These feelings started as a child- I can remember when my parents got divorced, my mom made me feel like it was my fault because I thought it was cool to live in 2 different houses. I was 7.
Then growing up, I always had the feeling (kid's intuition?) that she didn't want me; that she loved my younger brother & sister more than me. As a teen I got into trouble with alcohol (cry for attention?) & she beat me for it. I was treated like a prisoner; wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything & I was the one who was responsible for cleaning the house.
I finally moved out when I was 17 & it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I avoided her for awhile, but then I started missing my mom & we eventually got closer than we ever were. When I got married at 24, she bought my wedding dress & was there with me through every step of the planning. She was the one I turned to when my ds was born 2 months early a year later. I loved how our relationship had changed. Then when my ds was 18 months old, he got extremely sick & had 2 febrile seizures & she BLAMED ME. Like I somehow purposely gave him an ear infection because I wanted to see my baby suffer. After that incident, we didn't speak for 6 months.
We eventually reconnected but since then I've had that feeling again, like she doesn't want me around. I'm 30 freaking years old & I still feel like an unloved misfit when it comes to my mom.
I have 2 children now, her only grandchildren, & we've only seen her twice since Christmas. She visits my unmarried, childless brother who lives TWO & A HALF HOURS AWAY once a week; but here I am, 15 minutes down the road with her grandchildren & she can't be bothered.
I just don't get it- I can guarantee when my children are grown & on their own, when they ask, "Can I come visit?" my answer will be YES!
I don't expect her to want us there all the time, but I THOUGHT that parents/grandparents enjoyed spending time with their children/ grandchildren more than an hour a month?
It's gotten to the point now where, when we make plans with her, dh & don't tell our 5 year old ds until we 're actually THERE because she cancels so much & hurts his feelings.
Idk, I just wish I could say "f*%ck it, I don't care anymore" but for some reason I can't...
Thanks for letting me ramble...