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What should I do?? :(

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2008 at 6:47 PM
  • 21 Replies

I am feeling as if there is more to my life than this. I feel that where I am is not where I need to be. I love my kids, but sometimes I’m not too sure about anything else. I love being around for my kids and doing things for them. I just don’t know however about my love life. Some days I feel like I love hubby, and sometimes I wonder what life would be like without him in it. We separated in September of 2006 and got back together in February 2007, and since then, I feel like things have changed, and not necessarily for the better. When we first got back together, he stepped up to the plate like he was actually going to be a father, and was working really hard to make sure that bills were paid so that I could stay home with the kids. In October of 2007, when finances started getting tight, I had to resume working, and found employment at Bob Evans. Once I started making money again, he stopped wanting to work. He works, but not as much as he was, and he refuses to ask for more hours. He seems to think that me working is enough to support everyone or something like that because his checks don’t amount to anything. I don’t know what would make him think that I can support us all, but apparently he does because he doesn’t seem to want to do anything to help me. INCLUDING taking care of OUR kids. Then he had enough nerve to tell me last night that the kids and I were nothing but a burden and he wished that we weren’t around. Then he tried to tell me that he was sorry. I’m sorry, but there’s NO excuse for that. I don’t feel that I deserve that, and I KNOW my kids sure don’t. I am glad that I have a job so that I can take care of my kids, but don’t think that I WON’T go after him for child support!! Am I doing the right thing?? I don’t feel that I’m in love with him anymore because of the things that he has said and done, but I wonder if I’m holding on to so much because he was my “first.” I’m wondering if somewhere down deep I’m still “in love” with him, or if it’s just feelings of remembering what things used to be like. What would you do?? Please help me!!

*Angi* ~ Wife to Tom Sr. and Mommy to 3 ~ TJ, Emili Rose, and Collene.
by on Jan. 31, 2008 at 6:47 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lafing
by on Jan. 31, 2008 at 11:28 PM
I am no expert but I'm think your relationship ended along ago. I was once told by and ex that "he wasn't happy" and after that everything fell apart. When they say things like that they usually mean it. Staying in a marriage or relationship for the sake of children usually doesn't work. I'm not saying yours won't that is up to him and you. I wish you all the luck in the world but it sounds like its time to move on.
cortneycampbell
by on Jan. 31, 2008 at 11:59 PM

Quoting lafing:

I am no expert but I'm think your relationship ended along ago. I was once told by and ex that "he wasn't happy" and after that everything fell apart. When they say things like that they usually mean it. Staying in a marriage or relationship for the sake of children usually doesn't work. I'm not saying yours won't that is up to him and you. I wish you all the luck in the world but it sounds like its time to move on.
I completely agree!!!  You and especially your kids deserve so much more.  It also sounds like you aren't stuck either, you can move on and be able to support you and your kids cause you have a job which most people who want out don't have.  For your husband say the things he says and then turn around and say sorry is NOT OKAY!!! 

It sounds like you seperated for the same reasons of why you want to leave now.  You gave him a second chance and he failed, it's time for you to take care of your self and your kids and if that means you want out then get out.  Just tell yourself you are worth so much more then this!!!  Good luck though and I wish the best for you and your kids!!!

I haven't ever talked to you but if you ever want to talk to someone e-mail me, I would love to chat!
tjemmom
by on Feb. 1, 2008 at 12:03 AM

Quoting cortneycampbell:


Quoting lafing:

I am no expert but I'm think your relationship ended along ago. I was once told by and ex that "he wasn't happy" and after that everything fell apart. When they say things like that they usually mean it. Staying in a marriage or relationship for the sake of children usually doesn't work. I'm not saying yours won't that is up to him and you. I wish you all the luck in the world but it sounds like its time to move on.
I completely agree!!!  You and especially your kids deserve so much more.  It also sounds like you aren't stuck either, you can move on and be able to support you and your kids cause you have a job which most people who want out don't have.  For your husband say the things he says and then turn around and say sorry is NOT OKAY!!! 

It sounds like you seperated for the same reasons of why you want to leave now.  You gave him a second chance and he failed, it's time for you to take care of your self and your kids and if that means you want out then get out.  Just tell yourself you are worth so much more then this!!!  Good luck though and I wish the best for you and your kids!!!

