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can i mourn this loss even if it was because of me?

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

i am getting a tattoo to honor my kids-a fancy heart with their  initials in it.  I want two smaller hearts on the outside.  One for a miscarriage I had a few years ago, and the other for an abortion I had when I was 15.  My DH says I should only get 1 smaller heart because the second was my choice!  It was a choice I made a long time ago and it was the hardest thing ever but I still think about it almost daily.  At the time I thought I was doing the right thing (and maybe I did).  Do you think it is in poor taste to go this route?  i just wanted something to honor all of my kids (born or not)!!


the tattoo i was planning has alot of scrollwork on the big heart and the little hearts would come out of the scrollwork so they would look like they are just part of the "main" tattoo.  no one would ever know those smaller hearts symbolized anything unless I told them.  The tattoo would be at the top of my leg so no one would see it unless i show them or when i am wearing a bathing suit.

thanks for the support--makes me feel better knowing there are people who understand--i just wanted the tattoo for me!

Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 26, 2013 at 10:36 AM
Replies (21-30):
by Anonymous 6 on Jul. 26, 2013 at 11:38 PM

I will be praying for you!   I too think that you have the right to mourn in any way you so choose, that will not be harmful to you.  I think your husband is feeling threatened, and memorializing a child you lost (another man's child?) is something he has extreme difficulty coping with.  Since you say you sitll think about your baby every day after so many years, I think it is likely you are suffering from post-abortion trauma, which is much like PTSD/is in some cases equivalent to PTSD. Traumas like these need to be processed with a counselor and I urge you to go see one over this matter, as you do not deserve to mull over this for the rest of your life with mixed and unspoken feelings.  You deseve to have them out and to heal from this very difficult experience!!  Project Rachel is one such venue for getting help with this that you may seek.  it is free and you will meet kindred spirits.  Website is  Hugs Momma!!

by Bronze Member on Jul. 27, 2013 at 8:44 AM

I think you should honor the baby your aborted. Choice or no, it was still a life.

by Platinum Member on Jul. 27, 2013 at 9:00 AM

It's your decision and no ones business. Follow your heart....I know where you're coming from. Hugs

by on Jul. 27, 2013 at 9:05 AM
1 mom liked this
Sounds beautiful
by on Jul. 27, 2013 at 9:06 AM
1 mom liked this

You do what you feel you need to.  It is your body, and you have every right to mourn a loss, even if you did cause it.  No one here knows what went on or what led you to that decision.  You dont need any of us to tell you it is ok.  You do what you feel is right.

by on Jul. 27, 2013 at 9:45 AM
1 mom liked this

That was your child, so yes go ahead and get the heart.  You also may want to seek a Post Abortion healing group.  Your pain is real whether you caused it or not.  I would love to pray for you.

by Member on Jul. 27, 2013 at 11:54 AM

Oh sweetie.  Can I punch your DH?  Hard?

I'm so sorry for your losses.  Just because one was your choice doesn't mean it wasn't a hard choice for you.

I'm very pro-choice and yes.  It's more than okay to mourn that loss.  Though I do hope you can talk to someone about it, if you haven't already.

Seriously.  Can I punch him?

by Member on Jul. 27, 2013 at 11:58 AM

Honest question: Why is it in poor taste?  This choice she made obviously had a huge impact on her, for whatever reason.  I'm pro-choice, but that doesn't mean I don't acknowledge that some women have more issues over their abortions than others.  There may have been trauma involved and she was only fifteen.

I think memorializing it like this will help her put some of that pain to rest, instead of ignoring that it ever happened.  And I want to punch her husband.  Really hard.

Quoting bellygirl:

To answer your question, I do think it's in poor taste.  However if it's just for you and no one else is going to know what the heart represents, go for it.  It's unfortunate that at 15, you had to make such a HUGE decision; not knowing how it would affect the rest of your life. A question, was the pregnancy at 15 by your current husband?  

by Member on Jul. 27, 2013 at 12:00 PM

As a mother who lost her child to HLHS at 4 days and the daughter of a nurse I really hope you aren't a nurse in my hospital.  I've known nurses my whole life and frankly none of the nurses I know would say what you've so hatefully put into words here.

Quoting nurse1997:

Lady give me a break she choose to have sex she also choose to abort her baby she took the easy way out 15 or not she made her choice -When you deal with parents losing there babies for medical reasons,shootings,abuse than you come talk to me !!!

I hope you aren't really a nurse as you sit here and judge a person's mental health.

Quoting nurse1997:


by on Jul. 27, 2013 at 4:50 PM

That must have been so very hard to do, even if it was what was best for you at the time. I'm sure it will stay with you for life and maybe including that little lost angel in the tattoo will help you heal just a little bit more. 

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