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UPDATE: Single Parent Kids are Screwed up?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 240 Replies
1 mom liked this


Update:  I am selling my things to get money raised to leave.  I also got the government involved, so I could get legal permission to leave, as there are weird laws where I live.  Since he knows I am leaving soom, he has been SUPER nice.  It is like we are dating - almost.  It makes me feel guilty for planning to take the kids from him.  I just now have to determine how to get from point A to point B since my car does not work well enough to drive across the country.  Details are what I have to work out.  Just feeling super guilty and like a bad mom doing it.  Those of you who have been in a situation like this, did you ever feel that way?  Does that feeling linger forever?



HOW WILL MY KIDS BE AFFECTED - SHORT AND LONG TERM?  HOW DO I PREPARE FOR WHAT THEY WILL NEED EMOTIONALLY WITHOUT A DAD?  WHAT ARE THE DYNAMICS OF SPF?


Hello!  I am currently married, but am severely depressed.  I cry daily, and feel like I just can't function anymore.  I have some health issues appearing, probably due to my stress levels.  

I got married and left everything I know - my job, my friends, everything.  My husband is a great guy to his family (family meaning mom, siblings, nieces, and nephews - NOT wife and kids).   Once we got married he decided his view of marriiage was going to be wife at home cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids.  I am not allowed to have a life outside of the home.  I cannot even answer the door for fear it will be a male selling something or whatever.  If it is a male, my husband swears I must have something going on with him.  So, he is rather controlling and possessive.  I am not used to that.  I waited until I was in my 30's to even get married, I am used to being social.  (Social means talking on the phone or going to get togethers with a group of friends once a month or two.  My friends from back home -since I don't know anyone here really - and I don't drink or smoke or anything either.)  My children cannot have friends over either. NO one in our home.  :(  I feel suffocated living like this.  I am used to being a career woman and think men should do their part in the house too.  

I am called lazy, stupid, useless, and other much stronger words I will not repeat here.  It has been a battle to get my kids to respect me.  Both of them have emotional problems with the chaos in our home.  

They love their father dearly.  He is wonderful with them when he is in a good mood.  He has his days, weeks, or months, though, that are horrible to live with.  He is passive aggressive.  He gives our hyperactive ds chocolate, candy, juice, etc. daily.  He feels kids do not need glasses, nor dental work..  He just has a very different way of thinking.  We have to use a horrible clinic for any basic medical needs, as he does not want to spend money on specialists.  I just find life with him totally depressing and frustrating.  

I feel anxious I am going to be 60 someday, without a job, retirement, self-esteem, good health care, etc.  I don't want to have nothing when I am old, and have no way to support myself (AKA retirement, house, etc.) when he finally throws me out of his house.   

I don't want to destroy the kids by taking their dad away.  I don't have a job; I don't have anything anymore.     I will have to move across the country to go home and re-gain my life IF I can find a job.  Will I screw my kids up for life by taking their dad out of their lives?  I would like to hear from people who have worked with single-parent families and ppl who are part of spf.  What did you do?  Was it suffering?  Should I just suck it up and make lemonade out of lemons?


Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 17, 2014 at 1:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
EireLass
by Ruby Member on Feb. 17, 2014 at 1:47 PM
48 moms liked this
Go to an attorney and present this as you did to us. He can very easily make a case for you to move back home for family emotional support, all the while having your hubs pay support to both you and the kids.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 17, 2014 at 2:27 PM
26 moms liked this

I am not a single mom and I am not in favor of divorces BUT there are some circumstances where it is acceptable (in my eyes) I suggest you pack up and get out of there!!! You will NOT destroy your kids lives by taking them of that environment. You need to see a therapist and so do your kids! Find someone you can trust, and go move in with them in the mean time. Hire an attorney and see what you can do!!! No one should live like that! You can and will find a job! Good Luck momma!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 17, 2014 at 2:35 PM
12 moms liked this

Save your self and save your children!  GET OUT!!!!!

pinkstar729
by New Member on Feb. 17, 2014 at 2:35 PM

BUMP!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Feb. 17, 2014 at 2:46 PM
28 moms liked this
You will not "screw up" your children by leaving. If anything you will screw them by not leaving. I know plenty of people who came from single family households and most are productive members of society.

