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How much freedom is too much?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 26 Replies
Hi I've been married for almost a year and I must say it hasn't been easy.

In the beginning of our marriage, my husband would spend the majority of his spare time playing video games online with his friends. I had to tell him we needed more family time because I did begin to feel us growing distant. each day after work he would turn on his Xbox and spend hours playing. I admit he would help out with our daughter if she cried but as for me, I was someone he began paying less attention to. We finally got it worked out that in addition to family nights, we also needed date nights.

Our marriage improved until recently when my husband got his new job and started going out with his coworkers. He said his employer encouraged them to get to know each other. Which I didn't have a problem with.

He first began bowling after work with them and then that progressed to going out to the bars with them. One particular time he stayed out until 3 am with a coworker named Ben, who is single and who I feel doesn't respect the fact that my husband is married. I found messages between him and my husband talking about 3somes. That was a bad time. My husband and I got into an ugly argument because he came home drunk at 3 am after he asked if he could go out and get a couple drinks.

My husband had stopped going out drinking until this past Friday, which happened to be my graduation. He asked me if he could hang out with Rory, a friend who also has a child and who he went to high school with. I told him he could hang out for a few hours and then my husband came home by 1 am. I wasn't too upset but annoyed because my husband told me he was only going to play pool with Rory but the next day some coworkers had tagged him in a Facebook status claiming they were so drunk they didn't remember a thing. I had fallen asleep early on Friday because I had to be up early with our daughter on Saturday morning to visit my brother in prison. So I didn't know what condition my husband came home in.

Since Friday, he hung out late Monday claiming he had to go to his mom's to pick up a late Mother's Day gift for me as well as go to a store and pick up another gift for me. I asked him while he was out if he could pick up formula for the baby. He came home empty handed, no gifts or formula. He was out of work by 9pm and didn't get home til 1 am.

Yesterday he tried to ask if he could hang out with his friend, Matt, who he hadn't seen since last year. He claimed Matt got a new house and invited people over. I told my husband I felt uncomfortable with him going out so much. My husband said that because Matt lived so far that my husband wouldn't be home until 2 or 3 am. I was not happy at all and told him I didn't like the idea. When my husband came home from work yesterday he would not talk to me and only kissed our daughter. Then he told me I wasn't his mother and that we had agreed on telling each other where we'd be going and with who, so he therefore said I had no right to tell him he couldn't go. He kept saying all he has been doing is working and coming home, and I admit I can't argue with that because my husband has been putting in a lot of overtime at work. So I gave in and he went, but not after an argument. He came home by 1 am instead of 3 am like he had first asked for.

My husband does ask if he can go out. But obviously isn't happy if I say I'm not comfortable with it. I told him I didn't want him being out late to become a habit. I do not want to be that woman stuck at home with their kid while her husband gets to be out late and enjoy himself. I admit his behavior has been strange with going out it's out of his usual routine. But I also understand that he needs his own time too. Cheating did cross my mind but. My Husband always tells me who he's with and where he will be. So he's been honest...

How much freedom is too much? Do you feel like my husband takes advantage of it?

As for me and going out, I was out Saturday because my cousin had treated me to drinks but I was home by midnight. Other than that, I hadn't been out in months.
Posted by Anonymous on May. 15, 2013 at 10:29 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on May. 15, 2013 at 10:32 AM
That feels like way too much. Idk, my husband goes to work and comes home. He rarely goes out alone. We always go out together.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 15, 2013 at 10:40 AM
Going out has become a new thing for my husband because before it was mostly him playing video games and us hanging out. I agree. He's been out Saturday, Monday, and Tuesday. But he gets upset if I try to place limits. I'm in the process of trying to balance his freedom in our marriage as well as the time we spend together.

