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What Should I Do??

Posted by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 12:09 PM
  • 8 Replies

 I am in a situation to help out my god-sister who is 18, but has had a very hard life.  A little info behind the scenes, she became my god-sister because when I met her mother I was a high school student and we worked the same job and she was having a difficult time taking care of her 2 small children (both 2 yrs. and younger).  I gave up some of my hours so she could work and I always enjoyed babies/kids.  It got to where we were called in the middle of the night when her and her BF would get in fights and eventually when CPS took her kids from her a couple years later.  My parents became foster parent to them for about 4 years.  After they were allowed to go back to their mother she had moved out of state and since then CPS has been involved several times and nothing has gotten any better except their her mother has added 2 more children to the mix and is due any day with another.

Anyways my god-sister had the early learning years with us and remembers the safe and security she had with my parents.  My parents are in their 60's now and just don't have it in them to re-raise this girl on top of the hurt they have been caused by her mother and family (it got really bad).  So I have stayed in touch with her and have visited and had her visit me a few times in the past 1 1/2 years.  I love her with all my heart and it hurts that she has had to have this kind of life because of a selfish mother that has used her kids when it benefited her just as she still does today with the younger ones.  I am torn I would do anything for her and she knows that, IF she is commited to wanting and doing what it takes to break this cycle.  She has called me 2x in 3 days talking about wanting to start her life over.  I think she is serious, I hope she is.

My problem is this......I work out of my home and have 2 boys 10 yo and younger. I can provide for her and help her do what she needs to do to get her life together.  Go back to school for GED, help get a part time job, take Drivers Ed, get an ID, etc.  I have come up with rules for my home which are simple

1) I have small boys so just be respectful around their young ears and be a positive influence (I know its still in her to do the right things)

2) My home is my job, same as #1 rule

3) No friend's/family to MY home (they can visit else where (there are many problems with them when they come around, also she would be moving away from them so they shouldn't be around much anyways)

4) No hanky panky in my home (I feel mixed toward this as I am single and how can I teach this or request this when I am known to have a night visitor every now and then, its my home and I know I shouldnt have to answer for what I do when I pay the bills, but feel like a hypocrite for what I am asking her not to do)

5) As a minor NO ALCOHOL or DRUGS in my home or on my property

6) You are family we help each other out you will be expected to help with duties, find a part time job (I will help you with transportation to get, fill out, take back, interviews and once employment is found help get you to and from), get your GED, get a state ID, complete drivers ed for a license.  (Thankfully she does not have a child, so these things are fully obtainable without a child, I credit mothers that are able to do this with a child/ren to support and take care of)

Do you think these are acceptable and understandable rules and requirements??  I feel if she is serious about wanting to be stable then these would be fair and workable expectations.  Another thing I am going to request is that once employement is found that she give 1/2 of her earnings after the 1st months pay to me (I may do as I wish with these funds mostly they wil go for bills and extra cost for her living here, I would like to think that I will be able to put up most of it though to help her get a car when she is ready for it though).  This would not be a permanant living situation as after she completes schooling and finds a full-time job (which I can help her with after she obtains her GED with the company I am a contactor with) then she would be expected to find her own place and hopefully have a fighting chance at breaking the cycle she has grew up in.

I know I may have responses that say how can I make rules for a grown 18 year old, true.  She has the choice to either accept them and better herself (they may be to my standards, but I also believe they are basic life standards also) or to keep living the life she has, she approached me about wanting to better her life and knows that I am and in the position to help her out.  I did not get to where I am at in life because I was handed things, I too wwnt through a patch in life where she is at and I didn't have someone else to help me out of it, I worked my butt off and done it myself with the family support she does not have with her blood family but she does have it with us.

by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 12:09 PM
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Replies (1-8):
MamaT710
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 12:35 PM

 bump

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jan. 26, 2013 at 12:38 PM
Way too long.. I don't even know what you're asking.. Should you do it? Or are the rules good? Or what
MamaT710
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 12:57 PM

 Sry, I know it was long just wanted to make sure that the back ground was given for possible negative outcomes.  I risk my life and not in a life or death way but my childrens influence and my job if this comes out negative.  I just am looking for some other advice or rules that may not have been mentioned or if what I have as expectations are realistic.  Just looking for outside advice or suggestions.  So yes asking if rules are good and if you was in this situation would you do it?

Quoting Anonymous:

Way too long.. I don't even know what you're asking.. Should you do it? Or are the rules good? Or what

 

fencergal
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 1:41 PM
Tell her you will help her after she gets a job. Call and verify it to be true. Tell her she must sign her checks "for deposit only". Put it in your acct and keep 25% as her contribution. If she's offended, then there's your answer. I would have killed to have someone offer that to me.

