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I must be a horrible mother for keeping track of my children!!! ETA

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

I went to the pool with my 2 and 4 year old by myself for the first time.  A little bit about them - They dont listen ever,  I hate going anywhere by myself with them because it ends up being stressful and not fun.  My 4 year old likes to take off and go wherever she wants regardless of what you say and if you try to explain she screams.  (I do discipline for this - time outs taking toys away, and yes spanking  etc.  I keep doing it even though it doesn't work). 

Well, we were leaving the pool and I called out to my 4 year old several times before she got out of the pool, in the locker room I had to say her name several time and loudly because sometimes she is like a wall and ignores me completely.  I called out one time loudly because I couldn't see her (like I said she likes to take off and keep in mind I have a 2 year old with me as well)  She finally ansered me and I told her to come back to me and STAY BY ME in a FIRM voice (I didn't consider it yelling).  Also, my children are loud anyway, we used to live in them iddle of nowhere with no neighbors so loudness didn't matter at least at home. 

This lady was walking out, and she looks at me and says "that is way too much yelling, really, there are other people here"  OK, so I must be a horrible mother because I am calling out to my kids to make sure they are near!!!  REALLY!!  I am so confused as to why she thought too much yelling, me disciplining to keep my 4 year old near me or my kids yelling because they are having fun?  Which one?  I am still confused and just REALLY need to vent. 

What is your take?

ETA - I am getting a lot of responses about not yelling.  As I said above.  I was CALLING out to my 4 year old and I used a FIRM  voice.  I was NOT yelliing, hence why I am confused.  Yelling to me is with anger and screaming so loud you lose your voice.  That is yelling.  I had no anger and I was being very FIRM in what I expected of her. 

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 18, 2013 at 8:27 AM
Replies (41-50):
DivaKim
by on Jul. 19, 2013 at 7:22 PM
Going out on a limb here. Have you had her checked? She may not be hearing you u less you are yelling or right by her
countrygirlkat
by Member on Jul. 19, 2013 at 9:26 PM

If they have issues listening I would not be taking them somewhere fun but potentially dangerous.  I would work on them listening in safer situations before you take them somewhere that will get you so stressed and you will have to yell out a lot to get them to listen.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 20, 2013 at 7:18 AM

 I have actually though about that, but I haven't had her checked.  Also, sometimes like the TV or radio will be on and she is like it's too loud.  So, I don't know if it really is too loud or not.


Quoting DivaKim:

Going out on a limb here. Have you had her checked? She may not be hearing you u less you are yelling or right by her


 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jul. 20, 2013 at 9:22 AM

Do you know the program???? Google 1-2-3 magic

Quoting GrammaJane46:

Three chances???  You should leave the second time!!



Quoting Anonymous:

 Well if he "wouldn't let you" then he NEEDS to go with you and help you!!! Screw him, buy one and he will learn to deal with it! I would tell your 4 yr old that you are going to the pool, she is to stay with you and ASK before she takes off. If she doesn't listen you will give her 3 chances (1-2-3 magic) and then you will leave plain and simple as that. I have 3 kids under 6 and this always works for us.

Quoting Anonymous:

 Can you give me another method besides time outs, taking toys away, and spanking?  I have tried EVERYTHING.  She hs always been like this since she could walk amd consistently disciplined.  I wanted a backpack leash (even though I hate them) when she was littler, but DH wouldn't let me

Seriously - what is left? If you can give me any other option PLEASE tell me. 





Anonymous
by Anonymous 12 on Jul. 20, 2013 at 9:44 AM
4 moms liked this

I am a long time teacher (2nd grade, 1st grade and currently pre-k).  What I'm telling you may be hard to hear, but please know that I'm not saying this to bash you or put you down, but rather to give you the cold, hard truth of what you need to do to fix this problem and save your sanity.

Simply put, your four year old doesn't listen because she's learned that it's OK not to.  Parenting by yelling and nagging and saying the same thing over and over is like trying to drive your car with the horn.  All you're doing is making noise.  If you want to actually change what the car is doing, the horn isn't what you use . . . you have to use something that actually has an impact, like the steering wheel and the brake pedal.  You need to get into the habit of saying something once and if that doesn't work, you have to actually do something about it (take the wheel, apply the breaks, do something that actually has an impact).  Go over to her immediately, take her by the hand or pick her up and follow through with what you asked her to do.  EVER. SINGLE. TIME.  Right now she has learned that listening to you is optional.  She doesnt' have to do what she's told (or at least doesn't have to do it immediately) because you'll just yell at her a few more times (which she can easily tune out) and nothing much will really happen for it anyway.

Also, at this age and especially in certain situations, you cannot try to parent long distance.  You shouldn't have had to call to her to get out of the pool.  At the pool you should have been within arms distance at all times.  Therefore, you should have had her hand in yours when you told her it was time to go.  Do not give her the chance to "just choose not to".  Don't give her the chance to practice disobedience and get away with it.  Take the wheel and guide her to where she needs to go and what she needs to do.  If it was a little splash pool where it was OK for her to be away from you, you still needed to go to her when it was time to go or if you called her name and she didn't come to you.  Go to her immediately and carry through with what you asked her to do.  When the "ignoring you and going on with whatever she wants to do" stops being effective, she will stop doing it.  Proximity and immediate follow through are essential.  It will take little bit, but she will learn that it doesn't do any good to ignore you.   It's not effective in getting her what she wants r getting her out go doing what you've asked he to do.

