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engaged with separate lifestyles. Should he be spending and telling me to cut back?

Posted by on Feb. 6, 2014 at 12:44 PM
  • 57 Replies

My fiance and I have been engages since April of 2012 with an estimated wedding date of 2020.  We live in different houses and have separate finances.  Should I be okay with him buying tatoos, a new sports car, a new truck, an $8 thousand dollar vacation for his child while he tells me to cut back?  He said he can't afford to help me pay my bills each month.  If I cut back any more I will have to give up cable TV.

by on Feb. 6, 2014 at 12:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
young_lv_mom
by New Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 12:46 PM
3 moms liked this

If you are paying your own bills then he has no right to tell you how to spend the money, now if he is giving you money every month to help you pay bills then yes, he has every right to say you need to cut back or he could just stop giving you money. It all comes down to where the money is coming from.

DanaG70
by Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 12:46 PM
1 mom liked this

So by the time you tie the knot you'll be engaged for 8 years?

Wow

If you can't afford to pay your bills, maybe you should get a better paying job.

wannamoveon
by on Feb. 6, 2014 at 1:00 PM

DanaG70 - so you'd be okay with your fiance living a different lifestyle than you?  Yes or No?  Knowing it is going to be an 8 year engagement?  Even though my future husband has the means to make us both comfortable I am just supposed to do without or find a better job?  Is being engaged so different than being married?  Once married I should just let him keep living it up and telling me he needs a new truck and can't buy a used one?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Feb. 6, 2014 at 1:06 PM
I wouldn't be engaged 7 years. I would say no, he should not tell you how to spend money. I would not be with someone who would seriously over spends though. That is a red flag.
I went on vacations and no, dh never said don't go. The last 6 months before marrying we looked more at finances and savings and gelling together. Not before. If you are not married you need to pay your bills. I would never ask for money before marrying for bills.
polkaspots
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 1:08 PM
1 mom liked this
Op quoted you.

Quoting DanaG70:

So by the time you tie the knot you'll be engaged for 8 years?

Wow

If you can't afford to pay your bills, maybe you should get a better paying job.

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polkaspots
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 1:12 PM
1 mom liked this
I wouldn't be okay with my fiancé or anybody else telling me how to spend my hard earned cash. I also wouldn't be asking someone I don't live with to help pay my bills. And I wouldn't be engaged for that many years. When DH and I wanted to get married, we were married within a few months. I don't understand wanting to get married six years from now. We also lived together before we got married. Being engaged isn't all that different from being married, it's just paperwork. It's how you live. If you are your fiancé are living your whole lives separately then that's totally different from a couple living together and sharing finances.

Quoting wannamoveon:

DanaG70 - so you'd be okay with your fiance living a different lifestyle than you?  Yes or No?  Knowing it is going to be an 8 year engagement?  Even though my future husband has the means to make us both comfortable I am just supposed to do without or find a better job?  Is being engaged so different than being married?  Once married I should just let him keep living it up and telling me he needs a new truck and can't buy a used one?

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SnapIt
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 1:19 PM
1 mom liked this
No he doesnt have a right since you are living separately, but it may be a concern to him.
Something he is nipping in the butt now before the I DOs.

He more than likely has a spending budget HE can afford without you. He probably doesnt want to give you the impression that once you say I Do, he is going to support you by letting you spend what you want and he has to pick up your slack.
More so, since he can do for him and his kid now, doesnt mean he has to do for you too once youre his wife.

If hes telling you now he wont flip your bill because you cant, id go into this marriage thinking and be prepared to keep up your end of the bargain financially and dont depend on him. Take it as a hint. A hint many women dismiss in the beginning and then feel slighted later on when he says hes not going to support her financially, in other words... "Dont count on me for money dear"
Hottmomma607
by Trica on Feb. 6, 2014 at 1:20 PM
2 moms liked this
I'm confuzzled at engaged in 2012,married in 2020?
You both seem not ready for marriage even in 8years! He wants to spend and blow money $$$ you seem upset that he does and doesn't help you! He seems controlling to tell you how to spend&save! Something is NOT right here!
AliKatAK47
by Bronze Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 1:21 PM

 Okay. No, to everything. I wouldn't be engaged to someone for that long. My husband and I were engaged for 9 months before we got married. Sure we dated and were in a relationship since the dawn of time, but when we decided to tie the knot, we didn't procrastinate. Nor did we live in two separate houses. I mean, how are you going to marry someone when you don't even know how they behave at home? I don't think he should have to pay YOUR bills when he doesn't live with you. If he can afford to live it up and take trips than good for him. If you can't even afford your price of living then I think its time for you to start looking for another job. 

You two aren't living like an engaged couple. You are both living separate lives (more like single people).

DanaG70
by Member on Feb. 6, 2014 at 1:24 PM

I wouldn't be engaged for 8 years period. Why don't you two live together? and no, being engaged and living separately isn't the same as being married.

If you are living in your own household then yes, you need to find a better paying job, or cut back on something.

Quoting wannamoveon:

DanaG70 - so you'd be okay with your fiance living a different lifestyle than you?  Yes or No?  Knowing it is going to be an 8 year engagement?  Even though my future husband has the means to make us both comfortable I am just supposed to do without or find a better job?  Is being engaged so different than being married?  Once married I should just let him keep living it up and telling me he needs a new truck and can't buy a used one?


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