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I don't want to care anymore...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 15 Replies
...but the way my mom treats me is killing me inside. I honestly feel like if I disappeared she wouldn't even notice. Or care.
These feelings started as a child- I can remember when my parents got divorced, my mom made me feel like it was my fault because I thought it was cool to live in 2 different houses. I was 7.
Then growing up, I always had the feeling (kid's intuition?) that she didn't want me; that she loved my younger brother & sister more than me. As a teen I got into trouble with alcohol (cry for attention?) & she beat me for it. I was treated like a prisoner; wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything & I was the one who was responsible for cleaning the house.
I finally moved out when I was 17 & it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I avoided her for awhile, but then I started missing my mom & we eventually got closer than we ever were. When I got married at 24, she bought my wedding dress & was there with me through every step of the planning. She was the one I turned to when my ds was born 2 months early a year later. I loved how our relationship had changed. Then when my ds was 18 months old, he got extremely sick & had 2 febrile seizures & she BLAMED ME. Like I somehow purposely gave him an ear infection because I wanted to see my baby suffer. After that incident, we didn't speak for 6 months.
We eventually reconnected but since then I've had that feeling again, like she doesn't want me around. I'm 30 freaking years old & I still feel like an unloved misfit when it comes to my mom.
I have 2 children now, her only grandchildren, & we've only seen her twice since Christmas. She visits my unmarried, childless brother who lives TWO & A HALF HOURS AWAY once a week; but here I am, 15 minutes down the road with her grandchildren & she can't be bothered.
I just don't get it- I can guarantee when my children are grown & on their own, when they ask, "Can I come visit?" my answer will be YES!
I don't expect her to want us there all the time, but I THOUGHT that parents/grandparents enjoyed spending time with their children/ grandchildren more than an hour a month?
It's gotten to the point now where, when we make plans with her, dh & don't tell our 5 year old ds until we 're actually THERE because she cancels so much & hurts his feelings.
Idk, I just wish I could say "f*%ck it, I don't care anymore" but for some reason I can't...

Thanks for letting me ramble...
Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 9, 2013 at 2:14 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Titana
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 5:39 PM
That's awful! I wish I had words of wisdom or advice but I don't really know what to say. Keep your head up hun! *hugs*
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GertieK
by Silver Member on Feb. 9, 2013 at 6:06 PM

In a way, I can relate.  A little different on my part, but similar.  I never got close to my mom.  We lived overseas (they were missionaries), and I left for boarding school when I was 14.  When I was still home, she spent very little time with me.  I never measured up to her expectations.  Eventhe little praise I got was always couched with "but if you had done it this way ....... (fill in the blank), it would have been better.  She was always critical, and very aloof.  My dad was the opposite, and i was very close to him.  When they got older, they moved from Texas to be near me.... because daddy really wanted to.  She hated it here, and never held back in telling me so.  When she started going down with alzheimers, I took care of them.  I worked all night, and then went to their house to cook and clean for them, and take care of her needs.  She became even more bitter and hateful, yelling at me and spitting and bitting and hitting.  She hurt my daddy so much.  He loved her so deeply, and was an amazing man.  We were very close.  When she finally passed, it killed him.  All he wanted to do was go on to be with her.  Now, she is gone, and I still don't understand.  Really, I know she loved me, but I also know that I was a disappointment no matter how hard I tried.  He, too, is gone... and I miss him so much.  It makes me sad that I don't miss her.   It makes me sad that I never got to have that closeness that I have with my own girls.  Hugs to you.  I wish i could help, but I am lost too. 

usdi
by on Feb. 9, 2013 at 6:26 PM

I'm sorry! I hope you have a better day today! hugs

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 10, 2013 at 12:53 AM

Stay away from mom for awhile.  Don't call or visit.  She will call you when she's ready.  

hugs

Kim042269
by on Feb. 10, 2013 at 3:34 AM

I notice that instead of just talking about what's going on with your mom now, you backed it all the way up to when you were 7. Since you're a grown-up now, you need to focus on now - not what happened when you were 7. Just like you're not the same person you were then, neither is your mom. Stop approaching the problem like a hurt child, and approach it like a concerned adult. Be upfront about what's going on, how it makes you feel, and how it affects your family - all based on who you are today, and only today. You and your mom are both adult women, and you have to interact with her on those terms now. If she's not receptive to what you have to say, you have to be prepared to accept that and have a relationship with her based on who she is now.

NDADanceMom
by Bronze Member on Feb. 10, 2013 at 9:32 PM
Eh. I don't spend time worrying about what my mom thinks of me.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 11, 2013 at 12:22 AM
I went back to when I was 7 to give a background on WHY I get the feelings I do, not because I dwell in the past. Honestly, I HAVE tried telling her how I feel before- & all she told me was, "You need to get help. I treat all of you kids the same- if I bought something for one of you, I bought the other 2 something of the same value. You kids had it good but now that you're grown I need my own life. You need to talk to a psychiatrist."
Believe me, I've tried... But every time I do, she throws it back at me to make me seem like an ungrateful, selfish child. And I'm not- I'm just tired of the fact that she's now not only hurting my feelings, she's breaking my child's heart as well.


