UGGGGGGGHHHH!!!! ((vent))

[Nic_Stayin_Stng]

Ok, so I've posted about this before a few times.  Pretty much from the time I was young, figured that I've owed her for something.  Now that I'm an adult and have my own kids and life, she figures that I should support her in one way or another, though I'm struggling to support my own family.  I'm pretty much a single mom of two small boys, one of which has issues emotionally, and I do my best.  I have food stamps and medicaid and that's it.  That's the only state assistance I will accept and I use it wisely.  I just had my SO down from Canada visiting for a week and a half and she staid under her rock for the most part.  She and my SO don't get along, mainly because he calls her on her BS.  She's a 52yr old woman that has never learned to budget.  Over the week and a half, I had a multitude of things happen.  My cat got into a fight and  his eye got scratched and infected, so I had to take him to the vet.  It was over $150 because the eye is infected and painful.  We still don't know if he'll lose it.  Then, my intake gasket in my car blows.  I had to scrounge together $1100 to get it fixed!!!  Anyway, I my SO and I took a mini-break to the state capitol on Thursday to Saturday, the day he flew back to Canada.  I drove the 4 hours home sobbing the whole way, then had to sort things out like groceries for myself and my kids, etc before I took the rental car back.  I was emotional and tired, but as soon as she realized that I was home, she was over to my house asking me to buy her groceries with my food stamps.  The other week, I called and asked her if I could use her electric mixer to make a cake for my sons.  She said it was ok to go into her house and borrow it so over I went.  (We live across the street from one another.)  Anyway, as I was pulling the mixer out, down falls a big bag of weed.  I mean BIG bag.  My mother has always been a drug addict and alcoholic, though she's managed to get off cocaine and alcohol over the last 16 years.  She swears up and down that she's "totally clean and sober", yet she pops prescription drugs like they're candy and apparently, smokes weed.  I have no problem with people using for their own personal enjoyment (so long as they don't get behind the wheel and drive UTI), but I do have a problem with someone lying to me about it.  So, I told her yesterday, "Mom, I'm sorry, I'm really tired, I can't think about this right now."  She got pissy but left me alone.  She frequently comes over at least twice a month asking for food stamps and I always tell her no.  I don't really understand why she keeps doing it, but she does.  We got into a huge fight over $50 around Christmas last year where she disowned me, just to give you an idea of how petty she can act.  So today, she calls me up in the morning from work and asks me to go over and turn on her cooler.  I had A LOT of cleaning to do today so I told her I'd try.  I never got around to it, so sue me.  I called her when I noticed that she was home and she got pissy with me about it.  I said, "I'm sorry Mom, but I'm trying to get the house ready for when the boys get home."  (I have shared custody with my ex husband.)  She says, "Well, are you going to buy me some groceries or what?"  By this time, I'm getting pissed.  I told her point blank, "Look, Mom, if you can afford to buy pot, you should be able to afford to buy your own damn food."  She got really pissy with me and told me how ungrateful I am and hung up on me.  I decided to let it roll off my back, so I went next door to visit my neighbor.  She just had a baby on the 1st and I just LOVE BABIES!  I was sitting there talking to her, her oldest daughter and her SO when there is a knock at the door.  IT WAS MY MOTHER!!!!  ASKING THIS DIRT POOR FAMILY THAT JUST HAD A BABY FOR DOG FOOD!!!!!!!  She only looked at me once and it was to give me a dirty look.  My neighbor asked what the deal was but I only told her a little bit.  She doesn't need the stress. 

So am I right to be upset by this?  Apparently, she called my sister, whom is even worse financial issues than I am, and asked her for food stamps, too!  What is this woman's issue?  Just because she gave birth to me, does not mean she's entitled to my benefits!  If I weren't so broke due to my own shit, maybe I could have helped her with dog food, but I'm not giving her my food stamps!  That's illegal!  And she doesn't qualify for food stamps because **gasp** she makes too much money!!!!!!!  Grrrr!

I'm wondering if I should just cut this woman out of my life.  I'd let her see the boys once or twice a week because I don't think they should be negatively affected by adult crap, but should I distance myself?

[Nic_Stayin_Stng]

No one has anything to say on this?

[ForeverMeme]

 It seems like it would be hard to cut her out of your life when she lives across the street. You sound like you have a lot of resentment towards her. I think if she got off cocaine and alcohol that was a major step for her. I really have no answer for you. I think there is more to the story. Why do you live across the street from her if she annoys you so much?

