Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

The Cafe The Cafe

I'm a New Grandma.....and I Don't Know What To Do!

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 143 Replies
1 mom liked this

My oldest dd had a baby (our first grandchild) and I have yet to see the baby, who is now 3 days old.  

We were asked not to come to the hospital at all before she even went into labor.  My dd and son in law wanted this to be a private time, and I totally respect that (although disappointed, of course).  My youngest son and his girlfriend were invited - but not dh, myself, nor her sister.  This is the first grandbaby for our family, so my ds will be a first time uncle and dd #2 a first time aunt.

I didn't want to disturb them, but I would fb msg her from time to time to see how things were going, and if she was alright, and to reply to her infrequent msgs.  Here is a timeline of the events:

Sat Afternoon -  dd goes to the hospital to be induced. I found this out from someone else.

Sat Night:  fb msg from dd that she was starting to dilate.

Sunday Morning: Pieced together information from my ds, and father (through my sister!), that she had dilated a little bit more. 

Monday Morning:  fb msg that dd was going in for a c-section.  After 3 hours, she msgs that we could come to the hospital.  I took the day off work, my husband came from work, and dd was already at home.  My ds was working.  I grabbed up a meal I had made them (her favorite), and we went to the hospital. On the way there, she texts her sister: "I can't eat that" and "you can't see the baby, he's in NICU". Gah!!  Wtf?? She didn't answer my msg about what room she was in, so we go to find her. Knock gently on the door.....and wait. Pretty soon I hear the nurse say she'll come and get us, to just wait in the waiting room. Ok, so we go and sit down there and wait for about half an hour. Son in law finally comes out, first thing he tells us we can stay for only 20 min. I hug him and we say congratulations.

We go in - I give her a hug, we talk a little.  Son in law keeps looking at his watch, so I do too, to show him I'm paying attention to the time.  Baby is doing fine, just being observed. Then son in law tell us his parents (who live 2 hours away), had been in to visit before us that morning. Dd shows me pictures that sil took on his phone in the delivery room, and there was a really cute face-on picture, but she said I couldn't have it. We stayed exactly 20 min & left. 

Dh went back to work. Younger dd & I went to the flower shop and had a cute display made, complete with teddy bear, chocolate bar, & bubble gum cigar. Went back up - tried to give it to one of the nurses - she said: "oh, you're mom, you can give it to her". I'm trying to keep up with her as she's walking towardsthe room, saying no, I don't think we better do that. She disappears in the room, she says "your mom has something for you!" - there is at least 30 secondsof complete silence, so I whisper through the door: "I just have a gift - I'll drop it off and leave". So dd says ok. Dash in, leave the flowers, no thank you's, barely a smile, and I scurry out the door!

Didn't hear anything rest of the day.

Tuesday Morning -  Go back to work. Mid-morning, I call & leave a msg.

Tuesday Afternoon - dd msgs me later in the day that baby will be out ofNICU by early evening. I asked how things are going, being as sweet and supportive as possible. No reply. 

Wednesday Morning (today) - msg from dd that they are all 3 at home and settling in.. I ask how things are going, if there's anything they need.  Dinner maybe?  I offer to drop it off, but not disturb them. Dd says she "is really sore, can hardly walk, and it will be awhile before any visitors".

I think maybe some humor would help, so I say "Welcome Home!", and "It looks like I'm going to be the first grandma that will see her grandbaby when he's a month old, lol!"

INSTANT REPLY (fastest one yet):  "What is that supposed to mean??"

So I tell her that it means that this has been a very special time for her, and that I wished I could have shared more of it with her.  That I'm a first time grandma, and I'm being impatient, I know, and I'm sorry.....but that I really am glad to hear they are well and home.  I ask how her kitties are handling it.

Haven't heard from her since.

Now I know they are tired, and she is sore, and I totally get it that they need time alone. Her hormones are all over the place, she's breastfeeding.....and I knew before that this may be the situation.

BUT, does this seem at all normal to you guys??  Dh is pretty upset, but not saying much. Her sister doesn't understand.  I just plaster a smile on my face and go on, but it's hard, lemme tell ya.  People asking to see pictures of the baby, or ask questions, and I don't have any to show and haven't seen baby at all.  

HELP!!  Any suggestions or ideas?  Obviously, we are not welcome, I have no idea why.....but what do I DO?

