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gaslighting?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
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I'm not sure that this is the correct group to post this thread in nut who has some examples of gaslighting that they've experienced? I want to get a consensus. I might have that last word spelled wrong. Sorry.
Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 24, 2018 at 6:39 AM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 24, 2018 at 6:47 AM
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Way back I was in a reltionship where he told me If I ever broke up with him I would be alone. I wasn't smart enough or pretty enough to get another guy. I was super young with self esteem isssues. Took a long time for me to leave him.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 24, 2018 at 6:52 AM
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I was thinking about this the other day. This is a prior relationship. I'm not in it anymore. I wonder if this is what one considers 'gaslighting'.

Man yells at woman for practically everything. When he gets frustrated at anything that isn't going his way, he calls HER stupid, ignorant, or makes comments about how she doesn't do anything right. But then sometimes man gets frustrated and starts ranting about something and woman starts getting defensive saying I didn't do whatever it is. Man then starts yelling at her and telling her that not everything is about her and why is she so self absorbed?

Is this gaslighting or just verbal abuse? At the time, I felt like I was going nuts.
EireLass
by Ruby Member on Jan. 24, 2018 at 10:03 AM

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SissyAnn141
by Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 5:36 AM
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SissyAnn141
by Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 5:37 AM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 31, 2018 at 5:40 AM
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I always thought it was when the abuser wasn't out right abusive, but more sneaky about it. They turned things around and put blame on the abused. They made them feel like they were being overly sensitive and what not.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 31, 2018 at 5:44 AM
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From www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/gaslighting-definition-techniques-and-being-gaslighted/


Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates situations repeatedly to trick the victim into distrusting his or her own memory and perceptions. Gaslighting is an insidious form of abuse. It makes victims question the very instincts that they have counted on their whole lives, making them unsure of anything. Gaslighting makes it very likely that victims will believe whatever their abusers tell them regardless as to their own experience of the situation. Gaslighting often precedes other types of emotional and physical abuse because the victim of gaslighting is more likely to remain in other abusive situations as well.

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The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1938 British play "Gas Light" wherein a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy using a variety of tricks causing her to question her own perceptions and sanity. Gas Light was made into a movie both in 1940 and 1944.

Gaslighting Techniques and Examples
There are numerous gaslighting techniques which can make gaslighting more difficult to identify. Gaslighting techniques are used to hide truths that the abuser doesn't want the victim to realize. Gaslighting abuse can be perpetrated by either women or men.

"Withholding" is one gaslighting technique where the abuser feigns a lack of understanding, refuses to listen and declines sharing his emotions. Gaslighting examples of this would be:1

"I'm not listening to that crap again tonight."
"You're just trying to confuse me."
Another gaslighting technique is "countering," where an abuser will vehemently call into question a victim's memory in spite of the victim having remembered things correctly.

"Think about when you didn't remember things correctly last time."
"You thought that last time and you were wrong."
These techniques throw the victim off the intended subject matter and make them question their own motivations and perceptions rather than the issue at hand.

It is then that the abuser will start to question the experiences, thoughts and opinions more globally through statements said in anger like:

"You see everything in the most negative way."
"Well you obviously never believed in me then."
"You have an overactive imagination."
"Blocking" and "diverting" are gaslighting techniques whereby the abuser again changes the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim's thoughts and controlling the conversation. Gaslighting examples of this include:

"I'm not going through that again."
"Where did you get a crazy idea like that?"
"Quit bitching."
"You're hurting me on purpose."
"Trivializing" is another way of gaslighting. It involves making the victim believe his or her thoughts or needs aren't important, such as:

"You're going to let something like that come between us?"
Abusive "forgetting" and "denial" can also be forms of gaslighting. In this technique, the abuser pretends to forget things that have really occurred; the abuser may also deny things like promises that have been made that are important to the victim. An abuser might say,

"What are you talking about?"
"I don't have to take this."
"You're making that up."
Some gaslighters will then mock the victim for their "wrongdoings" and "misperceptions."

Gaslighting Psychology
The gaslighting techniques are used in conjunction to try to make the victim doubt their own thoughts, memories and actions. Soon the victim is scared to bring up any topic at all for fear they are "wrong" about it or don't remember the situation correctly.

The worst gaslighters will even create situations that allow for the usage of gaslighting techniques. An example of this is taking the victim's keys from the place where they are always left, making the victim think she has misplaced them. Then "helping" the victim with her "bad memory" find the keys.

Are You a Victim of Gaslighting Emotional Abuse?
According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting emotional abuse include:2

You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can't do anything right.
You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
SissyAnn141
by Member on Jan. 31, 2018 at 5:50 AM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 31, 2018 at 6:00 AM
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My husband’s mom has used gaslighting to control him for years. I know the last 15, anyway. But I doubt she started it after we met, so quite possibly his entire life.

He finally saw it 5 years ago, thank goodness, I was through dealing with it. Tired of building him back up after every conversation with his mother. I was pregnant with our third and about to walk out, when he heard her lying to a group of people about him and he set the record straight and walked away. We see his family once a year now and it’s so much better.

She had thought she could do the same to me, and when it didn’t work, she became just downright and openly horrible to me. I’d tell my dad the things she was doing, and him having not me her, and me just 2 weeks post-partum, came to a checkup with me (I had a csection and was still in pain and not cleared to drive, the appointment was to get staples removed if they could be because they thought that was the reason for the extreme pain) and he told the doctor that he thought I had PPD because I was so angry all the time. He’d only met my in-laws during the wedding rehearsal and ceremony and seen them at my baby shower a year later, so he didn’t know them and thought it was all in my head, lol. After they joined the church he went to and he saw the real them, he apologized for not believing me. They would, in front of him, knowing that he knew the truth but thought no one would believe him, lie to the church saying they paid all of our bills and they’ve bought every car we ever owned and just outlandish claims. The church would give them money to pay our bills with after their sob stories, or give them food to bring to us...and of course we’d never see any of it (we didn’t need it). I mean, they’re horrible people. And now they tell everyone I’m controlling and won’t allow him to see them, and I think it’s hilarious. I don’t stop him from seeing or talking to them, they did that on their own.
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