This is the "normal" for them right now. Ask yourself is this the way you want your daughter to be treated or your DIL to be treated? Do I want my son to treat women like this?

Don't just jump and leave though. Make your plan. Talk to family or friends and see where you'll be able to stay if you go home. Start making a file with things like your marriage license, birth certificates, social security cards, report cards (to enroll them in school), ect. So It's all in one place and nothing is missing.

If there's things like "grandma's glass vase" or whatever that mean a lot to you and you don't want to end up leaving it behind, ship it to your parents way before you leave. (one less thing to worry about)

Figure out how to get enough money to get back home. Eather save money here and there or if you pay the bills a couple months before hand, start making those bills out to you instead or telling him the bills are a little more then they are for a while.
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Mishy2
by Michelle on Feb. 17, 2014 at 3:28 PM

 If you are unhappy and he treats you this way then you have to decide if you are willing to continue living like this. If the answer is no then you need to leave. It will be hard at first for sure but with help and support from family and loved ones you will make it through this. Good luck momma (hugs)

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lizzielee
by on Feb. 17, 2014 at 5:25 PM
7 moms liked this

I agree with what everyone said, you need to make a change.  I faced the same decision when my daughter was only 18 months old.  I first made a plan, hired an attorney, and then told him.  From what I've heard, a split is easier on children when they are younger.  My daughter is doing well, and as she always tells me, "you and daddy are better apart".  From the mouth of babes...

Good luck and take care of yourself.  That was some of the best advice I ever received during the worst of it.

dobbyfaceart
by on Feb. 17, 2014 at 9:23 PM
2 moms liked this
You are in serious trouble get out. Tell anyone who will listen.
LeilaBeansMom
by Member on Feb. 17, 2014 at 10:58 PM
5 moms liked this
This. Excellent advice.

Quoting Anonymous: You will not "screw up" your children by leaving. If anything you will screw them by not leaving. I know plenty of people who came from single family households and most are productive members of society.

This is the "normal" for them right now. Ask yourself is this the way you want your daughter to be treated or your DIL to be treated? Do I want my son to treat women like this?

Don't just jump and leave though. Make your plan. Talk to family or friends and see where you'll be able to stay if you go home. Start making a file with things like your marriage license, birth certificates, social security cards, report cards (to enroll them in school), ect. So It's all in one place and nothing is missing.

If there's things like "grandma's glass vase" or whatever that mean a lot to you and you don't want to end up leaving it behind, ship it to your parents way before you leave. (one less thing to worry about)

Figure out how to get enough money to get back home. Eather save money here and there or if you pay the bills a couple months before hand, start making those bills out to you instead or telling him the bills are a little more then they are for a while.
Angel89411
by on Feb. 18, 2014 at 8:24 AM
16 moms liked this

I'm all for working it out and trying to keep the kids in a stable 2 parent home.  But this....this is abuse.  This is horrible.  What he did is roped you in, seperated you, then became a controlling abusive jerk.  This is a serious problem.  He's doing it to your kids too.  They need their mother to protect them.  They may be upset and confused for a while but it will ultimately be better for them to leave.  But he will try to say/promise anything to get y'all back.  You can't go back.  No matter what.  Abusive behavior does not change unless the abuser wants to and goes to a lot of counseling and possibly takes medication.

Quoting Anonymous:

I am not a single mom and I am not in favor of divorces BUT there are some circumstances where it is acceptable (in my eyes) I suggest you pack up and get out of there!!! You will NOT destroy your kids lives by taking them of that environment. You need to see a therapist and so do your kids! Find someone you can trust, and go move in with them in the mean time. Hire an attorney and see what you can do!!! No one should live like that! You can and will find a job! Good Luck momma!


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