You have to do this even if it's some little unimportant thing in a situation where it really doesn't matter.  If you say it, you need to expect her to do it and you need to take the time to carry through on it, because the next time it likely will be important.  Even if the thing itself isn't all that important, the learning that "I'm expected to do what Mama tells me to do" is.  (As they get older you teach then how to respectfully voice their opinion if they want to discuss options or give reasons, but for right now, to fix this problem, you have to be consistant in expecting her to listen and do what she's told to do.)  If you are consistant with this, she will learn what's expected, including staying beside you, answering when she's spoken to, and following directions immediately.  They will become second nature (just like saying "please" and "thank you" become second nature when you reinforce it and they practice doing it that way).

You have to put forth a consequence that actually impacts her.  If she doesn't stay beside you or follow directions at the pool, you sit in time out.  If it happens again, you go home.  Immediately,  Yes, it stinks.  Yes, you wasted your money on the admission that day.  But sometimes that's the price you have to pay to teach your child the skills she needs.  (And this is the part where I remind you that threatening it all day long is just another form of horn blowing.  You can threaten it until you're purple.  It won't impact a thing.  You have to carry through with it, consistantly.  And it usually only takes a few times.)

Right now your voice alone clearly isn't effective.  So for the next little bit, you need to focus on your actions.  Use your actions and your follow through to show her that you mean what you say.  It will take a while, but once you get that established, your voice will once again carry meaning and be effective with her.

The other area where many parents fall short is that they don't teach and reinforce the expectations (or really even know what their expectations are) for different situations.  Decide, specifically, what it is you want her to do in a certain situation and specifically teach that.  Pick 2 or 3 simple rules and stick to them.  (If there is a big safety issue, like running away from you, you may even want to start with just that 1 single thing at first).  As much as possible, phrase it in the positive, rather than the negative (say what she should do, not what she shouldn't).  Role play and practice those at home.  Repeat those 2 or 3 rules often.  Remind her before you get out of the car to head into the store or to the pool.  "We are going to the grocery store.  Remember, we do A, B and C".  Have her repeat those expectations back to you.  (OK, we are heading into the grocery store.  Remember, you always hold Mommy's hand or the cart.  You keep your hands off the food.  And you don't ask for treats because you'll have a popcicle when we get home if you follow the rules).  If your child really has a hard time learnng or remembering the expectations, a picture strip with a small picture icon for each of those three things can help.  You can even let her hold that while you're in the store.  Praise her often while she's being successful and then give her a reward (like the popcicle) when she successfully makes it through the store. 

In other words, you need to be clear on what you expect in a particular situation, teach it and reinforce it (until those expectations are automatic to her), set her up to be successful with it and then reward her when she it.  Yes, it's a lot of work.  You have to think about teaching and reinforcing behavioral expectations in the middle of the grocery store, where you're already stressed.  I know.  I get that.  But it has to be done.  They don't come out the hatch knowing how to behave in different situations, so it has to be taught . . . just like riding a bike and tieing their shoe.  It takes time and work.  You may want to set up some situations where you can focus more of your attention on her.  Like going to the park instead of the pool (because if you have to leave, you haven't lost money) or going to the grocery store when you only need a few things and your primary focus can be on establishing expectations, reinforcing and praising as you go and celebrating her success.  Maybe even try to find a way to do some of these things with just your 4 year old.  It will be a lot of work at first.  But it will soon become second nature to her and your life will be so much easier.  Things will be automatic and every outing won't be a nightmare.  A few months of really hard work will pay off a hundred times over in the long run.

As other posters said, offer her a choice on things whenever possible.  If they feel like they get a choice on a hundred little things during the day (which is very empowering), then it's easier to deal with the situations where there isn't a choice.

Transitions can be particularly difficult.  Give her a 10 minute warning, then a 5 minute warning, then the "2 more times down the slide" warning.  Then this is another time where you need to hold strong and not give in to the "just one more time" whine.  Even if it's not a big deal today.  Even if you have time.  You need to hold to what you said, which was, "5 more minutes" or "2 more times down the slide" or whatever.  Because if the whining works today, they WILL try the same thing next week, when you're in a hurry or there is a storm coming up or whatever.  If you give them a 5 minute warning, then "time to go" means time to go.  You need to say it, expect it to happen and then carry through immediately if it doesn't.  (I have occasionally had situations where I've given my kid a 5 minute warning, then got a phone call that DH was running late or something, which meant we had more time.  In those cases, I'll call him over and explain what happened.  But other than that, he knew that "time to go" meant time to go, not run up the slide again or start whining.

Also, start these things with your 2 year old NOW.  If you do, you'll have a much easier time with her at 3, 4, 5.

I've been interrupted about 20 times while typing this, so please excuse the typos or anything that doesn't make sense.  I know it's a lot and that some of it is just kind of randomly tossed in there, but I hope some of it helps.  Good luck! :)


DivaKim
by on Jul. 20, 2013 at 11:07 AM
Next time you go to pedi have it checked. If any problems are found they will schedule am audiology appt. it is worth a try


Quoting Anonymous:

 I have actually though about that, but I haven't had her checked.  Also, sometimes like the TV or radio will be on and she is like it's too loud.  So, I don't know if it really is too loud or not.




Quoting DivaKim:

Going out on a limb here. Have you had her checked? She may not be hearing you u less you are yelling or right by her



 


mrswillie
by Silver Member on Jul. 21, 2013 at 9:29 AM
Yelling is not effective.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jul. 21, 2013 at 10:02 AM

 I know that - I wasnt yelling


Quoting mrswillie:

Yelling is not effective.


 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 13 on Jul. 21, 2013 at 10:10 AM
1 mom liked this

eh, i just ignore people

Anonymous
by Anonymous 14 on Jul. 21, 2013 at 10:20 AM
Sounds like you need to learn how to discipline your kids. I have 3 boys who've never wandered off & don't ignore me.

I'd be annoyed too listening to someone yelling (yes it IS yelling) constantly for their undisciplined kids.
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