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I must be a horrible mother for keeping track of my children!!! ETA

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

I went to the pool with my 2 and 4 year old by myself for the first time.  A little bit about them - They dont listen ever,  I hate going anywhere by myself with them because it ends up being stressful and not fun.  My 4 year old likes to take off and go wherever she wants regardless of what you say and if you try to explain she screams.  (I do discipline for this - time outs taking toys away, and yes spanking  etc.  I keep doing it even though it doesn't work). 

Well, we were leaving the pool and I called out to my 4 year old several times before she got out of the pool, in the locker room I had to say her name several time and loudly because sometimes she is like a wall and ignores me completely.  I called out one time loudly because I couldn't see her (like I said she likes to take off and keep in mind I have a 2 year old with me as well)  She finally ansered me and I told her to come back to me and STAY BY ME in a FIRM voice (I didn't consider it yelling).  Also, my children are loud anyway, we used to live in them iddle of nowhere with no neighbors so loudness didn't matter at least at home. 

This lady was walking out, and she looks at me and says "that is way too much yelling, really, there are other people here"  OK, so I must be a horrible mother because I am calling out to my kids to make sure they are near!!!  REALLY!!  I am so confused as to why she thought too much yelling, me disciplining to keep my 4 year old near me or my kids yelling because they are having fun?  Which one?  I am still confused and just REALLY need to vent. 

What is your take?

ETA - I am getting a lot of responses about not yelling.  As I said above.  I was CALLING out to my 4 year old and I used a FIRM  voice.  I was NOT yelliing, hence why I am confused.  Yelling to me is with anger and screaming so loud you lose your voice.  That is yelling.  I had no anger and I was being very FIRM in what I expected of her. 

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 18, 2013 at 8:27 AM
Replies (11-20):
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jul. 18, 2013 at 9:09 AM
1 mom liked this

The expectations and consequences need to be CLEAR and CONSISTENT.  Since negative reinforcement is not working, at your daughter's age why don't you try positive!?  Start small with, if you do this, this , and this,then you will receive a sticker on your chart. Let her know that 10 stickers equals something she likes (be specific).  As you continue then you can lengthen the time and expectations, but it HAS to be consistent.


Quoting Anonymous:

 Can you give me another method besides time outs, taking toys away, and spanking?  I have tried EVERYTHING.  She hs always been like this since she could walk amd consistently disciplined.  I wanted a backpack leash (even though I hate them) when she was littler, but DH wouldn't let me. 

Seriously - what is left? If you can give me any other option PLEASE tell me. 


Quoting Anonymous:


If you are attracting comments from other adults, then it's too loud/harsh.  The bottom line is, your methods are NOT working and I am sorry, but a four year old should not need to be reminded to stay close.  You seriously need to re-evaluate your methods.

Quoting Anonymous:

 I wasn't yelling.  I was CALLING out to my 4 year old and I used a FIRM voice to keep her near.  That is NOT yelling to me.  Am I supposed to leave my 2 year old to whisper out to my 4 year old?  Am I supposed to say in a whispering sweet voice (which doesn't work, hence why it was firm as this was the who knows how many times I have told her to stay with me in that sweet whispering voice)  to stay next to me?  She ignores it - trust me I use that voice first, then time out for not listening, then that voice again, then time out, over and over until the at least the 10th time then it gets FIRMER - not yelling. 


Quoting Anonymous:

It's apparent by what you wrote and what the lady said to you that your parenting techniques are NOT working.  You need to re-evaluate your methods.  Maybe take a parenting class, but your kids should not be acting out at that age and you shouldn't be yelling.









Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jul. 18, 2013 at 12:25 PM
5 moms liked this

 Well if he "wouldn't let you" then he NEEDS to go with you and help you!!! Screw him, buy one and he will learn to deal with it! I would tell your 4 yr old that you are going to the pool, she is to stay with you and ASK before she takes off. If she doesn't listen you will give her 3 chances (1-2-3 magic) and then you will leave plain and simple as that. I have 3 kids under 6 and this always works for us.

Quoting Anonymous:

 Can you give me another method besides time outs, taking toys away, and spanking?  I have tried EVERYTHING.  She hs always been like this since she could walk amd consistently disciplined.  I wanted a backpack leash (even though I hate them) when she was littler, but DH wouldn't let me

Seriously - what is left? If you can give me any other option PLEASE tell me. 