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:04 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Babymagic-Mama
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:19 AM

I really hope it is just hormones. Give her sometime she should be calling for her mommy more then you can handle. Yes this is your first grandbaby but it might be more supportive if you focus on her. That might make her feel like she is special as well. It kind of sounds . Like she is annoyed with something. Maybe that the attention is all on the baby. Just trying to pull from experience with my sister here. Sorry that's all I can say.

OrangeBalloon
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:50 AM
3 moms liked this

Have you had issues with your dd in the past? I think there is more to this. If not then just give them some time. Your dd and son-in-law are new parents. They want to get a grip on how to handle things and THEN they will probably be more willing to have visitors. They are most likely overwhelmed but want to figure this out for themselves. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:52 AM
How old is she?
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:21 AM

She is 25.  Dd has been in counselling off and on throughout her life.  We've been told she has had ADHD, ODD, Anxiety Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder.  We don't know what it is, but something has always been off. We have focused nearly exclusively on her, believe me!

Cherish77
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 3:52 AM

well seeing as she has her own issues, I guess for her that would be normal, hurtful towards you and your dh and other children, but normal for her. For me, I wanted my mom there.  She and Mil were there for dd and for ds, well mil was in the waiting room when ds came, but it was because the delivory room was crowded.  I hope your dd lets you come see her soon.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Apr. 3, 2014 at 4:27 AM
3 moms liked this
Ok um, I know you want to see your grandchild and are excited but the message is clear to me - she wants to be alone with her baby. Those moments are precious. Now I don't know why she allowed the other relatives quicker or more access but maybe it is their personalities . My sister and father are very mild and they have a calming effect on me. I have bipolar and my mother is very high strung . Now I manage my illness very well and 90% of people never know I have it. I wish I had had the guts to keep all visitors out for awhile or have them visit once and then again several weeks later . No offense but you are coming on strong with the messaging. Your daughter is likely exhausted and maybe worried regarding the intensive care etcetera . I don't mean to be harsh but I would scale back on the gifts, phone calls messaging and everything else until she's ready. She has a newborn baby she does not need added pressure. Don't worry you'll see your grandchild especially if you already had a close relationship with your daughter previously. Sorry I know you want to see the baby. I hope she allows it soon.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:57 PM
1 mom liked this
I only have responded when she has messaged me, except for one voice mail I left spontaneously last week. And I believe I made it clear that I respect their private time and beliefs. i certainly remember how it felt to have a new baby. I took her ONE gift - a small flower arrangement with a teddy bear/chocolate/bubble dum cigar. It had 3 white roses, one for each of them.

So in venting here, I'm sure it sounds like I'm camping at her doorstep. But I'm not. Please don't judge. Have seen her once in the past 3 weeks.

I guess I needed to vent - it's hard sometimes, remaining cool, calm, and collected when your firstborn delivers your first grandchild. So......um......thanks for your reply.



Quoting Anonymous: Ok um, I know you want to see your grandchild and are excited but the message is clear to me - she wants to be alone with her baby. Those moments are precious. Now I don't know why she allowed the other relatives quicker or more access but maybe it is their personalities . My sister and father are very mild and they have a calming effect on me. I have bipolar and my mother is very high strung . Now I manage my illness very well and 90% of people never know I have it. I wish I had had the guts to keep all visitors out for awhile or have them visit once and then again several weeks later . No offense but you are coming on strong with the messaging. Your daughter is likely exhausted and maybe worried regarding the intensive care etcetera . I don't mean to be harsh but I would scale back on the gifts, phone calls messaging and everything else until she's ready. She has a newborn baby she does not need added pressure. Don't worry you'll see your grandchild especially if you already had a close relationship with your daughter previously. Sorry I know you want to see the baby. I hope she allows it soon.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:59 PM
Thank you. It really is helpful when someone else is able to put it in perspective!

Quoting Cherish77:

well seeing as she has her own issues, I guess for her that would be normal, hurtful towards you and your dh and other children, but normal for her. For me, I wanted my mom there.  She and Mil were there for dd and for ds, well mil was in the waiting room when ds came, but it was because the delivory room was crowded.  I hope your dd lets you come see her soon.

nurse1997
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:16 PM
2 moms liked this

Baby or not she sounds like a witch !!!! I see this often as mothers think because they push a kid out they can be rags it's like get over your self already u had a kid it's done every day by millions of other moms too !

nurse1997
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:19 PM

Sounds like grandma u might not have a big part in this baby's life unless she changes .... I have a mom  that never talks to my kids she's always worried about her self so I backed off . Good luck doll bye 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)