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What would you do or say if you are feeling unwanted from your husband and he confirms "you are NOT wanted"?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 15 Replies
Here's a little background info: we dated for 7 years and have been we married now 7 years and are currently 6 months pregnant with our second child. So its been close to 15 years weve known each other. We were intimate for the first two years but both agreed to be abstinent from then on until we were married. So that'll be 5 years we stayed abstinent until we were on our honeymoon. Wedding night was just too exhausting : ) now the first two years of marriage were good because we were enjoying ourselves then the mechanical feeling of sex began since we were trying to get pregnant with our first. Understandable, it takes the fun out of it.well we ended up going to the fertility doctor and got pregnant buy IUI ( intra uterine insemination). After a year our first was born I started to feel better about myself and wanted sex. Hubby wasn't having it. He feels uncomfortable because its not at easy for him to get it up anymore. Totally understandable. He tried a few different pills the docter gave him and he said didn't work. Ok. So up to this point last time we had sex was 1 yr and 1/2 ago. When we were initially trying fir baby # 1. Ok we're new parents, were trying to get into a groove, work may be stressful. Understandable if he's not up to it. I was ok then. Well, fast forward 4 years and still no intimacy with hubby. We did IVF for baby # 2 because he said why should we try having sex if we know its not going to work. In my head I'm thinking, to have a better bond with you, to get that reconnected feeling and just to enjoy each other on an intimate level. To me, I feel unwanted and not a woman. I wanted to at least try to feel better about myself that at least I tried to conceive and not just automatically go to the drs for help. I did tell this to him and he agreed but nothing happened physically. So to recap, it's been 5 years since we were last intimate. To be honest I have noticed sex it needed at some point during a relationship. You need that physical intimacy to just reconnect from the everyday stresses of work and daily life. Now this pregnancy has me having tons of sex dreams and I want to fulfill them. I've talked to him about my dreams and throws off the topic; I've got to get up early, I have a headache. Literally, at that second I felt like a guy wanting to have sex all the time. So last week I asked him why aren't we intimate at all? He says, " do i need to remind you it just doesn't work". I replied do you understand i feel unwanted. he quickly replied, "You are NOT wanted". i stopped talking and cried. my 3 year old sees me and says " mommy dont be sad, be happy". My heart melts. I am sympathetic and totally understand the uncomfortableness on his end but how so we handle this one???
I'm sorry for the long explanation : (

EDIT:

Just to add, we're still in our 30s but he's 5 1/2 yrs older than me. I didn't think the age gap made a difference but maybe since he's creeping up to the big 40 its affecting him more? To be honest, marriage sometimes takes work and when one of us is down the other is usually there to pick you right up. He's not this horrible person because we still hang out when we can and watch our tv shows we've DVRd, he's a great cook and likes to cook for me, although he leaves a huge mess but i cant complain because the food is so good. Everywhere else is fine it's just this particular area of our lives. Maybe this is just him and he's comfortable.
Posted by Anonymous on May. 12, 2013 at 8:22 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on May. 12, 2013 at 8:26 AM
Wow, why are you with him, and most of all, pregnant again???
GOBryan
by on May. 12, 2013 at 8:28 AM

It just sounds like he doesn't like sex so you can live that way or choose to walk away. You can't make someone want it if he doesn't. 

marchantmom06
by Bronze Member on May. 12, 2013 at 8:41 AM
Is he physical with you at all? Kissed, hand holding, back rubs, you know there are about 100 ways to please a woman that doesn't involve a penis. If he outright refused to do anything sexual with you I would find a lawyer. Although I'm surprised a doctor did IFV without you even attempting to have a child. How old are you? Him?
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EireLass
by Ruby Member on May. 12, 2013 at 10:32 AM

Divorce.

cjennifer81
by on May. 12, 2013 at 10:38 AM

 he's cheating on you most likely- been there done that.  even men with erectial dysfunction get it up at least sometimes.

Lili0509
by on May. 12, 2013 at 2:04 PM

 Either something going on, cheating, depression, something else on his behalf or he's just not in love anymore & hasn't told you, either way I know its difficult for you...I would try counseling and if it doesn't help, maybe help from a preacher/priest...my point, try to do all you can to save your marriage, you're gonna have two babies with him and if he's a good father then really try to save your marriage, too many people are quick to give up, marriage is not something you should give up on so quickly, and its not that you're dumb for staying around, its that you're an adult and put your family first.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 12, 2013 at 6:14 PM
He kisses good morning and gives hugs. As well is a fabulous father. I couldn't ask for a better dad. It's just the physical intimacy part that he doesn't want anything to do with.
kailu1835
by Bronze Member on May. 12, 2013 at 6:16 PM
Grab my car keys and drive to the courthouse to file for divorce.
Saharra
by Member on May. 13, 2013 at 7:07 AM
Sounds to me like it something more physical then a dislike for you. I think I'd pin it on him. "Is it ME you don't want or is it sex in general?" Then take his answer and deal with it. If he says sex in general, suggest a doc visit to find out why. Explain that you don't have an issue like that and you need it.
If its something where he says its you, then you will have to decide what actions to take. Explain to him the meaning of marriage.
Either way, you could have some fun with this. Go out and buy some sexy lingure, (ok, I really don't know how to spell that, but you know what I mean!) send the kids to grandmas. Come home, make his favorite meal, set music and candles. It may take some work, but I bet with the right thing, you can bring him around :)
MINDERS2
by on May. 13, 2013 at 8:15 AM
My husband is the same way. Except I haven't had the nerve to say he needs to see a dr. It's been almost a year. It's hard. I feel for you. Hope things get better.
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