owing back support.  Did you ever have it midified??

You should do what is right for you and your family!  


lazyd
by Member on Dec. 10, 2012 at 12:09 AM

sounds reasonable to me.  Good luck.  I hope your ex will accept the new "orders", BUT get a new court order to protect yourself.  Your ex should understand your moving cuz of the military, not just cuz you want to move away. 

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