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Nothing but drama drama drama

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 4:19 AM
  • 9 Replies

Ok, I have a question. My brother is getting married in March and I am apart of the bridal party. I was invited to my brother's fiancee's bridal shower in two weeks. The thing is I moved away from my family to another state a year ago. In order for me to attend the bridal shower I will have to bring both my boys down with me since my husband works graveyard and sleeps during the day. His fiancee doesn't want me bringing the boys to her bridal shower. Both my mom and sister will be at the shower as well so the only sitter I have is my older brother who is the one getting married and my son isn't comfortable with him and never has been since he hardly see's him. My younger brother who my son loves could help out. The problem is my older son who is 3 years has a speech delay  and because they are not around their nephew enough they don't know any sign language and won't recognize any of the cue's, gestures or ways he tries to communicate that he's hungry or thirsty and wants something to drink or eat or even that he wants to play with something. That can also cause a whole chain reaction of other problems like tantrums and crying. I would say it's not a big deal if it were a normal child who didn't have the delay my son has but because my son has a speech delay he is considered to have special needs. Then it's a whole other situation leaving them with my brothers age 24 and 18 who are very responsible young men but who don't have much experience at all taking care of any children let alone a speech delayed 3 year old and a 3 month old and understanding a babies cue's, cries, and ways to soothe him. I understand because a bridal shower is more of an adult ladies deal but i've also been to plenty of bridal showers that have children there. I'm also upset because if anything I feel she should be understanding of our families circumstances and be willing to work with me. She was always so polite and now that she is almost married to my brother her whole demeanor is changing. She is playing this princess bitch bride now. Now i'm faced with the decision of leaving my speech delayed child and his infant brother with their uncle or not bothering with attending the bridal shower at all.

I'm quite upset because I feel if anything she should be the most understanding of why I can't leave him with just anyone. He has to be left with someone who knows sign language and can understand him. I can't just drop him off with someone who is unable to communicate with him or understand him. She was around him for a year before we moved. I kind of feel like if you can't be considerate and sensitive to the situation and making it a priority to make sure I am able to be there if you really want me there then why should I make all the effort driving 300 miles down there and make you a priority. I don't know i'm torn. I wanted to go but don't like the situation.

This is the very least of the whole situation.

 This whole mess of a wedding had stirred alot of people's emotions and we all feel like my brother's wedding has been a slap in my face in a sense. It started with my brother and his fiancee inviting our ex-stepdad to the wedding who molested and raped me over a period of 4 years and now we're all forced to deal with it including my husband. My husband and my grandparents all have to sit next to him in the front row during the wedding because my brother claims him to be his father although he isn't because our dad who also molested me and went to prison left us when we were young. No one wants to sit next to him during the wedding or be anywhere near us. Eventually, someone is going to lose it and i'm afraid it may be during the wedding.

Then the dinner I drove down for two months ago that was a small intimate dinner for the uniting families he was invited to and I wasn't told till the last minute. My kids were going to be at the dinner and my brother and his fiancee expect me to bring them and for me and my children to be around a child molester and rapist and for me to just sit there and quit making a big deal about it. I have to be ok with my children being around a child molester and rapist?!

The entire situation and all the wedding events have been inconsiderate of me period. Sure, I understand it's their wedding and it's not all about me but why bother making me apart of it if they knew I would have a problem with it. I had no idea he was going to be apart of all the wedding events.

What would you do if you were in my situation? Have you ever been in a similiar situation? If so what decision did you make and what was the outcome?

by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 4:19 AM
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Replies (1-9):
abby9876
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:23 AM

I would never leave my 3 month old with some one that has little or no experience with babies. Add the fact that your older son uses signs to communicate, it would definitely be a no brainer for me! Your kids come first! If your future SIL chose to exclude them knowing your circumstances, she basically chose to exclude you as well IMO. If she & your brother can't understand that it's not possible for you, than they are just being unreasonable! I'd just send a nice gift with an apology for not attending & an explanation (just to make sure they get it).

A woman is like a tea bag~you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.


I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


~Eleanor Roosevelt ~

Diana_B.
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:36 AM


Quoting abby9876:

I would never leave my 3 month old with some one that has little or no experience with babies. Add the fact that your older son uses signs to communicate, it would definitely be a no brainer for me! Your kids come first! If your future SIL chose to exclude them knowing your circumstances, she basically chose to exclude you as well IMO. If she & your brother can't understand that it's not possible for you, than they are just being unreasonable! I'd just send a nice gift with an apology for not attending & an explanation (just to make sure they get it).

Yeah, I sent her a message earlier explaining to her I will no longer be going. I didn't explain why but i'm sure she'll figure it out because I originally was attending and me not bringing the children came up earlier today and then I un-invited myself later in the evening.

Everyone said to send a gift but i'm kind of still too upset to want to even go that far yet. I have two weeks to blow off some steam so I have time. I'm just surprised because one i'm a bridesmaid and it's just unheard of that one of your own bridesmaids doesn't attend your bridal shower and two she is practically family. I went to high school with her years ago and we used to go on trips to Costa Rica together etc etc before her and my brother were ever involved so we've known each other a long time. I'm just surprised by her reaction. If it were me I would have always allowed my family and soon to be family to bring my neices and nephews to the event but maybe exclude other guests children unless under certain circumstances otherwise it becomes a kid fest.

emily351982
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:41 AM

I think once she has her own kids she might understand a little better...then again some people never get it, lol.  Do what you think is best and don't worry about it.  A lot of women tend to get really stressed when they are planning their weddings so that's probably why she is extra bitchy lately.  Eventually, I'm sure she will let it go and get over it.  You just worry about your little ones and what's best for them.  If you decide not going is best, maybe you can send her a note telling her how much you would have loved to be there and apologize for not being able to make it.

