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So, apparently the only job I'm allowed to have is house/ baby slave

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Today is dh's pay day and that means tonight is the night when dh drags us shopping so he can spend HIS money. He does give me a total of 200 per month, and I get 400 from c.s. for the older two, but dh expects me to pay the electric and water bill, which tends to run anywhere from 250- 300 per month. Plus I'm expected to pay all Jennie expenses, such as my two RX's, any Dr or dentist bills, nursing pads, gas, etc..., so if I so much as buy a latte I've pretty much blown my disposable income for the week. I'm not trying to say I have it rough. I know many here can't even buy groceries, and I spent years in that scenario myself., but I'm trying to illustrate why it would be good to.make some income. Plus, if I'm in need of medical or dental care I'm out of luck. I've had a broken tooth for MONTHS and dh has been saying he won't give me any money to fix it till the tax refund comes, and it hasn't yet. I was sick for two months and couldn't afford to go to a Dr. I was so worried it was developing into pneumonia and I was going to die. Meanwhile, dh bought a 50 inch flat screen to play his PlayStation on in the bedroom.

I was trying to get work as a sitter in my home, because I've just never found a job that paid enough to make child care expenses worth it, but no luck with that so far. Well, tonight, when the others went into Game Stop, I went next door to browse at Sally's Beauty supply. As I walked in I saw they had a help wanted sign. I asked what the pay is and she says it can be anywhere from min wage, if you have no experience, to 25$ per hour if you have cosmetology or retail experience. I told her I have both. :-) Also, I've been putting out feelers for a reasonably priced sitter for my baby in case I did find a good out of house job opportunity, and I found onee who will work for 8$ per hr. If they offer me the 25$ per he I can totally make that work! The manager said the few applicants she's seen so far have been awful, and seemed very eager for me to apply. They were out of applications but she gold me I could go to their website and price t one out and bring it by.

 I was excited and I told dh all about it, and he said no way! Before the baby was born, he was INSISTING that I was going to work o:utside the home and, pull my own weight, but once he saw how stressful taking care of Karen is, and how pricey child care is, he changed his tune real quick! The whole reason he said no is because they need someone to work evenings, which is when HE'S home, which is actually ideal because that would further cut down child care expenses, BUT he doesn't like actually taking care of his OWN daughter. It was HIS idea to have a baby y in the first place, but he just likes to play with her for two minutes and hand her back, especially if she's fussy, which she often is. I can't even take a bath or wash the dishes without him griping at me to drop what I'm doing and come get the baby out of his hair. In fact, I was VERY sick with food poisoning once, and even when I was in the bathroom puking, he was standing outside the bathroom door griping at me to get out there and watch the baby so he could get back to the Playstation.

 

His excuse is he works hard and his job is stressful and he deserves to relax when he's home. I ask when I'm supposed to relax, and he states that I sit around bf'ing the baby and reading and that is relaxing. He loves to use the bf'ing thing against me because it's something he can't do. He gripes about the house being messy and laundry not being done, but he won't watch the baby so I can do it, and she's the most high maintenance baby I've ever known, and it's usually impossible to get much done when I'm trying to take care of her. Anyway, sorry about the tangent.

So, I told him he's not a dictator and I'm not a slave, so he can't tell me what I can and can not do, and also that he needs to spend more time with the baby anyway. He just continues to insist that he's not going to allow me to do this, as if he has that kind of power over me. He says if I do it, he'll just bring the baby to my parents next door, who also work during the day, once he gets home. I'm sure they'd love to have to watch the baby for hours while he sits at home playing video games. I should also mention the job is only 3- 4 days per week. 15- 20 hours. OK, sorry for the long vent. I feel better now, but I'm going to apply, and if they offer more than 20$ per hr I'm taking it. He doesn't own me and he needs to start having to do more to help with child care anyway.

by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 12:43 AM
Replies (31-40):
Vcoskey
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 8:49 PM
1 mom liked this
As someone who had to save and plan a year in advance to leave the abusive ex-husband - TAKE THE JOB. If he takes the kids to your parents, eff it - at least you'll know they are being cared for.