I haven't ever talked to you but if you ever want to talk to someone e-mail me, I would love to chat!
We separated because he left a bruise on our son when he disciplined him.  When we got back together, he agreed to go to counseling, which he hasn't done.  I don't leave my kids alone with him for ANY reason, and I don't feel like I can trust him at all.  He blows money on ridiculous stuff is he has it, so I have to hang on to all the money, and the fact that my mom has to watch the kids all the time bothers me a lot.  I feel like there is someone else out there, but I'm kinda afraid cuz we've been together for 6 years.  I DON'T agree with abuse at all, but he promised he'd changed, and he hasn't touched him since, but sometimes words can hurt just as much...
*Angi* ~ Wife to Tom Sr. and Mommy to 3 ~ TJ, Emili Rose, and Collene.
cortneycampbell
by on Feb. 1, 2008 at 12:09 AM
My opinion is you owe it to your self to get out.  There are soooooooooo many other guys out there.  I will admit it is scary but you are worth so much more.  Sounds like you are already alone you just have a certificate saying you are married.  Take some pride (not saying your don't) in yourself and know you are worth so much better and I promise there is someone else out there that will give you and your kids that.  Don't short your self and your quality of life!
tjemmom
by on Feb. 1, 2008 at 12:12 AM
I keep hearing that we don't even look good together and that he looks shady...What do you think??

*Angi* ~ Wife to Tom Sr. and Mommy to 3 ~ TJ, Emili Rose, and Collene.
mtnmom5
by on Feb. 1, 2008 at 12:21 AM
If I may add my 2 cents worth!

There is a lot of power in words - either negative or possitive. Negative words can kill a relationship as I am sure you have found out! BUT saying positive things can heal as well..

Just don't make any hasty decisions that will leave you living on welfare, and in some dumpy, cold drafty trailer because that is all you can afford for your kids!

Working and paying for childcare just doesn't leave you with very much left over!

It happens all the time - it is extrememly hard to 'make it' if you are a single Mom even with the child support you might get from him and welfare - so think of your kids and whether or not you are gonna be able to survive on what you can give them!

It might be better to snuggle up, say 'I forgive you' and let your heart warm up a little - I just don't want to see you in the same place that I have seen others get into, hon.  You seem much too sweet for that!


Viola
tjemmom
by on Feb. 1, 2008 at 12:32 AM

Quoting mtnmom5:

If I may add my 2 cents worth!

There is a lot of power in words - either negative or possitive. Negative words can kill a relationship as I am sure you have found out! BUT saying positive things can heal as well..

Just don't make any hasty decisions that will leave you living on welfare, and in some dumpy, cold drafty trailer because that is all you can afford for your kids!

Working and paying for childcare just doesn't leave you with very much left over!

It happens all the time - it is extrememly hard to 'make it' if you are a single Mom even with the child support you might get from him and welfare - so think of your kids and whether or not you are gonna be able to survive on what you can give them!

It might be better to snuggle up, say 'I forgive you' and let your heart warm up a little - I just don't want to see you in the same place that I have seen others get into, hon.  You seem much too sweet for that!


Viola
Thank you for the compliment about me seeming too sweet!!  My mom already watches my kids all the time while I work, and doesn't want me to pay her, I own my home, and I make over twice as much per month as he does.  My son also receives SSI, so financially, I would be tight but ok.  I just don't think he wants to be a family anymore from what he tells me, and I don't want my kids to grow up that way.  I want them to have a happy family life.  I don't want to do anything hasty, but I don't want to stay in a marriage/relationship where I'm not going to be happy. 
*Angi* ~ Wife to Tom Sr. and Mommy to 3 ~ TJ, Emili Rose, and Collene.
kattincolorado
by on Feb. 1, 2008 at 12:48 AM

Quoting tjemmom:

 sometimes I wonder what life would be like without him in it.

if u are even wondering about this, i would say thats a sign.
why stay and be miserable? sweetie, life is way to short to be unhappy. i am 53, and the time has flown by!! it seems that i just had my kids, and now they are grown!!
life is meant to be enjoyed.

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mixedmutts
by on Feb. 1, 2008 at 11:24 AM
 Im sorry for your delema, HOWEVER, this sounds like the classic
" We need to stay together for the sake of the kids..."  I dont know how old they are, but if they are in school, under the age of 18, EVERY state has a child support system for divorced moms. I  know from experence what you are going  through, I raised my two daughters alone for 13 yrs. until I met my current husband  who stepped right up and took over the reins as bread winner and father. YOU just need to sit down, take up pad and paper, and make a list, WOULD YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM?  Pros and cons.  And I will have to say, that a bell and whistle would go off in my head if my husband said he wished me and my kids werent around....contact an attorney, or leagle aid or friend of the court, you will be better off, and it sounds alot happier, on your own without having to worry about him.  AND SO WILL THE KIDS, if he isnt a father to them now.  Email me if you wish to talk...sharon
tinadf7
by on Feb. 1, 2008 at 11:34 AM
I made my first husband leave and I was a single mom with three kids. I decided my kids and I deserved to be happy and if he couldn't pull his fair share and keep it together he needed to go. I decided being a single mom was better than just feeling like one while married............... Follow your heart and if it isn't in it anymore tell him to move on.
Tina, 5 kids and married to a wonderful husband!
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