Diana_B.
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:48 AM

I was thinking about that also. Maybe it's that she just doesn't have kids yet. In fact, I married and had children young. 20 to be exact and my friends couldn't grasp why I couldn't run out to go bowling at 2am spontaneously. I'm like hello I have kids now if you would still like to go bowling contact me in advance and do it during a reasonable hour. I have lost all my friends since then. They all went on to do bigger and better things I guess. wink wink!

Quoting emily351982:

I think once she has her own kids she might understand a little better...then again some people never get it, lol.  Do what you think is best and don't worry about it.  A lot of women tend to get really stressed when they are planning their weddings so that's probably why she is extra bitchy lately.  Eventually, I'm sure she will let it go and get over it.  You just worry about your little ones and what's best for them.  If you decide not going is best, maybe you can send her a note telling her how much you would have loved to be there and apologize for not being able to make it.


abby9876
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 8:10 AM

At my wedding, we only had kids we were close with attend; same with my shower. My shower was in a very nice restaurant (not my pick, but w/e) & we still had kids there. My baby cousin was not even 4 yet, & he's known to spill any drink/pitcher he can get his hands on (he has Autism & finds the sound of water soothing) & he was included as well...even after our own grandmother suggested we ask he be left home with my uncle! I love him, so he belongs there. Family is family & if they want you there, they should accommodate you; you obviously have special circumstances. As for the ex stepdad...well I won't even touch that! I'll just say you're a much bigger person han I am!

Quoting Diana_B.:

 

Quoting abby9876:

I would never leave my 3 month old with some one that has little or no experience with babies. Add the fact that your older son uses signs to communicate, it would definitely be a no brainer for me! Your kids come first! If your future SIL chose to exclude them knowing your circumstances, she basically chose to exclude you as well IMO. If she & your brother can't understand that it's not possible for you, than they are just being unreasonable! I'd just send a nice gift with an apology for not attending & an explanation (just to make sure they get it).

Yeah, I sent her a message earlier explaining to her I will no longer be going. I didn't explain why but i'm sure she'll figure it out because I originally was attending and me not bringing the children came up earlier today and then I un-invited myself later in the evening.

Everyone said to send a gift but i'm kind of still too upset to want to even go that far yet. I have two weeks to blow off some steam so I have time. I'm just surprised because one i'm a bridesmaid and it's just unheard of that one of your own bridesmaids doesn't attend your bridal shower and two she is practically family. I went to high school with her years ago and we used to go on trips to Costa Rica together etc etc before her and my brother were ever involved so we've known each other a long time. I'm just surprised by her reaction. If it were me I would have always allowed my family and soon to be family to bring my neices and nephews to the event but maybe exclude other guests children unless under certain circumstances otherwise it becomes a kid fest.

 

A woman is like a tea bag~you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.


I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision.


No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


~Eleanor Roosevelt ~

geeez
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 9:27 AM

Why not just send a gift for the shower, that way your worries are put to rest with your children.  If they allow your children to attend the shower, I am sure it will open a can of worms for other moms who might want to bring their kidz.  .  And why the hell is the ex-stepdad invited.  Did they know about your situation?????  If they are aware, and still want him there, I'd say screw the whole thing an not go at all.  It is bad enough you were rapped by this man, but to have to see him at your brothers wedding, is bullshit.  And Bridezilla and your brother should be able to understand that.  If not like I said before do go to the wedding either.

Diana_B.
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 6:29 PM

 

My brother knows. It is why my mom divorced him and I was also taken away and in state's custody for a long time so the whole family is well aware of everything. That is why my grandparents are extremely upset about him being there. I don't believe his fiancee knows.

Quoting geeez:

Why not just send a gift for the shower, that way your worries are put to rest with your children.  If they allow your children to attend the shower, I am sure it will open a can of worms for other moms who might want to bring their kidz.  .  And why the hell is the ex-stepdad invited.  Did they know about your situation?????  If they are aware, and still want him there, I'd say screw the whole thing an not go at all.  It is bad enough you were rapped by this man, but to have to see him at your brothers wedding, is bullshit.  And Bridezilla and your brother should be able to understand that.  If not like I said before do go to the wedding either.


aleitch
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 6:40 PM

well at first i was going to say, it is her shower so if she doesn't want kids there it is her choice (although a stupid one, not like it is a bachelorette party). then i read on more....OMG! if that happened to me, (with the ex-step-dad) and my brother was including him i would NOT be going to any of it! that would absolutely infuriate me! and if the SIL to be doesn't know, i would make sure that she was informed about it! honey i say stay home from the shower, tell her that you have no sitter and if she doesn't want the kids their, then you can't be there. go to the wedding, do what you have to do and leave!


geeez
by on Jan. 26, 2009 at 10:16 AM

Talk to your brother.  Why would he wants this piece of shit there, knowing what happened to you????  If your brother doesn't uninvite him ~ truthfully I would not go.  He needs to put your before this piece of trash! 

Quoting Diana_B.:

 

My brother knows. It is why my mom divorced him and I was also taken away and in state's custody for a long time so the whole family is well aware of everything. That is why my grandparents are extremely upset about him being there. I don't believe his fiancee knows.

Quoting geeez:

Why not just send a gift for the shower, that way your worries are put to rest with your children.  If they allow your children to attend the shower, I am sure it will open a can of worms for other moms who might want to bring their kidz.  .  And why the hell is the ex-stepdad invited.  Did they know about your situation?????  If they are aware, and still want him there, I'd say screw the whole thing an not go at all.  It is bad enough you were rapped by this man, but to have to see him at your brothers wedding, is bullshit.  And Bridezilla and your brother should be able to understand that.  If not like I said before do go to the wedding either.

 


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