I really truely thought I was over all of this. So much time has passed and I go long periods of time without even thinking about them, but I do hate my family. Well, half of them. My dad's half.
He wasn't my bio father, I have no idea who that is. He started dating my mom when I was 4ish, and they got married when I was around 6. He adopted me and loved me, he was my dad. That should have been enough for everyone, but his family never accepted me. On holidays they would make a big show of getting my brother presents and nothing for me, or they'd add my name to his card even though it was obviously not for me. They took every oppurtunity to let me know that I wasn't real family and never would be. I grew up trying very hard to earn some sort of affection from them, but I never could be good enough.
When my dad died they showed up like a pack of vultures and pretty much ransacked our home, taking almost everything that was my dad's. I was 17, no one listened to me, my mom was in complete shock and didn't even try to stop them. I haven't talked to them since his funeral, and I haven't missed them.
My grandmother died last week. Well, my dad's mother. She told me many times that I was no grandchild of hers. I'm not surprised that no one told me. I'm not even upset about it, I doubt they would even know how to get in touch with me if they wanted to. My other (real) grandmother seen her obituary today and called to let me know. It said that she was survived by her grandchildren - my brother and cousins, and her great grandchildren - my brother's kids. Not a word about me or my children.
This doesn't really surprise me, but I was surprised by the pain it brought. I should be over these people. Them not accepting me is an old wound, one that should be long healed.
I sat here reading the obituary and I was surprised to find myself tearing up. I'm not mourning the death of this woman I never got to know, I'm mourning the fact that I was never given the chance to know her. Why wasn't I good enough for them? I was just an innocent child, and I had my daddy's love. Why wasn't that enough?
I know in my head that it wasn't me, it was them. I know that they don't deserve to have me crying over the family they wouldn't let me be a part of. I know that they don't give me a second thought, and I should move on and just forget about them. But it still hurts.