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jul. 18, 2013 at 1:41 PM
13 moms liked this

That woman must not have any children of her own or has forgotten what it is like to have small children.You're doing the best you can and that's all anyone can ask for.Maybe try to find a cheap double stroller or even a single stroller and make the 4yo ride in it until she can "learn to listen like a big girl".

brooke_819
by Member on Jul. 18, 2013 at 2:38 PM
7 moms liked this

IMO you aren't wrong. yes , maybe you do know your children aren't the best listeners but to me you were not rewarding bad behavior you were just trying to do something fun with your children! what would be wrong with that? i'm sure any parent with a 2 & 4 year old would have a hard time keeping them both close & making sure they are being good & listening .. i think that would be difficult for any mother at those ages. it would be one thing if you went into the locker room screaming at your daughter but when she is out of sight what mother wouldn't raise their voice to them? not only to make sure they can hear you but to be sure they didn't run out! i would be panicking big time , 4 years old isn't a baby but she is still only a toddler. & you just can not trust people these days who knows what could happen even if she is only out of your sight for a couple seconds. the way you discipline is your business & I think that woman was definitely in the wrong for saying anything to you about it. telling her to stay close in a firm voice is not wrong IMO. you were at a pool - last i knew people yell a lot at pools. & some families are louder then others , seems to me if that woman was so bothered by it then she should think twice before going to a public place like that. 

psychomama05
by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 3:25 PM
4 moms liked this

Pools are noisy places, lady needs to chill and mind her own business.  When my kids were young and prone to wander, I would explain the rules to them before I let them out of the car, if they broke the rules we left immediately and all the fun was over.  Then I actually followed through when they broke the rules.  I have left a buggy full of groceries in the middle of an store aisle, to take a misbehaving preschooler home.  I have also put everyone back in the car and gone home just minutes after everyone exited the car for a fun activity.  And in order to avoid meltdowns when the fun is over and we have to go I usually give my kids a 10 minute warning that we will be leaving.  They had no concept of time, but they at least knew what was coming and wouldn't be caught off guard.  And anyone who has a tantrum when it is time to leave will sit on the sidelines for the next fun activity.  They learned very quickly to toe the line if they wanted mommy to take them anywhere.  And since I have more than one kid, they reinforce good behavior with each other so everyone can have fun.

handy0318
by New Member on Jul. 18, 2013 at 3:40 PM
4 moms liked this

I agree with the others that are saying the woman probably doesn't have kids of her own, or else they're so much older now she's forgotten what it's like to have little ones.  

However, I also agree that it's clear that your discipline style isn't working for your four-year-old.  I'm not critising it as either good or bad... just that it's ineffective.

Often, when things don't work, we try harder.  Sometimes, it's more to the purpose of trying differently.

The positive reinforcement mentioned above is a good idea.  The idea of positive reinforcement tends to be confused with saying and doing good things rather than being punitive.  That's not really what positive reinforcement is. Positive reinforcement is anything that will increase a behavior.  Even yelling can be a positive reinforcement if the yelling is giving attention that the child wants. If Suzy want's mom's attention and so runs off so that mom will yell at her and call after her, mom has just positively reinforced the running off because it got Suzy the attention she was wanting. (Just saying this by way of example, not saying that's what you're doing.)

Positive reinforcement can be extremely helpful because it does increase the likelyhood that a behavior will be repeated. So, to implement it, you'll want to first find something that your daughter will really want. She's old enough to express her own likes and wants, so talk over with her what will be her reward for doing the right thing...

The "sticker on the chart" idea is a good one, but I would start off with an immdiate reward.  If your dd loves stickers, then giving her one every time she listens if fine.

But, if she's not all that into stickers (my dd could have cared less for stickers when she was little, my son liked them but not dd) then find something else.  A tic-tac or Smartie candy... whatever, something small but something that can be given immediately upon her listening to you. Make sure she understands the expectations, be specific... 

Since she has a tendency to take off, I would have her stand in front of you and have each of you stretch your hands out so that just your fingertips touch just the fingertips of the other... really streatch it, make a game to see how far your feet can be away from each other and still have your fingertips touch... Then, have that distance be the boarderline of how far she can be away from you without permission when you're on an outing. Then, start with something small, like a walk around your block, just you and her, (leave your 2 y/o with dad) and tell her that if she can walk from your house to the corner, (or the blue house, or the red car...whatever) and stay within "tippies" then she'll get a sticker or Smartie or tic-tac... When going to the store, break it down into small distances... from the car to the front door, down each aisle, through check out, from check out to the car...  If she doesn't stay in "tippie" distance for an increment, she doesn't get the reward, but assure her that she can try again and if she stays within tippie distance from the dairy aisle to frozen foods, then she can get one.