[Dogma]

You are absolutely justified in not sharing your food stamps with your mother.  First, it is against the law; secondly, she is an adult and needs to take responsibility for herself and her needs; and thirdly and most importantly, those food stamps put food on your table for your two boys--asking for your food stamps is like taking food from the children.  It sounds like you have your priorities correct and taking care of your kids is your priority.  Too bad she lives so close by--you need some distance between you.  Hugs,

DogMa (Liz) 

[Nic_Stayin_Stng]

When I left my ex husband, I was terrified.  It was a highly abusive relationship and I didn't really know what to do.  We live in a trailer park and it was affordable housing that I could get as quickly as possible.  My space rent is cheap and it allows me to do all the gardening I want, when I find the time.  When I first left, she was very supportive, but as time has gone on, she seems to think that I owe her.

I'm very proud of her for dropping the cocaine and have participated in countless sober birthday parties, even organized more than 90% of them.  I have told her countless times that I'm proud of her, but that doesn't excuse her current behavior.  She's also simply replaced the cocaine with seroquel, a very heavy sedative that is usually used for schizophrenic patients, and the alcohol with pain killers.  She's still a practicing addict, she just refuses to acknowledge it.  She acts all high and mighty whenever she hears about someone getting busted with pot, yet she smokes it herself.  I don't like it when people lie to me and she does countless times over.  She's also incredibly two-faced.  She'll tell me one thing, then run to someone else and tell them something totally different.  She's exhausting, but don't get me wrong, she's my mother and I love her.  I just can't take her crap anymore.

Quoting ForeverMeme:

 It seems like it would be hard to cut her out of your life when she lives across the street. You sound like you have a lot of resentment towards her. I think if she got off cocaine and alcohol that was a major step for her. I really have no answer for you. I think there is more to the story. Why do you live across the street from her if she annoys you so much?

[Nic_Stayin_Stng]

I'm working to be able to move with my SO to either Canada or Washington state.  I'd love to get some distance, but I can't afford anywhere else right now.

Thank you for the kind words and support.  It's confusing and frustrating.  She's my mother and I feel guilty for not helping her, but my kids come first.  That's just all there is to it.

Quoting Dogma:

You are absolutely justified in not sharing your food stamps with your mother.  First, it is against the law; secondly, she is an adult and needs to take responsibility for herself and her needs; and thirdly and most importantly, those food stamps put food on your table for your two boys--asking for your food stamps is like taking food from the children.  It sounds like you have your priorities correct and taking care of your kids is your priority.  Too bad she lives so close by--you need some distance between you.  Hugs,

DogMa (Liz) 

[ForeverMeme]

 I can understand that she would be exhausting. It does sound like she has some issues. Why would a dr. put her on such strong meds? Could you possibly talk to her dr.? I know it's hard hun. My mother is deceased and I miss her every day and wish we could have had a better relationship.

[onecuteladybug2]

If you have the ability to "scrounge" together $1200, I don't see how you legally qualify for FS in the first place. It's none of your business what you mother does with her money. It's also not your responsibility to feed her.

[Nic_Stayin_Stng]

She gets her meds from about three different free clinics in town.  I'm not sure which one does which medication.  Sh was diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder, given cymbalta and seroquel for both.  However, she takes over 400 mg of the seroquel.  I've known seriously disturbed people that get knocked out by 50 mg of seroquel.  I can't even take 5 mg before I'm a zombie.  She shouldn't be taking that much of it.  There is a nasty side effect of it that can actually CAUSE psychosis in patients abusing the drug.  My SO is a psychiatric nurse and has over 11 years of experience in the field.  According to him, she shouldn't have been prescribed that drug in the first place.  I was prescribed ativan for my panic disorder and I actually had to HIDE them so she wouldn't use my house keys to come in when I was gone and take them.  I've changed my locks and she has no access to my house now, which is sad, but it was something I had to do.

Quoting ForeverMeme:

 I can understand that she would be exhausting. It does sound like she has some issues. Why would a dr. put her on such strong meds? Could you possibly talk to her dr.? I know it's hard hun. My mother is deceased and I miss her every day and wish we could have had a better relationship.

[Nic_Stayin_Stng]

In the end, it wasn't me that put up the money for the bill.  It was my SO and he had to use a credit card and I will do my best to pay him back as soon as possible. 

Indeed it isn't my business where my mother spends her money and I couldn't care less.  However, when she starts trying to get me to give her money and food stamps, it puts me in a very bad situation.  I shouldn't have to support the woman.  She has a master's degree in English and History, but she chooses to work a dead-end job that barely pays her minimum wage.  She could easily be teaching college, and she has done before, but she has made the choice not to.  Her choices should not cause me and my kids to pay out of the nose.

Quoting onecuteladybug2:

If you have the ability to "scrounge" together $1200, I don't see how you legally qualify for FS in the first place. It's none of your business what you mother does with her money. It's also not your responsibility to feed her.

[DegaTona]

 Your Mom of all paople should know better then to ask for the food stamps given to you to put food on the table for your boys. She has a job and does not qualify for the food stamps herself so my answer to you is tough love. Tell her to fend for herself however she has to. If she takes this hard hearted at you it is not your fault and don't feel bad for it. Good Luck!