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Alcoholic mother? Anyone else? Advice?

Posted by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:11 AM
  • 11 Replies

I'll try to make this short!  My mom has been an alcoholic all of my adult life (I'm 45).  She doesn't think she has a problem. She living her life like she wants to. A few years ago she took a bunch of pills and was admitted to the hospital and held against her will. Long story short, her husband and my brother went before a judge, told him it was an accident, and she really doesn't have a problem. Soooo, she got out with a couple sessions of counseling.  They did this because her husband can't do anything for himself-she waits on him hand and foot-and my brother needs her for money. They all live in IA.  I live in AZ.  we have had periods where I don't speak to her for months at a time because of how she is.  She forgot my birthday for the 2nd year in a row and is the worlds worst grandma.  Not so much as a card sent to my kids ever.  She wouldn't even know when their birthdays are or their ages.  I am at the point of cutting her off again.  She causes me sooo much emotional pain that it is just sooooo much easier for me to block her out completely than deal with her at all. I don't know what to do anymore. She is like a complete stranger to me.  Thoughts anyone?

by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:11 AM
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by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:17 AM
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I think we find the people who are our real family as we go through life.  It may always be rather painful to think that your mother is such a poor parent ... but that is something you have no control over.  If your life is better withour her in it, then so be it. Just drift away and embrace the people who make your life a happy one and who love you the way you deserve. 

by Anonymous 1 on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:56 AM

My alcoholic father died never knowing he had grandaughters.

by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 1:38 AM
1 mom liked this

Im sorry that you were given such an unfair hand with a parent. My advice is this, If this relationship causes you pain, if you have anger,and resentment issues, if this is something you cant forgive and realize that ,this lady is who she is. to be honest, it doesnt look like shes trying to change, if you cant accept this is who she is going to be, this is all she will give emotionally, (a person can't give you what they dont have,and she doesnt have peace,nor does she have honesty with herself nor does she have self love. So she cant offer you those things. if you cant seperate yourself from wanting what she doesnt have and I understand if you cant, and accepting what she will offer, Than it might be your only choice, Its a very dfficult thing to endure. I think for a child their is never a moment of understanding, theres always a why. I live my life knowing that my children will never know the pain that  my biologial dad put me threw. I can say our situation needed a hero and I stepped up and said, you were never a dad to me, never will be the dad i need, as a parent I can never understand you. As a person I accept you are who you are. When I accepted that he would never remember my birthday, he never did, nor did he send a christmas card, he never called, I always had to phone him, which wasnt alot, I accepted he was who he was. I forgave who he was, I live my life knowing I will never think what he did was ok,but that he was who he was, sure it stunk not to have a dad show you love, but he couldnt hurt me because I knew not to expect anything from him. he died from cancer, I never really knew him , but i dont think he ever knew himself either. I lost a man that was suppose to parent me, but he lost who he was everyday. Im sure he was fine with that because he made no effort to change it. just know your boundries, and if you cant give her anymore of yourself, than dont, you cant give what you dont have, if its to much to give than dont. Just realize she is who she is. If you want a loving relationship Im not sure you will get that, praying for your heart to find peace

baby girlKelly

by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 27, 2013 at 2:16 AM

I have an alcoholic sister.  my siblings and i have no contact with her.  You get to a point where you just can't deal any more.  I say if you don't want to deal with it, dont.  cut her out of your life and if she asks why, tell her. 

by Ruby Member on Sep. 27, 2013 at 8:44 AM

If you've cut her out before and felt fine, then do that. Your peace of mind is what you can control. Her husband and your brother are co-dependants. You won't change anything with your Mom as long as they are in the picture...being that much closer to her physically.

by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 27, 2013 at 9:07 AM

I have a friend that was in the same situation as you.  She cut off all ties and was so much happier.  there is nothing you can do about grown adults.  if that is the way she wants to live her life, nothing you would do can change that. her alcohol abuse is counterproductive to you and your children.  An alcoholic will only get help when they think they need help.

by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 10:57 AM

Send her a card at Christmas and call her on Mother's Day.

by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 11:10 AM

Well, at least your mother can "blame" things on the alcohol.  My mother has no excuse to go such as that.  She is just self centered and a hypocrite 365 days a year.  I forgive her for all the verbal, physical, mental and emotional abuse she dished out when we were kids but, I refuse to continue to allow her to mistreat not only me but my kids as well, now that I am an adult.  She has no place in our lives and when I tried up until 5 years ago, she never called the kids or attempted to come see them.  No regrets here and I have no problems sleeping.

by Member on Sep. 27, 2013 at 12:03 PM

my   dad  is like that but he had a health scare and at 80   he actually go clean i miss what the realtionship could have ben  you need to put yourself first       and care for yourself otherwise     she will jsut use you until she gets help alanon helped me alot   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 get somone or stay on here   i ahve ben through this stuff alot        hugs puppy

by on Sep. 27, 2013 at 7:39 PM

As an alcoholic in recovery I will tell you that the alcoholic mind is a very selfish one. Change doesn't come easy because our first and only thoughts center around when we are going to get the next drink. If another obligation comes up it WILL be ignored/forgotten. You will not change an alcoholic. All you can do is to pray that she finds the way to admit that her life is unmanageable and that she gets help. THEN you can try to form a relationship with her. Unfortunately, until that time, you will always come second after the booze.

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