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My child's grandmother is very hateful to her

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 57 Replies

I don't know what to do. Every time my child goes to her grandmas she comes back with her feelings hurt. She loves her and always wants to go and throughout most of the trip she has fun. It's just that somewhere in every trip something is said that hurts her deeply and she always cries about it when she gets home. My first thought was to go all mamma bear and whoop some butt, but that will only make matters worse. Part of the problem is she always feels she has to defend me while she's there. She tells her things like "your mother doesn't know how to wash clothes" and "all your clothes are rags and should be thrown away" .  Anytime my daughter is there she feels as if she has to walk on egg shells because the woman is always crying and saying my daughter hurt her feelings. At Christmas she told she didn't know why she even bought her presents because she was ungrateful and wouldn't take care of them. I try really hard to explain to her that people are different and are allowed to have their own opinions because I don't want her feel she has to defend her grandma at home. It is very hard to like this woman but she is a part of my childs life. I have tried in the past to talk calmly with her grandma about this issue. I thought it had helped but obviously not. 

We are a low income family living paycheck to paycheck. We are often shopping at thrift stores and looking for the best deals. Her grandmother however is not and can do and by things we can't. I am trying to teach my children the value of a dollar. My daughter has really picked up the habit of finding the best deals. When shopping with her own money she often decide to go with less expensive items so she can get more. 

Today when she got home from her grandma's house I asked her if she had fun and she replied with not much. She then told me they had gone shopping and grandma had bought her a dress. She said she really liked the dress but told her grandma " I could find one cheaper". Grandma then told her that was rude and that she was yet again ungrateful. My daughter told me she tried to explain she wasn't being rude. She was trying to save money, but grandma wouldn't;t listen took the dress away handed it to her dad and told him if she didn't want to wear it to throw it in the trash. Then when my daughter started to cry she told her she had no reason to cry and my daughter makes her cry all the time and she tells her friends how mean her gran daughter is to her. Then just to add insult to injury she told my daughter she could find a stranger nicer than she is.

I talked with my ex about this and he said the same thing he always says "you know how my mom is" and "she is just stressed out right now". 

I'm afraid if I call her out on her behavior she will take it out on my daughter but at the same time if I don't she will continue to think it is okay. Has anyone else ever gone through similar issues? Any advice?

Posted by Anonymous on Jun. 9, 2014 at 2:38 AM
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Replies (1-10):
silverthreads
by Member on Jun. 9, 2014 at 8:13 AM
14 moms liked this

I would only allow visits with me present if this was my situation.  This woman should not be allowed to write on your child's soul this way.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jun. 9, 2014 at 8:27 AM
1 mom liked this

Start having less visits with grandma and also teach your child just to say thank you when a gift is given.  Just a simple thank you grandma for the dress would have been enough. 

NDADanceMom
by on Jun. 9, 2014 at 9:37 AM
5 moms liked this
Tell your ex and his mom that they need at least 3 sessions of family therapy before grandma can be around your daughter. Your child shouldn't be around her as long as grandma is so disrespectful.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 9, 2014 at 10:27 AM
2 moms liked this

Well I tried talking to her and was yelled at and told my child was an ungrateful little brat and deserved her little butt whooped amongst quite a ferw other not so nice things. I told her I didn't care what an eight year old says you should be adult enough to handle it without lashing out at her. and she continued to yell so i simply said if something else happened to make my daughter cry it would take a judge to get visitation back.

BmoreRavens
by Member on Jun. 9, 2014 at 11:19 AM
4 moms liked this

Your daughter is being emotionally abused by her grandmother, and you need to protect your daughter from the abuse.

I would give grandma ONE more chance to NOT say ONE negative thing to your daughter about ANYTHING or ANYBODY, and if grandma does not respect your wishes - and shows that she cares about her granddaughter's emotional welling-being - then the visits would stop.

Let Grandma know what is expected of her - in a calm and respectful manner -and stick to your guns on this.

You do not have to take this to the judge, because it's entirely up to you whether or NOT grandma see's your child; unless grandparents visitation is written into a legal custody agreement that you signed.

The advantages of having a relationship with a grandmother are greatly diminished when grandma is constantly hurting their grandchild. I know, because I had such a grandmother. She favored my sister, and did nothing to hide it. 

Never underestimate the damage that can be done to a child by a hateful grandmother! 



Pamq
by on Jun. 9, 2014 at 11:33 AM

 I agree, Grandma should be on visits to my house only!. By the way. I am a Grandma too and would not do this to my grandchildren!!

Quoting silverthreads:

I would only allow visits with me present if this was my situation.  This woman should not be allowed to write on your child's soul this way.

 

waldorfmom
by on Jun. 9, 2014 at 2:00 PM

I agree with the first reply by silverthreads.

My job as a parent was always very straightforward: promote my child's well-being. Guard her from harm.

I stood up for my kids in many situations, like the dentist's office or school, etc. Why would I look on silently in any other situation where they were being hurt, or made to feel anxious/powerless?

If this grandmother were some other person in the community, would you continue to expose your child to harm from them?

You are afraid "she will take it out on my daughter". How DARE she? If she is that kind of destructive person, then she MUST mend her ways or else leave your and your daughter's life !!

You can be determined without being angry.

A grown-up is someone who puts others' well-being ahead of their own power-games. Unless she INSTANTLY becomes a positive person full of praise for you and your daughter, then she does not deserve to have time with you !

DixieFox
by on Jun. 9, 2014 at 2:10 PM

How dare she take out her insecurities on her granddaughter!? Her response to what your daughter said about finding a dress cheaper should have been "Well, I'm not as good a bargain shopper as you and your momma, but I want you to have this dress right now, and I don't have time today to bargain shop" which is something I'm sure your daughter could've understood. The improper response was to lash out. Kids say seemingly insensitive things all the time. They don't have the filters we do. WE are supposed to be the adults.

Sadly you will have to protect your child from this immature woman, blood relation or no.

Memere60
by Member on Jun. 9, 2014 at 2:11 PM
1 mom liked this

This woman sounds mentally ill. I'm a grandmother, and I would NEVER say anything like that to my grandchildren. I would NOT give her another chance. If she wants to see your daughter, it has to be with you there. She's already done enough damage.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jun. 9, 2014 at 4:02 PM

My daughter has decided to give grandma another chance. (I really hate this) Grandma planned a trip to Florida and my baby really doesn't want to miss it, She has never been to the beach. My daughter and  I have both agreed one more rude comment and it's over.

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