I won't give you any relationship advice because I never ever listened when it was offered to me. But I will tell you - don't cave! You can't (financially) afford to - but emotionally and psychologically you can't afford to let someone treat you like that either. It's taken me 6+ years to emotionally recover...and I'm still working on it. Decide what you want, what you are worth, what you will take and what you won't - and GO DO IT!
Things took on a whole different perspective for me when I started thinking "what if my daughter were in this exact position - what would I tell her?" Children learn behaviors and levels of acceptability from watching you, momma. If it wouldn't be good enough for HER, then it damn sure isn't good enough for YOU! Xo
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Eve-marie
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 11:03 AM

You go, girl! I'm telling you, that job sounds a godsend, will make your life your own. You be your own person. It's inconsiderate how he treats you. I'm applauding your stand, good luck in your new job!

GertieK
by Silver Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 11:35 AM

Take the job.  If he does take the kids next door, fine.  Stash away as much as you can, formulize a plan, and then get it done.  he sounds really immature and just plain old mean.  You and your baby deserve to be cherished.  Yes, he needs to spend more time with his baby.  She is 1/2 his, and that is just the way it is.  If she is high maintenance, you might want to do some research on how to help her learn how to be happier with less maintenance.  Babies can learn more than people give them credit for.  It would be good for both of you.  Having a stash of cash somewhere will actually give you a sense of control, knowing that if you need to get out on quick notice, thatyou will have the means to do so - and with him unaware of it, he will be taken by surprise.  He apparently doesn't think you are capable, and that idea gives him a sense of power.  I never like to see a marraige break up, but sometimes it just has to happen... mainly when one side refuses to see what they have, and value it appropriately.  He will know what he has now when he no longer has it!  Some people refuse to appreciate what they have been blessed with until it is gone.  Be prepared for that too, because he will probably put on a good show to get you back.  If it was me, it would take a lot for him to prove himself worthy of our return.


rbailey2414
by Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 11:38 AM
That sounds horrible! Eff him!
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LizzieAnnesMom
by Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 11:42 AM
Warn your parents of the plan and make sure they tell him no.
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may8675309
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 11:58 AM
How old are the two of you just out of curiousity? You seem to be level headed and he seems to be increadibly immature. Besides being abusive and cruel. Take it from someone who was in the exact same situation and get out while you can.
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Proud-mama-05
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 11:58 AM
Tell him if he doesn't want you to work stop being such a dick over money. You're in a committed relationship raising a family together there is no "his money" IMO. My dh has been the sole provider since I was 6 months pregnant with our 1st child....so almost 8 1/2 yrs now. He would NEVER behave the way your dh does. We have a PARTNERSHIP based on love and respect and he has never tried to tell me what I can and cannot do. He makes the money but I'm the one with the greatest control over it. I put it where it needs to go then let him know what's left over for everything else (food, clothes, household goods, etc). And what kind of husband would let his wife's health suffer like that! Pure selfishness. You deserve better, demand better for yourself and your child
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Marketingmom602
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 1:30 PM

You need to take a good hard look at your life how he treats you and how you treat yourself. It's obvious you feel a need to gain independents and self clarity and he doesn't seem to happy himself if he's bossing you around. I wish you all the best. Try to remember life is forever changing and you both need to except the changes you go through and support and encourage each other. Maybe you can start by bringing that into light, instead of focusing on money cause money always makes couples fight. Bring forward points on how you have supported an encouraged him now its time for him to do the same for you.

 

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dusty_707
by Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 1:36 PM

 you are a stronger women than me bc frankly two of the scenarios you posted about  i would have went ballistic on his ass. like the being sick for 2 months  and having a broken tooth and him buying a tv, i would have told him you either take that tv back right now and take me to the dr's or when you leave that tv is going to have a baseball bat thru it and all your games are going to be entered into a game i like to call ultimate  frisbee. and the one where you were throwing up i would have seriously punched him in his face and then called the cops to tell them i did and why.lol..

so glad my husband isnt like that at all.. we have a partnership all the way. im a sahm but i dont get an allowance. his money is our money. we share everything. he is amazing. we have a 2 year old and im pregnant with our second and have had a hard time this pregnancy and he comes home from his long  hard in a factory and takes care of me if i need it and our son.

good luck with getting the job.. im happy for you for taking a stand. .. good luck and sending many hugs

kaitybird
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 3:06 PM

Wow, you 2 either need to get in to counseling or you need to get you and your kids out of that home.  Your husband needs a swift kick in his rear end.  I don't get some men or women for that matter.  I understand all too well that the abuse cycle is VERY hard to break.  You and more importantley your kids deserve way  better then what you are giving them!  

I hope that things work out for you.  You deserve much better than a man treating you this way and so do the kids.  

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