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ladies I need some to know if I'm doing the right thing

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 29 Replies
1 mom liked this

 I need to cut my mother out of my life, for my own mental health.

She used to be very,very controlling and now that she's found that she can't "control" by being mean she's trying to control by playing "the poor me card" as dh calls it.

I cut contact about 5 years ago for a good 1 1/2-2 years and it was wonderful. I did have that little voice saying your supposed to have a relationship because thats what society dictates. One of the only reason I started talking to her again was for my little brother.

Before you ask the things she used to do where like if we got into a fight she would call cps and make up random things like my son wasn't in school ( he was 18 months) My husband beat me or is locking my in the basement ( we didn't have a basement)  That I had a dog fighting ring in my basement, just stupid lies that's she knew where lies and wouldn't get my children taken away but just to show she could control. Really anything can set her off. If you tell her that no we didn't eat carrots this week but broccoli, your a bad mother. If you take I took my kid to McDonald's, I'm feeding them nothing but junk, If you don't then your neglecting them because they never get special treats. It was like a crazy rollercoster. Since I've started talking to her she still does little/big things but knows not to call cps because DH said he would get a restraining order if she ever tried that again.

 

 She babied my brother too much and now he's 17. He is failing school. Lies, steals, ect because she's allowed it. He will lie straight to your face and try to make you look like the lier even if he's caught red handed. He doesn't clean up after himself. He actually pees the bed. Not because there's anything wrong, he just likes it and since mom will just change the sheets, he doesn't care. ( It's nasty and I'm sick of my home smelling like it when he visits)

A couple years ago she came up with the big idea that since my kids are good kids, He should come over every weekend and we'll discipline him. Dh said umm NO, how the hell is that even supposed to work.

She always needs me to take him for "her breaks" Idk, When's my break. Somehow she's informed me and other family members that now I'm in-charge of his homework. How is that supposed to work. I don't even see him daily or even weekely and I can't go to his school to do anything about it.

She "needed" me to take him for a week. I told her I would think about it. She dropped him off at my house and just left. I had to take him to school everyday and she pretty much said Hi,bye when I called her. I was so close to calling cps on her because I never even said I would take him. She just assumes because she request something, you jump and say how high.

Now she's pulling that she can't raise him. She wants me to take him.

I was going to but dh made some great points. 1. He has no desireto change. 2. She's going to use it as a control measure to dictate how we do things in our home. 3. It's going to make our kids life hell for many,many reasons. 4. Our kids don't want their rooms smelling like pee. 5. Dh believes that she's trying to give him to me since technically he's old enough to move out (but she can't kick him out) so she can save face and tell everyone he moved out ,blame me for him failing school and the rest of his problems ( which I can 100% totally she her doing)

 

I'm just at a loss here. If I don't go along with what ever she commands, she's going to really start crap in my life. It's come down to cut contact or deal with it. She makes me a emotional mess 1/2 the time because I have no clue what the heck she expects me to do. I know your supposed to be there for family but I see this is turning into a blame me game. 

 

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 21, 2014 at 1:10 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 21, 2014 at 3:04 PM
Imo, cut all contact.
Mishy2
by Michelle on Feb. 21, 2014 at 7:54 PM

 wow. not quite sure what to say honestly.


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petitekatie
by New Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 7:58 PM
2 moms liked this

I would cut contact. Block her. There would be no way I'd let someone like that into my life, whether it was my mother, father, twin , or dying little sister. No fucking way.

tennis4lissa
by on Feb. 21, 2014 at 7:58 PM

if it were me i would take my brother in and tell my mom to sign over parental rights then cut contact with her completely.  then i can deal with him the way i see fit, and whatever issues there are and not have to deal with the drama my mom causes. 

Cindy18
by Bronze Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 8:03 PM
2 moms liked this
She can't raise him?? He is 17 the damage is done! She is insane. You need to cut contact.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 21, 2014 at 8:34 PM
I wouldn't have a problem if she would allow this.
When we First talked about it, she wanted me to sign a lease, renting her a room just so I could enroll him in school and not have to drive him to her school district. Both me and DH said no. I don't trust her and I could see her taking me to court for something like unlawful eviction, even though she never lived here.
I said I would at least need a power of attorney. That way I could enroll him and sign permission slips and such without having to track her down. She will do that but with a POA all she has to do is write void across it and It's over.
Her excuse is she doesn't want to go to court or have him loss his insurance. Which he does have better insurance threw her then we have.

