Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

HELP NEED ADVICE *** UPDATE****

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

I have a daughter that is 16 my husband has been raising her since she has been 6 months old and has been a good dad to her  She does not know that he is not her real father  her real father does not have anything to do with any of his children . Should we tell her ? How do we tell her ? I am thinking after senior year after graduation any thoughts .   **** So we  decided to tell her due to all the crap that people have said to me on cafemom we figured shoot with scholership applications coming soon why wait to tell her ******  her response was what i thought she would say she said mom my dad is my dad that has raised me for the last 16 years not my sperm doner  and after telling her all the facts she said thank you for not telling me any sooner .Thank God she understood why i choose a happy childhood  for her verses a crappy childhood filled with drama for her. So for all you moms that told me a drama filled childhood was better than keeping  the truth from her you were wrong children want happy childhoods,love, respect , from us not the feeling of not being wanted or being forgotten on their bdays ,xmas.and every oither holiday were we as moms are making up excuses why dad hasnt called ;[  if they dont know the drama their hearts dont get  hurt just a thought  ;]

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 6, 2013 at 2:45 PM
Replies (11-20):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:06 AM

Her real father is a loser he does not want any contact with any of his children and never has when we broke up he got 3 oither girls knocked up 2 months after we broke up - I would keep it  a secret forever if i could but i have family that will tell her as soon as she graduates i would bet my life on it . My husband and I will tell her after graduation as a family. I didnt tell her because i wanted her to have a normal ,loving childhood not one that included a man that threw her to the side . My husband has loved her and took care of her in every way a dad would and i would take that over a loser any day I will take that over a sperm doner and a name on a peice of paper any day !!!!

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:20 AM

Would your real dad been a good dad ??? MY daughters dad would of not wanted any thing to do with her he really would  of just made her sad and hurt. I spoke to one of the oither  moms and said his only son called him for the first time hes 16 also and the jerk pretended he couldnt hear him and hung up on him i couldnt imagine my kid being hurt like that . We will tell her very soon as soon as she graduates so she can decide what she wants to do we choose a loving childhood verses a dickhead avoiding her calls and etc I dont understand everyones like you should of told her why so she would be hurt ? Shes been raised to be loved and she doesnt know any thing else why trade love for being kicked to the curb doesnt make sense to me !!! Maybe im a bitch but i wouldnt trade a day of not telling her sometimes the truth isnt always right . I hear some of these moms on cafemom and its all about drama i didnt want that for my kid i wanted her to be a normal kid no fighting when it came to that kind of garbage  !!!

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:32 AM

A whole lie ????  I WOULD CHOOSE A LOVING HOUSEHOLD FOR MY DAUGHTER VERSES TELLING HER  WHO HER REAL DAD IS TO JUST MAKE ME FEEL BETTER THIS MAN WOULD OF NOT HAD ANY THING TO DO WITH HER EVER .MY HUSBAND HAS LOVED HER LIKE HIS OWN . I WILL TAKE THAT OVER TELLING HER SHE HAS A SPERM DONER ANY DAY !!! WHY HAVE HER HURT IF I DONT HAVE TOO I DIDNT WANT DRAMA FOR MY KID SOME WOMEN LOVE PROBLEMS A FATHER IS SOMEONE THAT PROVIDES,LOVES, AND THATS THEIR FOR THERE KIDS THATS WHAT A FATHER IS NOT A SPERM DONER !!!! WE WILL TELL HER AFTER SHE GRADUATES THAN SHE CAN CONTACT HIM FOR HIM TO TELL HER TO GO AWAY I GEUSS THATS WHAT WOULD MAKE THESE WOMEN HAPPY SO STUPID !!!! I DONT REGRET TELLING HER I ONLY REGRET I DO HAVE TO TELL HER I WISH I COULD SAVE THE PAIN THATS GOING TO BE COMING HER WAY VERY SOON !!!!

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:39 AM

We have always planned on telling her but not until she graduated senior year her dad will not have any thing to do with her he has not had any contact ever with any of his oither children . Yes she does have 2 oither sisters and a brother and i do think she will want to meet them the oither ladies have never had there children meet each oither yet and my daughter is the oldest he has 3 daughter the age of 16 and a son thats 16 he was busy after we broke up !!! I DID NOT TELL HER TO BE A BITCH I DIDNT TELL HER BECAUSE I WANTED TO SAVE HER FROM ALL THE PAIN !!!

