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Allowed to hang out with the girls?

Posted by on May. 1, 2014 at 11:58 PM
  • 33 Replies

I saw another post about asking your DH for permission for something..and it reminded me of my friend. I have a very laid back hubby, i can do pretty much whatever i want, whenever i want. I dont necessarily 'ask permisssion',but i'll run things by him and make sure he's cool with it, we have enough money in the bank, or if it involves leaving the kids home, making sure he's available with work, etc. So that means, if i want to go to the beach one day with just a couple adult friends, i can. If i want to go out and have a couple of drinks one night, no problem. However, my friend, who just got married in Oct of last year, who has no kids, has issues doing anything. A couple weeks ago we and another mutual friend decided to take a few hours and go to the beach for lunch and lay out since it's been a while since we've all gotten together. Her DH was cool with it.. until she got home. She told me a few days ago that he actually blew up on her because he was soooo upset, that we were gone for  4 hours and he swore she told him we'd be 'a couple hours', and that it was right in the middle of the day so it ruined their time together. I think this is ridiculous, but maybe im just spoiled...?  Every time i suggest a girls night, lunch, or even for the both of them to come over and hang out with me and DH or go do something together, it's always such a big deal. She has to run things by him, make sure he has plans to do something with himself if he isnt going to be involved, whatever. Also, me and 3 other girlfriends of mine just went to the keys this past weekend for a lil adult getaway... she was supposed to come, he told her she could when she first asked, then his answer changed to a flat-out NO because he wanted to spend time with her, even though they were going on a vacation together a week later. I just have a hard time understanding how as an adult with no kids, plenty of money, and a husband who she sees everyday and spends every weekend with, can't have one day to herself to see any of her friends, not even including me.  I have 2 kids, a husband, 3 dogs, and a house to take care of, but my husband knows and understands that we each need time to ourselves to enjoy life. Do any of you have husbands like mine? Like hers? What's your take on it?

by on May. 1, 2014 at 11:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
kysmama08
by Member on May. 2, 2014 at 10:51 AM

I think that's ridiculous to have to "ask for permission". Your husband/wife is an equal not a parent to you. I run things by dh because I respect him and he does the same for me.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on May. 2, 2014 at 10:54 AM

I have never in over 30 years had to ask permission for anything.  If I did, we wouldn't be together.  Running things by someone and asking permission is 2 totally different things. 

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on May. 3, 2014 at 11:16 AM

"Her DH was cool with it.. until she got home. She told me a few days ago that he actually blew up on her because he was soooo upset, that we were gone for  4 hours and he swore she told him we'd be 'a couple hours"

"he told her she could when she first asked, then his answer changed to a flat-out NO because he wanted to spend time with her"


My husband is the exact same way, and has reacted the exact same way to identical situations, (only I wanted to go away for a night for a 5K race, not to the Keys). He's selfish, and very jealous of any relationship I have outside of our house. He'll say he isn't, and he'll try to be supportive and "cool", but in the end it always ends up like this. I went to Las Vegas for three days for my sister's wedding and to spend time with my Mom and he flipped out on me the entire time via text and voicemails while I was there and ruined my whole trip. He always apologizes later and says he knows he's in the wrong, but that never stops him from doing it.

Maida265
by Member on May. 3, 2014 at 7:52 PM

 I think a lot of this has to do with them being in a relatively new relationship. They are still finding their way and developing that trust that both will claim to have but lets face it...trust is built over a long time.

It's kind of sad that she can't spend time with her friends, but it's also a choice she is making. If she allows him to dictate to her now...I see this as being a real issue down the road. I do wonder..does HE do things with just his friends? And if so...does he also look for her to give him permission?

ZamilyMom
by Member on May. 3, 2014 at 8:55 PM

 She needs to run now!  He could be the exception, but usually this is how abusers start - isolating partner from friends, making them submissive by requiring permission, etc.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on May. 3, 2014 at 9:55 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't think it is built with time.  I would run the other way if any guy acted like that with me.  No way, new relationship or one that was going on for years.  No one is gonna tell me what to do and when.  That is a huge red flag. 

Quoting Maida265:

 I think a lot of this has to do with them being in a relatively new relationship. They are still finding their way and developing that trust that both will claim to have but lets face it...trust is built over a long time.

It's kind of sad that she can't spend time with her friends, but it's also a choice she is making. If she allows him to dictate to her now...I see this as being a real issue down the road. I do wonder..does HE do things with just his friends? And if so...does he also look for her to give him permission?


disneymom2two
by on May. 3, 2014 at 10:10 PM

DH and I have 2 kids. DH works a rotating shift (firefighter), is part of a pipe and drum band, and has elderly parents whom he helps.  I run things by him to make sure there are no conflicts so that the kids get where they need to be and the younger isn't left home alone but he does the same.  I don't have to make sure he has something to do if I go out; he's an adult and doesn't need me to set up playdates or anything like that - I'm not his mother.  I go away for the weekend a couple of times a year; I go on mom night outs with the moms group I belong to and I have friends who, if they need me (one's going through a very bad time), I will go to.  He hangs out with his friends (not quite as often since they live further away) and he has band gigs which are social events.  I cannot imagine asking permission to do something; that just isn't me.

kellysparkles
by Member on May. 3, 2014 at 10:23 PM

I don't have any girls to hang out with, but if I did DH would say "have fun!"  If I'm not home before he goes to bed he'd text me to check up.

Tracys2
by on May. 4, 2014 at 9:33 AM

Mine is like yours, except a bit whiny when the kids don't behave.

I deal with the kids myself for his work trips and extra hours, and when he goes for a few hours most weeks to play games with his friends. He deals with them himself when I have church/school meetings.

We do ask each other for "permission", but we've never said "no" except when we had a higher-priority work/meeting that prevented our taking care of the kids. It's just a respect thing, to ask if they are available and OK before we commit them to being home.

Basically, we want each other to be happy. Kind of silly, but true...

Smashley222
by New Member on May. 4, 2014 at 12:44 PM
Quoting ZamilyMom:

 She needs to run now!  He could be the exception, but usually this is how abusers start - isolating partner from friends, making them submissive by requiring permission, etc.


I fully agree.. and I kind of wonder sometimes. She told me once he got so mad with her during an argument, she went to walk away and he held her down against the bed. I would have left and never came back. She tells me soooo much about this guy, and while I know it's one sided, even ifyou put all the little things together he seems like a control freak, in every single aspect of the relationship. I'm almost surprised she puts up with it, cause she's always been a very independent girl. I know she has had thoughts of leaving, but then she just chalks his bad behavior up to being due to his past "bad relationships" and childhood, and he is really trying to change. Oook.
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