Quoting Kim042269:

I notice that instead of just talking about what's going on with your mom now, you backed it all the way up to when you were 7. Since you're a grown-up now, you need to focus on now - not what happened when you were 7. Just like you're not the same person you were then, neither is your mom. Stop approaching the problem like a hurt child, and approach it like a concerned adult. Be upfront about what's going on, how it makes you feel, and how it affects your family - all based on who you are today, and only today. You and your mom are both adult women, and you have to interact with her on those terms now. If she's not receptive to what you have to say, you have to be prepared to accept that and have a relationship with her based on who she is now.


Kim042269
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 1:51 AM

 It's unfortunate that your mom is responding to you that way, but if her actions are hurting you and your child, and she's unwilling to really hear what you have to say, then it seems to me that the only solution is to put some distance between her and your family, and enjoy your life without her.


Quoting Anonymous:

I went back to when I was 7 to give a background on WHY I get the feelings I do, not because I dwell in the past. Honestly, I HAVE tried telling her how I feel before- & all she told me was, "You need to get help. I treat all of you kids the same- if I bought something for one of you, I bought the other 2 something of the same value. You kids had it good but now that you're grown I need my own life. You need to talk to a psychiatrist."
Believe me, I've tried... But every time I do, she throws it back at me to make me seem like an ungrateful, selfish child. And I'm not- I'm just tired of the fact that she's now not only hurting my feelings, she's breaking my child's heart as well.


Quoting Kim042269:

I notice that instead of just talking about what's going on with your mom now, you backed it all the way up to when you were 7. Since you're a grown-up now, you need to focus on now - not what happened when you were 7. Just like you're not the same person you were then, neither is your mom. Stop approaching the problem like a hurt child, and approach it like a concerned adult. Be upfront about what's going on, how it makes you feel, and how it affects your family - all based on who you are today, and only today. You and your mom are both adult women, and you have to interact with her on those terms now. If she's not receptive to what you have to say, you have to be prepared to accept that and have a relationship with her based on who she is now.



 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 11, 2013 at 9:24 AM
Thank you for your advice...


Quoting Kim042269:

 It's unfortunate that your mom is responding to you that way, but if her actions are hurting you and your child, and she's unwilling to really hear what you have to say, then it seems to me that the only solution is to put some distance between her and your family, and enjoy your life without her.




Quoting Anonymous:

I went back to when I was 7 to give a background on WHY I get the feelings I do, not because I dwell in the past. Honestly, I HAVE tried telling her how I feel before- & all she told me was, "You need to get help. I treat all of you kids the same- if I bought something for one of you, I bought the other 2 something of the same value. You kids had it good but now that you're grown I need my own life. You need to talk to a psychiatrist."
Believe me, I've tried... But every time I do, she throws it back at me to make me seem like an ungrateful, selfish child. And I'm not- I'm just tired of the fact that she's now not only hurting my feelings, she's breaking my child's heart as well.



Quoting Kim042269:


I notice that instead of just talking about what's going on with your mom now, you backed it all the way up to when you were 7. Since you're a grown-up now, you need to focus on now - not what happened when you were 7. Just like you're not the same person you were then, neither is your mom. Stop approaching the problem like a hurt child, and approach it like a concerned adult. Be upfront about what's going on, how it makes you feel, and how it affects your family - all based on who you are today, and only today. You and your mom are both adult women, and you have to interact with her on those terms now. If she's not receptive to what you have to say, you have to be prepared to accept that and have a relationship with her based on who she is now.





 


Butterfly_31
by on Feb. 11, 2013 at 9:28 AM

Wow! your mom sounds exactly like my mother. We have not talked in almost 2 years. She always treated me bad, like she never wanted me. I always got hit on and yelled at while my older sister and brother got away with everything, she told me when I was 14 that she was jealous of me I was like wtf i am your daughter. She has always tried to break up every relationship I have had, she never did come to my wedding and she lived about 10 minutes down the road from the church I was getting married in. She always made me miserable and she makes everyone miserable. I have tried to get close to her and do everything possible to make her happy and for her to accept me, but it never worked. When I was 6 months pregnant with my last child me and her got into an arguement and she hit me in the belly, I said i am pregnant mom wtf is wrong with you, she said you don't need the baby anyways. Then I knew, I didn't need her in my life, she only caused me misery and pain, I love her cuz she is my mother, but its her with the problems and I choose not to have her in my life and my childrens life, it is sad but it is the best for everyone, especially my children, cuz she would talk to my 8 year old daughter about adult stuff, and I don't want her to put my kids through anything she put me through.

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