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The Cafe The Cafe

Comfort in a time of grieving...

Posted by on Dec. 19, 2013 at 3:31 PM
  • 9 Replies

  I am not good in times like this. My hubby's childhood friend has been fighting cancer this since this summer. He worked for a company for about 20 years and they denied him any health insurance help through his medical care/doctor appointments. Needless to say it is very upsetting because he hasn't gotten the medical care he could have got to possibly beat his cancer. My hubby and him have been friends since chilhood so my hubby is struggling with the fact that he is going to die. His friend has a cancer in his back and up until the last 3 months he could walk but he woke up one morning and found out he couldn't walk no more. He was in the hospital, we went to visit him and when we left the hospital hospice came in to talk to him. The way they went about it upset everyone, since the doctors told him he had about one more month left. He was in the hospital around thanksgiving and has since gone home and is in a hospital bed in front of a large t.v that were put in place for him by his family-his sister's live nearby, his wife and a nurse are all switch shifting around the clock care for him. He has been in good care by everyone and seems to have been in pretty good spirits up until a week ago. He has been sleeping more, not responding, loss of appetite and his spirits aren't as good. When hospice came into the hospital he told my hubby that they weren't there for him, it wasn't his time and was able to joke about it. Me and hubby have been visiting him when we can and I have made it a point to get hubby thereIt is so sad, my hubby is sad/he is somewhat depressed because he knows the day is soon coming when his best friend won't be around. They are like brothers, my hubby being older and my hubby always being more outspoken/advice giving and at points in life they were unseperable. I lost my mom 3 years ago and was there for my dad. My brther has been battling brain cancer for 2 years and has been sick and in the hospital off and on and it has been real battle for him-he has hung in there. I have not kept in ntact with one childhood friend so I cannot grasp/imagine the difficulty but can only imaging it to be devastaing and it is going to be extremely hard for my husband. I want to be there for him in his time of need, help him through it in the best possible way I can and be strong for him. This has distanced/distracted/consumed his life and he is very upset sometimes distancing from me-buI am being understanding. What should I do to help him through this. I am not good at dealin with something that is so heavy as losing a best friend that he has had for life. Any advice is helpful. It saddens me alot. I just met his friend before Thanksgiving so I haven't known him long only to say that in the short time I have known him, he is a special person, he is kind and the kind of person, I understand why my hubby and him are so close.   

by on Dec. 19, 2013 at 3:31 PM
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Replies (1-9):
mustbeGRACE
by Member on Dec. 19, 2013 at 6:06 PM
2 moms liked this

You cannot stop the pain that is coming.

It is much bigger than you or anyone else can do anything about.

Just be there for him. Let him know that you aren't going anywhere.

He is the only one who can come to terms with it.

You would get him over the pain if you could but it's going to be process that he has to go through.

I am sorry about the situation.

Take good care.


Peanutx3
by Member on Dec. 19, 2013 at 6:19 PM

Just listen to him.  Give him a shoulder to cry one.  If you are religious do not under any circumstances tell him it was all in God's plan.  That will be the last thing he will want to hear.  Don't tell him it gets easier with time.  Only he can be the judge of whether or not it is getting easier.  We all grieve in our own ways, it is very personal.  So while you can relay what you thought and felt during the grieving process for your mom it will be different for him.

MomofHDFandNWF
by on Dec. 20, 2013 at 10:35 AM
1 mom liked this

Like others have said, be there - be willing to listen if he wants to talk, be a shoulder if he needs to cry.


jesusgirl76
by Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 12:14 AM
I'm praying for all of you. Check out cancerdefeated.com, it has some interesting information. ((hugs))
copperked
by Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 5:46 AM
1 mom liked this
The most important thing is your presence and your willingness to be there. Grief is very different for everyone, and your husband is already grieving because he has an idea of what will most likely happen. Understand that he might bottle things up, he might cry it out, he might get depressed or very angry. He might do one of those things one day and something else the next. He might seem fine one.minute and then think of something that makes him fall apart almost instantly. And there is no time limit on grief. My former boss still has to take the anniversary of her husband's death off of work, 13 years later, and she probably always will. You will figure it out as you go. Just love him, even when its hard to understand.
GirlWithANikon
by Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 6:15 AM

Im so sorry

butterflyrose11
by on Dec. 21, 2013 at 2:02 PM
1 mom liked this

 Thanks. I will check this out the website. I am glad they have a website. I am sure it will be helpful. lol

Quoting jesusgirl76: I'm praying for all of you. Check out cancerdefeated.com, it has some interesting information. ((hugs))

 

butterflyrose11
by on Dec. 21, 2013 at 2:03 PM

 Thank You!!

Quoting copperked: The most important thing is your presence and your willingness to be there. Grief is very different for everyone, and your husband is already grieving because he has an idea of what will most likely happen. Understand that he might bottle things up, he might cry it out, he might get depressed or very angry. He might do one of those things one day and something else the next. He might seem fine one.minute and then think of something that makes him fall apart almost instantly. And there is no time limit on grief. My former boss still has to take the anniversary of her husband's death off of work, 13 years later, and she probably always will. You will figure it out as you go. Just love him, even when its hard to understand.

 

butterflyrose11
by on Dec. 21, 2013 at 2:13 PM

 You are right that everyone grieves in there own way and it depends on who the person is and how close they are.  I guess sensitivity levels in how well people deal with certian thing plays a big part too.  My hubby is more outgoing and his friend is more shy/less confident so hubby always was around to spend time around. My hubby is a good advice person/sociable. Me, I am more shy -it is my nature but I will be there for him. Thank You....

Quoting Peanutx3:

Just listen to him.  Give him a shoulder to cry one.  If you are religious do not under any circumstances tell him it was all in God's plan.  That will be the last thing he will want to hear.  Don't tell him it gets easier with time.  Only he can be the judge of whether or not it is getting easier.  We all grieve in our own ways, it is very personal.  So while you can relay what you thought and felt during the grieving process for your mom it will be different for him.

 

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