Make it easy, make it fun, and give her plenty of opportunities to get the rewards... If it doesn't work, then rethink what the reward is... it should be something she really wants, something that will motivate her to work for it.

My husband works with Austistic kids and kids with other developmental issues and this type of technique is really effective with kids even with those kinds of serious behavioral issues. It's worth trying! 






massconfusion14
by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 3:42 PM
3 moms liked this

I don't think it's out of line. I would have told the bitch to fuck off! (Pardon my language)

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 18, 2013 at 3:55 PM
1 mom liked this

 Thank you so much for your insight and ideas!!!  I really appreciate it.  I will definitely try these. 

And, I totally agree that my disciplinig isn't working, just didn't know what else to try.  Thank you so much. 


Quoting handy0318:

I agree with the others that are saying the woman probably doesn't have kids of her own, or else they're so much older now she's forgotten what it's like to have little ones.  

However, I also agree that it's clear that your discipline style isn't working for your four-year-old.  I'm not critising it as either good or bad... just that it's ineffective.

Often, when things don't work, we try harder.  Sometimes, it's more to the purpose of trying differently.

The positive reinforcement mentioned above is a good idea.  The idea of positive reinforcement tends to be confused with saying and doing good things rather than being punitive.  That's not really what positive reinforcement is. Positive reinforcement is anything that will increase a behavior.  Even yelling can be a positive reinforcement if the yelling is giving attention that the child wants. If Suzy want's mom's attention and so runs off so that mom will yell at her and call after her, mom has just positively reinforced the running off because it got Suzy the attention she was wanting. (Just saying this by way of example, not saying that's what you're doing.)

Positive reinforcement can be extremely helpful because it does increase the likelyhood that a behavior will be repeated. So, to implement it, you'll want to first find something that your daughter will really want. She's old enough to express her own likes and wants, so talk over with her what will be her reward for doing the right thing...

The "sticker on the chart" idea is a good one, but I would start off with an immdiate reward.  If your dd loves stickers, then giving her one every time she listens if fine.

But, if she's not all that into stickers (my dd could have cared less for stickers when she was little, my son liked them but not dd) then find something else.  A tic-tac or Smartie candy... whatever, something small but something that can be given immediately upon her listening to you. Make sure she understands the expectations, be specific... 

Since she has a tendency to take off, I would have her stand in front of you and have each of you stretch your hands out so that just your fingertips touch just the fingertips of the other... really streatch it, make a game to see how far your feet can be away from each other and still have your fingertips touch... Then, have that distance be the boarderline of how far she can be away from you without permission when you're on an outing. Then, start with something small, like a walk around your block, just you and her, (leave your 2 y/o with dad) and tell her that if she can walk from your house to the corner, (or the blue house, or the red car...whatever) and stay within "tippies" then she'll get a sticker or Smartie or tic-tac... When going to the store, break it down into small distances... from the car to the front door, down each aisle, through check out, from check out to the car...  If she doesn't stay in "tippie" distance for an increment, she doesn't get the reward, but assure her that she can try again and if she stays within tippie distance from the dairy aisle to frozen foods, then she can get one.

Make it easy, make it fun, and give her plenty of opportunities to get the rewards... If it doesn't work, then rethink what the reward is... it should be something she really wants, something that will motivate her to work for it.

My husband works with Austistic kids and kids with other developmental issues and this type of technique is really effective with kids even with those kinds of serious behavioral issues. It's worth trying! 

 

 

 

 

 


 

godsgirl26
by ♥ char ♥ on Jul. 18, 2013 at 4:08 PM
2 moms liked this
I must yell to much also.. I sure do yell for my kids. I don't care what other moms have to say about it.
I would have told that lady to mind her bizwax.
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jul. 18, 2013 at 4:10 PM

When a parents says that they've tried everything for discipline, that's a red flag for me. It usually means that the technique was improperly used and/or they didn't give it a fair chance before moving on to the next and the next. Nothing will ever work if there is no consistency. You have to follow through every single time.

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