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My pending delema

Posted by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 8:39 PM
  • 8 Replies
My dd is 7 and her father is dying fr stage 4 colon cancer. We are divorced and I am remarried to a wonderful supportive man. I have been trying to prepare her for the loss. But as we all know you can prepare but when it does happen it is going to be devistating. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can help her cope. We have our minister looking for books and a wonderful lady who has dealt with families moarning the loss but hers is all vetren related. I could really use some advise. Thank you so much.
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by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 8:39 PM
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Replies (1-8):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Mar. 5, 2013 at 8:40 PM

dilemma

LuckyMom822
by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 8:44 PM

Oh that is so sad. I'm sorry but I am of no help. I just wanted to give you a hug.


hugs

ready4happiness
by New Member on Mar. 5, 2013 at 8:45 PM
1 mom liked this
Thank you for the hug 8-)
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Zazayam
by on Mar. 6, 2013 at 12:35 AM

I'm also no help, but I'm sorry for you and the whole family. That's tough :(

GertieK
by Silver Member on Mar. 6, 2013 at 9:25 AM
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One of the main things is gentle honesty.  Kids can understand and deal with more than most folks give them credit for.  Encourage him to spend time with her, and to maybe be writing letters for her to have in the future - like when she graduates from high school/college, or gets married, or has her first baby.  Encourage him to talk to her about what is going on.  Make sure she knows that it isn't her fault - and that his love will never die.  When he does pass, don't discourage her from talking about him.  Continue to tell stories about him, especially ones about her and him.  Take lots of pictures, especially of them together.  She is going to be sad and confused regardless of what you say or do, but if you think ahead to the future and can give her concrete proof that he loved her that she can see and hold in her hand when she needs to, she will end up with a much better memory of him and what happened.  While dealing with death at the time it happens is difficult, and is what so many people tend to focus on, even adults have a hard time being prepared - and they understand what is going on...understand the concept of "death".  Let her see you be sad, but strong.  It is how she deals with the loss as she grows up that will have the most impact on her life.

girlnextdoornco
by New Member on Mar. 6, 2013 at 5:58 PM

Your poor little girl..I'm sorry that she is having to face thiscrying (and you too). Perhaps your minister will find another book, but Children and Grief: Helping Your Child Understand Death by Joey O'Connor is a great resource and it's written from a Christian perspective....filled with practical advice.  Hope this helps and I'm praying for all of you.

didavis
by on Mar. 6, 2013 at 6:39 PM

Really, all you can do is be ready to help her. Try to do as much as you possibly can for her. It just is going to take time and really, regardless of how much you prepare her; it will be devastating when it happens. Have her in therapy if you can and be prepared to look after her. Don't allow her to quit things like sports or school. Get her around as much people as possible.

GaleJ
by on Mar. 6, 2013 at 6:43 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with GertieK completely. My mother died when I was nine and it can be very difficult, thankfully now there is much more focus brought to the problem and children are much more likely to be provided with the appropriate help they might need to get through it in a healthy way.

Please do expect some disturbances in what you would consider normal behavior from your daughter. No matter how well prepared she is and no matter how well she may seem to be handling things there will be times when she may be overcome and may well respond by acting out in anger or sadness or in some completely unexpected way. Mourning can take a long time and is not a steady movement but often goes on in fits and starts. 

There are a number of groups that offer support for children who lose their parents, please seek one out and get your daughter involved, she may well resist but stay with it and if one doesn't seem like the best fit seek another. She needs to know that she isn't the only child dealing with this and may find it easier to grieve with other children who have experienced the same thing.

My thoughts are with your daughter and her father's family. May the memory of her father be a blessing for her and for all that knew and loved him. May they all come to a place of peace and acceptance in due time. 


Quoting GertieK:

One of the main things is gentle honesty.  Kids can understand and deal with more than most folks give them credit for.  Encourage him to spend time with her, and to maybe be writing letters for her to have in the future - like when she graduates from high school/college, or gets married, or has her first baby.  Encourage him to talk to her about what is going on.  Make sure she knows that it isn't her fault - and that his love will never die.  When he does pass, don't discourage her from talking about him.  Continue to tell stories about him, especially ones about her and him.  Take lots of pictures, especially of them together.  She is going to be sad and confused regardless of what you say or do, but if you think ahead to the future and can give her concrete proof that he loved her that she can see and hold in her hand when she needs to, she will end up with a much better memory of him and what happened.  While dealing with death at the time it happens is difficult, and is what so many people tend to focus on, even adults have a hard time being prepared - and they understand what is going on...understand the concept of "death".  Let her see you be sad, but strong.  It is how she deals with the loss as she grows up that will have the most impact on her life.



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