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TAZER-a funny story PIOG

Posted by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 11:18 PM
  • 6 Replies


 Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled
in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled).
I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary
and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those
of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun
with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of
high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects
are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply
jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,
pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then
you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model
would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love
fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed
it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet
to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was
going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I
wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time…

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those
of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if
to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is
like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't
ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the
carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking
my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was
a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm
pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I
must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back

by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 11:18 PM
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Replies (1-6):
by on Sep. 8, 2009 at 12:45 AM

 LOL! Good one!


"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing. "

by on Sep. 8, 2009 at 3:08 PM

 I love that story.  It never fails to make me laugh!


by Bronze Member on Sep. 8, 2009 at 3:29 PM

thanks for the laugh, i needed it, even if it was at your expense :)

you sound like trouble a character!

rolling on floor

by on Sep. 8, 2009 at 10:02 PM

Best laugh I have had in awhile.

by on Aug. 23, 2010 at 2:21 PM

OK I'm totally bumping this cause it cracks me up!

by on Aug. 23, 2010 at 2:51 PM

 This is too funny. I'm glad you bumped this,,,,

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