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 8, 2013 at 5:27 AM



Quoting Anonymous:

Would your real dad been a good dad ??? MY daughters dad would of not wanted any thing to do with her he really would  of just made her sad and hurt. I spoke to one of the oither  moms and said his only son called him for the first time hes 16 also and the jerk pretended he couldnt hear him and hung up on him i couldnt imagine my kid being hurt like that . We will tell her very soon as soon as she graduates so she can decide what she wants to do we choose a loving childhood verses a dickhead avoiding her calls and etc I dont understand everyones like you should of told her why so she would be hurt ? Shes been raised to be loved and she doesnt know any thing else why trade love for being kicked to the curb doesnt make sense to me !!! Maybe im a bitch but i wouldnt trade a day of not telling her sometimes the truth isnt always right . I hear some of these moms on cafemom and its all about drama i didnt want that for my kid i wanted her to be a normal kid no fighting when it came to that kind of garbage  !!!


She will be hurt because you spent 18 YEARS lying to her. TELLING her the truth early on wouldn't have subjected her to ANY different kind of life.

NOW you will tell her-hey we lied to you all this time. Your Father didn't want you.

Far better off to start as a very young child and tell her that her Bio  Dad wasn't ready to be a Father, and her Daddy was and very much wanted her to be his daughter (has he actually adopted her?)  As she grew older she might have figured out her Bio Dad was an asshole. But now that she IS older you are going to tell her she wasn't wanted by her POS Bio Dad? Really?  

AND you will tell her you kept this from her, she has half siblings and her ENTIRE life was a lie...really? And you are arguing this was the best thing?  This has been extensively studied for DECADES, which is why NOW every single mental health professional in the country would tell you you screwed up and that early disclosure is the best way to go.

In fact, I am not sure if you can afford it, but BEFORE you do this awful thing to your child, I would STRONGLY suggest you see a mental health professional and ASK them what is the best way to go about it.  There is no easy way to tell the kid who trusted you that you spent 18 YEARS lying to her, and keeping some pretty important knowledge from her.

greycrittermom
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 8:38 AM
Teen years are a difficult time. Maybe just have a casual conversation, feel her out about how she views the subject at this point in her life. Use a television show you are watching to start the conversation so it is just topical and not too deep until you get an idea how she is going to handle it.
Won't she start to question things when she sees her birth certificate when she applies for a driver's license or college?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
sununner36
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 8:57 AM

You are right. blood doesn't make a father. it would be good to tell her. also, making sure she knows that this man she has known as her father loves her very much and would never reject calling her his daughter.

Quoting Anonymous:

Ah ya i thought of it all of this doll  so dont get your panties in a bunch I looked at it as her real dad knew where i was and decided not to be a father my husband raised her like his own blood dont make a father a father becomes a dad with actions !!!!


Every Second of Every Day is a New Beginningpuppy

Bellmont
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 9:07 AM
1 mom liked this

I think that you are right. A father is a daddy. There when you need a hug, kiss, or just there. It is going to be hard on her to hear. So she will be upset at you no doubt, Good luck to you & yours. HUGS

 

hugs

greycrittermom
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:28 PM
Sperm donors are just that. There are some males out there that think it is their job to repopulate the world but that is it. Just the sex part.
High fives to your husband for taking on the responsibility with what sounds like love and pride.
Keep it up!
Don't let these other moms get you down honey. You know what is best for your family. Something to consider is she is old enough to find out on her own though.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 8, 2013 at 1:59 PM

We plan on telling her after she graduates which will be in 2 years at that time i cant trust family not to tell her . Her real dad wont have any thing to do with her he has not had any contact with his oither 3 children ever he got 3 girls pregant after we broke up. She will get hurt but what choice do i have i have to tell her and she will see why we waited to tell her it wasnt to be spiteful i refused to have her feel unwanted or loved growing up as a kid when some one else wanted her so what  he didnt have the same dna as her dna dont make a father ;]   . Thank you

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)