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Hate my family vent, kinda long

Posted by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 11:33 PM
  • 16 Replies

I really truely thought I was over all of this. So much time has passed and I go long periods of time without even thinking about them, but I do hate my family. Well, half of them. My dad's half.

He wasn't my bio father, I have no idea who that is. He started dating my mom when I was 4ish, and they got married when I was around 6. He adopted me and loved me, he was my dad. That should have been enough for everyone, but his family never accepted me. On holidays they would make a big show of getting my brother presents and nothing for me, or they'd add my name to his card even though it was obviously not for me. They took every oppurtunity to let me know that I wasn't real family and never would be. I grew up trying very hard to earn some sort of affection from them, but I never could be good enough.

When my dad died they showed up like a pack of vultures and pretty much ransacked our home, taking almost everything that was my dad's. I was 17, no one listened to me, my mom was in complete shock and didn't even try to stop them. I haven't talked to them since his funeral, and I haven't missed them.

My grandmother died last week. Well, my dad's mother. She told me many times that I was no grandchild of hers. I'm not surprised that no one told me. I'm not even upset about it, I doubt they would even know how to get in touch with me if they wanted to. My other (real) grandmother seen her obituary today and called to let me know. It said that she was survived by her grandchildren - my brother and cousins, and her great grandchildren - my brother's kids. Not a word about me or my children.

This doesn't really surprise me, but I was surprised by the pain it brought. I should be over these people. Them not accepting me is an old wound, one that should be long healed.

I sat here reading the obituary and I was surprised to find myself tearing up. I'm not mourning the death of this woman I never got to know, I'm mourning the fact that I was never given the chance to know her. Why wasn't I good enough for them? I was just an innocent child, and I had my daddy's love. Why wasn't that enough?

I know in my head that it wasn't me, it was them. I know that they don't deserve to have me crying over the family they wouldn't let me be a part of. I know that they don't give me a second thought, and I should move on and just forget about them. But it still hurts.

by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 11:33 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LuckyMom822
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 11:57 PM

So sad! I'm sorry for your pain. It's their loss. Hugs!!

Zazayam
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 12:04 AM
1 mom liked this

Thank you :)
I feel quite a bit better already just getting all that off my chest.

Quoting LuckyMom822:

So sad! I'm sorry for your pain. It's their loss. Hugs!!


GertieK
by Silver Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 10:58 AM

Oh my goodness, I am SO sorry.  I am tearing up as I read your post.  Logically, and rationally, you should be over it.  But, unfortunately...emotions and feelings seldom follow the path of logic or rationality.  What they did and how they acted was disgusting and wrong.  It hurt you.  I have found, in my own life, that before I can really truly heal from a hurt... that I have to get really angry, express the real depth of my hurt.  I cannot just say that I know the person hurting me was wrong, but that it really doesn't matter.  I have to acknowledge how I really feel.  I have to express my feelings.  Then I can begin to let them go.  Eventually, I have found that true freedom from hurt also comes with forgiveness.  Not because it does them any good.  But, because it does me good.  As cliche' as it sounds, the only person suffering at this point is you, and those who love you.  You are a bigger and better person than they will ever be.  Forgiving them and then letting it go will provide the freedom from pain that your spirit needs and deserves.  Hugs to you.

GaleJ
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 2:31 PM
1 mom liked this

OP I must agree completely with GertieK and as someone that suffered the same kind of emotional abuse from a stepfamily I can tell you that while the pain still can surprise me from time to time I am able to say that, for the most part I have moved past it and hope that you can as well. My thoughts are with you, please feel free to PM if you would like to talk.


Quoting GertieK:

Oh my goodness, I am SO sorry.  I am tearing up as I read your post.  Logically, and rationally, you should be over it.  But, unfortunately...emotions and feelings seldom follow the path of logic or rationality.  What they did and how they acted was disgusting and wrong.  It hurt you.  I have found, in my own life, that before I can really truly heal from a hurt... that I have to get really angry, express the real depth of my hurt.  I cannot just say that I know the person hurting me was wrong, but that it really doesn't matter.  I have to acknowledge how I really feel.  I have to express my feelings.  Then I can begin to let them go.  Eventually, I have found that true freedom from hurt also comes with forgiveness.  Not because it does them any good.  But, because it does me good.  As cliche' as it sounds, the only person suffering at this point is you, and those who love you.  You are a bigger and better person than they will ever be.  Forgiving them and then letting it go will provide the freedom from pain that your spirit needs and deserves.  Hugs to you.