Quoting tennis4lissa:

if it were me i would take my brother in and tell my mom to sign over parental rights then cut contact with her completely.  then i can deal with him the way i see fit, and whatever issues there are and not have to deal with the drama my mom causes. 

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 21, 2014 at 9:29 PM

I would have her sign over parental rights, talk to your brother, see if he's willing to make a change. (?) Maybe an environment with boundaries will make a difference. (?) 

If she doesn't sign over parental rights, cut ties. I mean, you can offer to help your brother, within the confines of what's comfortable within your family. If that means waiting until he's 18 when he can leave mommie dearest's house on his own accord, maybe that's what has to happen. 

Cut ties, she calls CPS, get a restraining order. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 22, 2014 at 12:05 AM
Unfortunately she won't without strings attached.
Honestly he says he wants to change but I don't think he does. He's had everything handed to him. I can't hand him everything. I'm big on personal responsibility. I have no problem spoiling my children (or a child I'm taking care of) but only if they deserved it. My 16 year old has a job, is a straight A student, and works. We helped him buy his first car and allowed him to get a license because of how hard he worked. My 10 year old is a A/B student and does odd jobs for neighbors. (my 2 year old is a different story she's the first girl in the family. LOL)

He doesn't understand not having everything handed to him. Heck my older brother gave him a cell phone for Christmas and the only thing he was asked not to do was don't go on the internet. He ran up $600 in internet charges just because what was my brother going to do if he did go on. Now he steals my parents cell when ever he wants because they don't punish him when he does. I wish I could explain it but I just want to scream at her to be a parent. If you give a child everything, make excuses every time he screws up, and never punish him, he's never going to learn

I blocked their number. I'm getting prepared. I know my older brother is going to show up since I stopped talking to her just to start stuff. She always sends him.

Quoting Anonymous:

I would have her sign over parental rights, talk to your brother, see if he's willing to make a change. (?) Maybe an environment with boundaries will make a difference. (?) 

If she doesn't sign over parental rights, cut ties. I mean, you can offer to help your brother, within the confines of what's comfortable within your family. If that means waiting until he's 18 when he can leave mommie dearest's house on his own accord, maybe that's what has to happen. 

Cut ties, she calls CPS, get a restraining order. 

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Feb. 22, 2014 at 12:09 AM

You might want to try this group:

http://www.cafemom.com/group/32665

My own mother is why I joined. Good luck. You need to protect yourself and your family from toxic people.

If your older brother disagrees with what you're doing, why doesn't your little brother go live with him?

want10more
by Bronze Member on Feb. 22, 2014 at 2:19 AM

your mom sounds kinda like mine, except mine isn't THAT bad, but she did threaten to call cps a lot, over trumped-up allegations, and sometimes complete lies. and yeah, we almost had to take a restraining order out on her (more on that later). your hubby is right. your JOB is to take care of your kids and your marriage. not your mom nor your brother. now, this is NOT a revenge thing at all.... but have you thot about calling cps on HER? if a 17 yr old peed the bed, something's pretty wrong there! i have a 17 yr old boy, if he peed the bed boy he'd be in therapy!

and i'd suggest AGAINST a restraining order until the very last second. we were there, we had enuff grounds and everything, and my hubby wanted to.... (mom was going to school, telling the kids we ((my hubby and i)) were mentally unbalanced... in front of their FRIENDS! yikes huh?) but knowing my mom, and she sounds a lot like yours? she/they would just get in the mindframe of YOU will NOT tell me what i can/cannot do. MY mother would have immediately flouted the order, just to prove the point that i would NEVER tell her what SHE can or can't do! and i also knew i couldn't really have her arrested. she would know that too! if i did i'd feel so very guilty and hate and resent my hubby, if i couldn't, she'd have even more power over me. kinda a lose-lose for me!

i had no contact w/ my mom for 2 1/2 yrs; she lives 2 blocks away in a town of less than 400. not easy physically and/or mentally and/or emotionally. but sometimes ya gotta just sort of quietly hang up and walk away. my kids and hubby had to come first, and so do yours.

it's not fun tho.... sorry you have to go thru this.

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