Quoting MamaT710:

 I am in a situation to help out my god-sister who is 18, but has had a very hard life.  A little info behind the scenes, she became my god-sister because when I met her mother I was a high school student and we worked the same job and she was having a difficult time taking care of her 2 small children (both 2 yrs. and younger).  I gave up some of my hours so she could work and I always enjoyed babies/kids.  It got to where we were called in the middle of the night when her and her BF would get in fights and eventually when CPS took her kids from her a couple years later.  My parents became foster parent to them for about 4 years.  After they were allowed to go back to their mother she had moved out of state and since then CPS has been involved several times and nothing has gotten any better except their her mother has added 2 more children to the mix and is due any day with another.


Anyways my god-sister had the early learning years with us and remembers the safe and security she had with my parents.  My parents are in their 60's now and just don't have it in them to re-raise this girl on top of the hurt they have been caused by her mother and family (it got really bad).  So I have stayed in touch with her and have visited and had her visit me a few times in the past 1 1/2 years.  I love her with all my heart and it hurts that she has had to have this kind of life because of a selfish mother that has used her kids when it benefited her just as she still does today with the younger ones.  I am torn I would do anything for her and she knows that, IF she is commited to wanting and doing what it takes to break this cycle.  She has called me 2x in 3 days talking about wanting to start her life over.  I think she is serious, I hope she is.


My problem is this......I work out of my home and have 2 boys 10 yo and younger. I can provide for her and help her do what she needs to do to get her life together.  Go back to school for GED, help get a part time job, take Drivers Ed, get an ID, etc.  I have come up with rules for my home which are simple


1) I have small boys so just be respectful around their young ears and be a positive influence (I know its still in her to do the right things)


2) My home is my job, same as #1 rule


3) No friend's/family to MY home (they can visit else where (there are many problems with them when they come around, also she would be moving away from them so they shouldn't be around much anyways)


4) No hanky panky in my home (I feel mixed toward this as I am single and how can I teach this or request this when I am known to have a night visitor every now and then, its my home and I know I shouldnt have to answer for what I do when I pay the bills, but feel like a hypocrite for what I am asking her not to do)


5) As a minor NO ALCOHOL or DRUGS in my home or on my property


6) You are family we help each other out you will be expected to help with duties, find a part time job (I will help you with transportation to get, fill out, take back, interviews and once employment is found help get you to and from), get your GED, get a state ID, complete drivers ed for a license.  (Thankfully she does not have a child, so these things are fully obtainable without a child, I credit mothers that are able to do this with a child/ren to support and take care of)


Do you think these are acceptable and understandable rules and requirements??  I feel if she is serious about wanting to be stable then these would be fair and workable expectations.  Another thing I am going to request is that once employement is found that she give 1/2 of her earnings after the 1st months pay to me (I may do as I wish with these funds mostly they wil go for bills and extra cost for her living here, I would like to think that I will be able to put up most of it though to help her get a car when she is ready for it though).  This would not be a permanant living situation as after she completes schooling and finds a full-time job (which I can help her with after she obtains her GED with the company I am a contactor with) then she would be expected to find her own place and hopefully have a fighting chance at breaking the cycle she has grew up in.


I know I may have responses that say how can I make rules for a grown 18 year old, true.  She has the choice to either accept them and better herself (they may be to my standards, but I also believe they are basic life standards also) or to keep living the life she has, she approached me about wanting to better her life and knows that I am and in the position to help her out.  I did not get to where I am at in life because I was handed things, I too wwnt through a patch in life where she is at and I didn't have someone else to help me out of it, I worked my butt off and done it myself with the family support she does not have with her blood family but she does have it with us.

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lovegrandbaby
by Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 2:01 PM

I would have to agree with previous response - give her the rules and if she agrees, give her a set time frame.

MamaT710
by on Jan. 26, 2013 at 2:16 PM
The only problem with the get a job 1st is that she lives 2 hours away from here and knows no one else 2 stay with to get a job 1st down here. That's why she wants to be here cause she will not be in life life here that she is up there and I would rather have her enrolled in school for GED 1st then worry about job 2nd. I am blessed to not have 2 worry about $$ to help her out right now that's why I want her to focus on school 1st.
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lovegrandbaby
by Member on Jan. 26, 2013 at 7:10 PM

Getting her GED is important.  Just make sure she knows what your expectations are.  You sound like a level headed person, and very caring.  I am sure you will make the right decision for all concerned.

MamaT710
by on Feb. 5, 2013 at 11:40 AM
To update on what has happened. She has been here 1 week today, got an appointment for orientation and placement testing for GED this week. Have applied to change her address and sent away for her birth certificate. Took her shopping cause all she had was 2 pair of clothes. Last night she wanted me to take her back until her GED appt. Which is 2 weeks away, I discussed with her that this wasn't an option (shee is feeling bad because her boyfriend is fixin to be homeless, again nothing to do with her and him 24/7 on the phone with her..not my phone, she has wifi on her phne buts its not on or else I would be puttin restrictions on my phone). Looks like I will be taking her back this week :( all before her id n birth certificate had a chance to come back and all because of flippin man that has nothing going for him or stability for her. I let her know that this was a 1 time chance with me helping like this. So disappointed
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