Zazayam
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 4:25 PM

Thank you both, and GaleJ I am sorry you dealt with the same.

I think it's something that I didn't totally realize that I still had bottled up, and just getting it all off my chest (even to total strangers, lol) really helped a lot. I do feel better, anyway.

Quoting GaleJ:

OP I must agree completely with GertieK and as someone that suffered the same kind of emotional abuse from a stepfamily I can tell you that while the pain still can surprise me from time to time I am able to say that, for the most part I have moved past it and hope that you can as well. My thoughts are with you, please feel free to PM if you would like to talk.


Quoting GertieK:

Oh my goodness, I am SO sorry.  I am tearing up as I read your post.  Logically, and rationally, you should be over it.  But, unfortunately...emotions and feelings seldom follow the path of logic or rationality.  What they did and how they acted was disgusting and wrong.  It hurt you.  I have found, in my own life, that before I can really truly heal from a hurt... that I have to get really angry, express the real depth of my hurt.  I cannot just say that I know the person hurting me was wrong, but that it really doesn't matter.  I have to acknowledge how I really feel.  I have to express my feelings.  Then I can begin to let them go.  Eventually, I have found that true freedom from hurt also comes with forgiveness.  Not because it does them any good.  But, because it does me good.  As cliche' as it sounds, the only person suffering at this point is you, and those who love you.  You are a bigger and better person than they will ever be.  Forgiving them and then letting it go will provide the freedom from pain that your spirit needs and deserves.  Hugs to you.




grannie_kel
by Bronze Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 6:02 PM

Are you and your brother close?  Is he close to that part of the family?   How does he feel about the way they have always treated you?

supermommie1
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 9:06 PM
1 mom liked this

when my dad and mom got married, my mom already had a daughter.

after my mom and dad had me and my sister, my grandmother in my dads side, would do the same thing, send nothing for my sister, only for me and my sister. 

you know how my parents took care of it? sent anything and everything back to her and told her to send for all or not at all. told my grandmother that if she even showed the slightest favoritism towards us and not my sister, that she would never see any of us again. 

i dont know why your parents didnt do that. but they should have!

Zazayam
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 3:05 AM

We're very close, I think he never really noticed or cared that they liked him when we were growing up. He's a bit younger then me so I doubt he seen an issue with it as a kid. Now that we're grown he's not as close with them, but they still speak and see each other on the hollidays.

I talked to him today and he said he was planning on blowing up at them over the obituary, and says that was his last straw and he's cutting ties. I told him not to worry about it, I don't want to take family away from his kids. But he says they're clearly not family anyway, so I don't know what will happen.

Quoting grannie_kel:

Are you and your brother close?  Is he close to that part of the family?   How does he feel about the way they have always treated you?


Zazayam
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 3:08 AM

My oldest son is a step-son, if there was any sort of issue I would handle it the same way your parents did. Thankfully hubby's family is great and have loved my boy since they met. I would NEVER allow anyone to make my son feel unwanted or unloved, I'm really not sure why my parents just went with it. I mean they threw fits and told everyone it wasn't ok, but we kept going back for more. I think they thought I was tougher then I was, I always did a pretty good job of acting like 'who needs them anyway' ya know?

Quoting supermommie1:

when my dad and mom got married, my mom already had a daughter.

after my mom and dad had me and my sister, my grandmother in my dads side, would do the same thing, send nothing for my sister, only for me and my sister. 

you know how my parents took care of it? sent anything and everything back to her and told her to send for all or not at all. told my grandmother that if she even showed the slightest favoritism towards us and not my sister, that she would never see any of us again. 

i dont know why your parents didnt do that. but they should have!


rescuekim
by Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 7:17 AM

I would write a letter/email to all of them, telling them how they made me feel and get it off my chest.  If I got apologies and good responses, I'd go with it, otherwise, I'd move on.

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