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Step parents get the shot end of the stick

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 7 Replies
1 mom liked this

What I don't understand is the number of women on here that bash on the SPs. Like it or not, the original relationship didn't work out. That sucks but it's life. Why is it that you all immediately smack down a SM that wants to spend time with her SKs? Part of being in a blended is loving those kids and helping to raise them. Part of being in a marriage is making decisions together as a couple, decisions that effect the entire family, including *gasp* the kids and step kids! I think telling these women that they should just shut up and butt out is ludicrous.  They are wives and mothers and they are making plans for their entire families.

In my house we make our plans knowing with have to be flexible with BM & BD. We're adults. We all agreed a long time ago to respect each other and put our kids first. BM & BD are both welcome to be in our home. BD is military and he stays at our house when he makes it to town to visit! We invite them for holidays and when we are all together we do things as a family. My kids know that just because their bio parents aren't together it doesn't mean we don't talk. We do. We have children and that means that we are bound together, so we might as well make the best of it. My kids know that we all love them. 

I get that we are an exception to the rules. DH tells me that people think it's weird that our exes are allowed to stay in our home. They're exes, not monsters. My ex was a terrible husband but he's a great Dad. He and DH know that DS calls them both Dad.  DH has been his father figure day to day since he was three, so while BD didnt like it, he understood it.  DS doesn't call his sm Mom but he was nine when she came on the scene. He calls her by her first name. Our stance has been that the kids will adress us based on their level of familiarity with us. 

In short, I guess I just don't understand why parents resist letting these people who are going to be influential in their children's life, love their kids. These step parents aren't trying to replace you. They can never replace you and believe, no one will ever let them forget that. They are just trying the best they can to give your kid a family within their household too.

Before anyone starts, I get that there are bad step parents out there. There are bad bio parents out there too. I'm not saying that it is always the way it is in my family. I'm just wondering why so many people out there don't want their exes to find happiness and why they seem to think that it's okay to teach their children that their family is limited to only their bio parents.

Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 25, 2013 at 8:39 PM
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Replies (1-7):
rjmac88
by on Sep. 25, 2013 at 8:47 PM
My very first encounter with my ex husbands now wife was her telling my daughters that I wasn't their mother anymore, she was. And that I didn't love them anymore. And then I got pregnant with my new husband and she told them that when they new baby came we wouldn't want them anymore because they were my "old kids". And then telling me at a birthday party that she PITIED me for having to give birth to the girls. Left a bad taste in my mouth for step parents. I have absolutely no sympathy or pity for them. i realize not all need to be taken out back and shot. but my only personal experience with step parents ruined it for all you guys.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Sep. 25, 2013 at 8:52 PM

Wow, that is ridiculous. Pardon my French but what a bitch. When you are thinking of step parents though, also kindly remember that your DH is also a step parent. I am going out on a limb here to think that he includes your daughters in your family and treats them well. 

kka3091
by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 9:33 AM
1 mom liked this

My goodness, no should ever, EVER any children that anyone is not their mother anymore. EVER. It is completely uncalled for, and if she actually said all these things to you, and to your children, you have the right to contact the DSS. Because it is not appropriate, or is it okay, it should not be set aside or it will build up over time. If she continues to do things like that, the GAL can definitely get involved and stuff.

My boyfriend's daughter's mother told her the same thing about her father not loving her anymore because he has a new girlfriend, blah blah. That I replaced her spot for love in his heart. WTF. When we found out what her mother told her, we were SHOCKED. We sat down, and I was like no sweetheart, you will ALWAYS be loved by your father, ALWAYS. Daddy can love more than one person, he does with you, and he did with your mother, and it just didn't work out. He is trying to love someone else, but you will always have a big part in his heart. Chris (the father) reassured that to her, too.

Mackenzie (boyfriend's daughter) has been dragged through SO MUCH, just in terms for her mother to get back to Chris in some way, just to drag him down. It's real messed up.

Anyway, for all single mothers/fathers, and those who decided to love someone else's child is very selfless. I love this quote I found a while ago: "A step parent is a truly amazing person. They made a choice to love another's child as their own." This is particularly true, and it is not something that everyone in general are willing to do so. Remember that.

 

 

marchantmom06
by Bronze Member on Sep. 27, 2013 at 9:43 AM
Sometimes it's better for the children to not have divorced parents speak to each other.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
SnapIt
by Bronze Member on Sep. 27, 2013 at 9:58 AM
I think the more a SP wants to be involved in the SKs life, is when the BP gets all heated
The fear of the SP taking over

Youre right, their relationship did not work out. Therefore the best should be done for the child and not the BP.
Its about the kid/s.
There are many rules, direction and expectation a BP puts into place and those things do not work the same way with everyone.
One has to remember there are 2 parents with 2 homes with 2 sets of rules.
Usually the mother is the one who cant understand this.

Just because you had the kid doesnt mean you get all the say in the childs life.
Attitude and jealousy (which i think its more fear) will not help the kid/s
Its not the divorce that screws up the kids, its the actions of the parents attitude towards the other parent and their SO that screws them up.
When you think you are protecting your child, you are harming them.
Especially when a SP is there with good intentions.
Put your feelings to the side in what happened and broke up your relationship with the ex.
Its over
Think about the child and not the SO or the ex or yourself
grannie_kel
by Bronze Member on Sep. 27, 2013 at 10:21 AM

It's so nice to see some ex's that are getting along.  Your kids will benefit greatly from it. 

I see in CM all to often (though not so much in the real world) moms that have the "my kids, my choice" mentality, thinking it will be their way or the highway.  While its true they are the mom, the kids also have a father and he and his new spouse have equal rights to raise the children in the way they see fit.  Its too bad they don't realize that by working together, the kids would get the best of both.  When the kids have to watch mom and dad or mom and step mom fighting all the time, it is the kids that are hurt the most. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Sep. 29, 2013 at 5:30 PM

I am glad I'm not the only one on here that sees that! All of us, myself, DH, BM & BD do what we can to raise our kids together. I know we aren't perfect but none of our kids feel separated from each other. I am coming to realize how very blessed we are that we all get along and can support each other. BM & I aren't best friends, we are more like sister in laws. We help each other out when we can with kids and family holidays but we don't hang out outside of those situations. Same with DH & BD. I'm glad we have them to count on.

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