Quoting Anonymous:

That feels like way too much. Idk, my husband goes to work and comes home. He rarely goes out alone. We always go out together.
MidwestMama55
by on May. 15, 2013 at 10:44 AM

Your husband sounds like a child, sorry. A grown man should not behave like that. Video games? Really? We have three kids, and my husband is too busy with all of us at home to go out. We go out with friends maybe once a month. Together. He has a guys night about twice a year.  About the same for me and girls night.  We do things as a family. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 15, 2013 at 10:51 AM
He can be childish at times like last night. My husband says he needs his personal time too. And that is our issue. I go out less than him and I told him I'm not going to be that stereotypical woman who is alone at home while her husband is out late all the time.
He tells me he doesn't neglect his priorities as a father or a husband because he does work hard to support us. But I feel when I give him freedom to go out, he takes advantage of it. I told him there will be problems if he doesn't spend more time with my daughter and I

Quoting MidwestMama55:

Your husband sounds like a child, sorry. A grown man should not behave like that. Video games? Really? We have three kids, and my husband is too busy with all of us at home to go out. We go out with friends maybe once a month. Together. He has a guys night about twice a year.  About the same for me and girls night.  We do things as a family. 

MidwestMama55
by on May. 15, 2013 at 10:57 AM

I'm typically not a believer in divorce, but it sounds like your guy has alot of growing up to do. If my husband told me he needed his "personal time", I think i'd be headed for a lawyer to make sure he'd be having as much personal time as he wanted.  You and your daughter ARE his personal time now. 

Quoting Anonymous:

He can be childish at times like last night. My husband says he needs his personal time too. And that is our issue. I go out less than him and I told him I'm not going to be that stereotypical woman who is alone at home while her husband is out late all the time.
He tells me he doesn't neglect his priorities as a father or a husband because he does work hard to support us. But I feel when I give him freedom to go out, he takes advantage of it. I told him there will be problems if he doesn't spend more time with my daughter and I

Quoting MidwestMama55:

Your husband sounds like a child, sorry. A grown man should not behave like that. Video games? Really? We have three kids, and my husband is too busy with all of us at home to go out. We go out with friends maybe once a month. Together. He has a guys night about twice a year.  About the same for me and girls night.  We do things as a family. 



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 15, 2013 at 11:02 AM
I have thought of marriage counseling because I know my husband tries to balance having a social life in addition to being a father and husband and this is where we've had a lot of arguments recently stem from. I told him he can't live like he's single anymore. But I can't force him to be at home with my daughter and I... I am only human and have urges to go out sometimes too. But when I do, I stick to the time I say I'll be home and stick to only a few drinks like I said. I just wish he could do the same

Quoting MidwestMama55:

I'm typically not a believer in divorce, but it sounds like your guy has alot of growing up to do. If my husband told me he needed his "personal time", I think i'd be headed for a lawyer to make sure he'd be having as much personal time as he wanted.  You and your daughter ARE his personal time now. 


Quoting Anonymous:

He can be childish at times like last night. My husband says he needs his personal time too. And that is our issue. I go out less than him and I told him I'm not going to be that stereotypical woman who is alone at home while her husband is out late all the time.

He tells me he doesn't neglect his priorities as a father or a husband because he does work hard to support us. But I feel when I give him freedom to go out, he takes advantage of it. I told him there will be problems if he doesn't spend more time with my daughter and I



Quoting MidwestMama55:

Your husband sounds like a child, sorry. A grown man should not behave like that. Video games? Really? We have three kids, and my husband is too busy with all of us at home to go out. We go out with friends maybe once a month. Together. He has a guys night about twice a year.  About the same for me and girls night.  We do things as a family. 




dtm1491
by on May. 15, 2013 at 11:05 AM
1 mom liked this

Like I tell my sometimes ass of a bf * if you want to be in a committed relationship then act like it*

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 15, 2013 at 11:07 AM
Amen. That's all I'm asking for

Quoting dtm1491:

Like I tell my sometimes ass of a bf * if you want to be in a committed relationship then act like it*

dtm1491
by on May. 15, 2013 at 11:12 AM

Yup. They want the best of both worlds sometimes. It's ok to have a life but home comes first. Friendships outside of the home are not a priority.


Quoting Anonymous:

Amen. That's all I'm asking for

Quoting dtm1491:

Like I tell my sometimes ass of a bf * if you want to be in a committed relationship then act like it*



Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on May. 15, 2013 at 11:18 AM
1 mom liked this
Was he like this before? Why did you marry him if he was? They don't change.
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