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is there a good way to bring this up to in laws? {a little long}

Posted by on Mar. 9, 2014 at 3:14 AM
  • 6 Replies

 Every time I go to my MIL's house I leave upset.  Not because of her or anything she says or does.  It is her house.  Let me see if I can articulate this better.  She is a very healthy and vibrant 81 year old.  She is on better shape than MY mom, and I think that is why her daughters (I am married to her only son) don't seem to be concerned about this.  Her youngest daughter married andmoved her husband into her mom's house.  OK, she did not want to leave her widowed mom alone, I see.  She has lived there for 15 years.  now has 2 children and has NEVER paid a cent of rent.  In the meantime the house has deteriorated.  It is cluttered and dirty, and falling apart. (literally)  It is just this side of a hoarder house.  The lawn is covered with weeds.  At one time there was a nice wooden deck in the back yard.  It started to rot, so my husband and my sons and a couple of the sons in law broke it down and hauled it off.  the son  in law that lived there said he would replace it.  His replacement consists of stacked cinder blocks.

Now she (MIL) is talking about moving.  I am afraid that  SIL will talk her into selling that house and using the $$ from that sale to buy a new house big enough for her family (and presumably MIL) and the mess will just move to a bigger space. {I should insert here that while the house itself is a mess, the neighborhood is good real estate}  Had SIL and her husband had saved 15 years of  rent payments they would have enough to buy a house outright, but of course they have not.  they have 2 newer cars and have taken some great vacations over the years, both kids are in private schools, and they have not lifted a FINGER to keep up this house.

The yard is scary.  it is covered with weeds and quite frankly it is unsafe.  The whole situation is unsafe.  If she were to fall, I don't even want to think about that.

My husband does not like me to talk about it.  My own mom's house is in a lesser area real estate wise, but it is kept us and neat as a pin.  She is in poor health, and my brother lives with her, (long story) but he pays the household bills and keeps the house up.  I know that it seems like a double standard, he lives at my moms and pays the bills, but no 'rent' but he keeps the house up and it is just him alone.  If something needs repairing or replacing he is on top of it.  He also has a couple of rental properties in the neighborhood.   Even when we all lived at home, it was a neat home.  As long as I can remember MIL's house has been untidy, but this is getting progressively worse.

DH is the only son and #3 of 5  kids.  Oldest SIL IS a hoarder, last time I was in her home there were paths to walk through it.  That was 12 years ago.  2nd SIL is the only clean one, (my favorite SIL), but she and her DH just separated and I don't want to add to her plate.  3rd SIL also is a messy housekeeper, andyoungest is living in hoard with her. 

Any advice?  Sorry for the rant, but I can't sleep with this on my mind.

by on Mar. 9, 2014 at 3:14 AM
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Replies (1-6):
NDADanceMom
by on Mar. 9, 2014 at 6:34 AM
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All you can do is ask your MIL privately how she feels about her situation.  You dont want to start trouble but tell her you are concerned.  Keep it brief.  It really is none of your business in the end.  Its not your house and if they want to live like that its their business.  If she doesnt want to live like that you can let her know you are there to help her.  

Another route is to call in a report for elder abuse. 

silverthreads
by Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 7:26 AM
It is really your husband's place to say or do something. Otherwise it is best to not comment. I am sorry ths is the situation. You say your MIL is healthy so I assume she is ok how things are. If she is not, then it is your husband's responsibility to help her. Hug gl
mamahufferd
by Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 9:24 AM
2 moms liked this
you could also contact health and senior services, maybe just speak to them. see if they have any ideas.
bhow
by on Mar. 9, 2014 at 9:56 AM

Ask your MIL if she wants to live with you.

There are also codes that should cover some of these issues.  If things are unsafe city codes or health codes could and should apply.  Especially if anything is considered elder abuse or neglect.

indiamom3
by on Mar. 9, 2014 at 3:41 PM

This.  I'm sorry :(

Quoting NDADanceMom:

All you can do is ask your MIL privately how she feels about her situation.  You dont want to start trouble but tell her you are concerned.  Keep it brief.  It really is none of your business in the end.  Its not your house and if they want to live like that its their business.  If she doesnt want to live like that you can let her know you are there to help her.  

Another route is to call in a report for elder abuse. 


jobseeker
by Bronze Member on Mar. 10, 2014 at 6:58 PM

 I would be happy for her to live with us, however, the depression (the one that we aren't haveing?) hit ourfamily hard.  We sold our large house and right now ar living in a townhome wiht <half the square footage we were used to and I dont have a spare bedroom.  We ARE looking for another place, but I don't know when we will be in a place we can have her.  The other problem is that she has a part time job (yes, 81 year old still working) that she just LOVES and it is 2 blocks away.  she walks to her little job and works 3 hours a day.  Her job, church adn friends are all withing a few blocks and she is not very willing to move out to the 'burbs.

Quoting bhow:

Ask your MIL if she wants to live with you.

There are also codes that should cover some of these issues.  If things are unsafe city codes or health codes could and should apply.  Especially if anything is considered elder abuse or neglect.

 

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