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anyone else feel this way? warning maybe tmi

Posted by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 2:42 AM
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first i want to say i know i am blessed and am thrilled to be a mommy to such a precious miracle.  i wouldnt change a thing about her!


that being said, before i had my dd i lost 5 babies.  i mc'd  my first one at 6 wks but was told oh it happens it will prob be fine next time. 


the next time i started to bleed terribly at 6wks but didnt mc until 11.5 wks.  i was in an er waiting room went to the bathroom and mc'd my son in my hand.  i actually had to call them on my cell to come get me cuz i wouldnt put my son down and i was bleeding everywhere. i was devastated! 


they then said oh you have a uterine septum we can do this surgery then things should be fine.  i had the surgery.  got pg again this time with twins and again i mc at 6 wks.  i am sooooo hopeless at this point.  they have tested me my df my babies everything checks out fine.  they say nothing is wrong. 


just try again so we do and this time mc at 10wks.  i was beyond devastated.  i lost my mom right before like a month before i found out i was pg the first time and df lost his dad and uncle during all the mcing. 


we decided we would try one more time then that would be it.  we get pg and nothing happens much to my shock.  pg goes along great no bleeding no cramping nothing i couldnt believe it.  i couldnt allow myself hope though.  i just kept waiting to loose her.  i was certain she would die like all my other babies.  but no i get through my first trimester and i am shocked!  i start to get hopeful.  everything is going great i am thrilled.  i find out shes a girl at 20 wks and im shocked but excited.  i am finally hopefull.  i am looking forward to my pg belly i am looking forward to her birth holding her afterward bfing daddy cutting her cord etc.  all the things i have been dreaming of since our first baby.  all our dreams are finally coming true!  it was all worth it!!  i hit 24 wks and i am just beyond thrilled.  i know my baby has a 50/50 chance now of survival and that is the first baby that has ever lived long enough for them to consider viable im just so excited. 


then my water breaks at 24wks and 4 days and that 50/50 shot seems like horrible odds.  but i dont go into labor.  so i figure i will just have to wait for her to grow.  i get an u/s they say shes fine just rest.  so i go nap and wake up to an odd feeling and i call them in.  soon i find out her cord has fallen through my cervix cutting off her blood supply /oxygen.  it was like a sceen from er they actually jumped on me on the bed and held the cord up out of my cervix while running down the hall telling me they have to get her out now she was dying.  so they knocked me out.  my daughter was born 2 mins later and they say she cried.  i never got to hear her or see  her but her daddy did get to see her right before they took her to the nicu. 


this is the thing.... i feel cheated!  because of everything i have been through i wont be having anymore children and im fine with that but i feel cheated out of all of my pg/ delivery dreams.  all the things i dreamed of happening for years while mcing will never happen.  i am angry.  i feel selfish and feel bad for feeling this way but i do.  i wanted to see my dd as she was born i wanted to hold her and hear her first cry i wanted her daddy to cut her cord i know this is nothing compared to the fact that i have an amazing and healthy daughter but it was all i had while i kept loosing my babies and it was so important i just dont know how to let it go!


anyone else every had these feelings?

by on Jan. 18, 2010 at 2:42 AM
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Replies (1-10):
sweetboysmom105
by New Member on Jan. 18, 2010 at 3:40 PM

I was once asked if I was ever sad or jealous to see a full term baby.  I answered with a resounding No. The more I thought about the question, I realized that, I was jealous, disappointed, sad, that I didn't have the big belly.  I delivered at 23 weeks. I have an amazing little boy, and through all the pain and stress, I would not have changed a thing.  I did however, miss the belly.  And, I think it is OK, to have those feelings.simple smile

adamy06
by on Jan. 22, 2010 at 8:56 PM

You have nothing to feel bad about.  You haved lossed something that is precious to  most every woman.  Any loss no matter how big or small is worth grieving for, and when you add to that all that you lossed before you had your little girl, I would say that you have more reason than most woman to feel sad or angry about the loss.  Just so  long as you don't let it change or control you it is a normal and healthy feeling. 

May God Bless You Always!  May His face always shine upon you. 
lovinmystar
by Member on Jan. 25, 2010 at 12:46 PM

It's been four years and I still feel that way. I felt robbed of the whole pregnancy/childbirth experience. I delivered my daughter at 26 weeks due to preeclampsia/HELLP Syndrome. I always pictured myself having two or three kids. I will turn 36 this year. We're not trying to get pregnant, but we're not doing anything to prevent another pregnancy either. I am starting to think that she may be it for me. My husband is perfectly happy because he also has a daughter from a previous relationship. I do not feel complete and he will never understand that.

 

CafeMom Tickers
mnicole03
by Member on Jan. 27, 2010 at 12:19 PM

I know how you feel and its ok Trust me. I have had 3 preemie's so i was robbed all three times. My first son caden 34 weeks and i did get to hold him and have him in our room for 12 hours b4 they took him to the nicu. My second son Dylan was 25 weeker emergancy c-section didn't cry very sick baby 1lb 1/2 an ounce, he only survived for 5 weeks passed away from  air in the chest. MY third son Luke was 29 weeks and he is now 7months and doing wonderful. SO i still feel jealous sometimes of not being able to carry my boys full term. I want more children but not sure if it will happen. I always joke that  is i had a girl i might go all the way!

CPMom831
by New Member on Feb. 28, 2010 at 2:52 AM

I know exactly how you feel!  And at times I think that I have no right to be that selfish, that I should just be thankful to have my beautiful son!  But I want to deliver my children! I want to carry to term!  I want to experience labor!  I want to hear their first cry!  My son was a 26 weeker. And I have to have general anesthesia for every c-section. Which I am know restricted to due to a classic vertical incision. Our children are an amazing blessing!  But at the same time we have been robbed of the most basic, yet seemingly most important, aspect of having a child. Giving birth.  And I think it's ok to have our moments where we feel absolutely pissed at the universe for that. As long as we understand the blessing that we WERE given at the same time.

rikafawn
by New Member on Mar. 6, 2010 at 10:54 PM

thanks ladies it helps to know im not the only one that feels this way.  df doesnt feel like this so it was starting to make me think i was strange for feeling this way!

DnPeanut
by Member on Mar. 7, 2010 at 2:02 PM

My water broke at 22 wks and my son was born at 27 wks.  I was sad for a long time because I never had a pg belly and I didn't get a natural birth.  But, the worst for me is that I was never able to breast feed him.  I do hope to have another child, but, the reality is that this may be the only child I ever have.  I ended up with post partum depression, understandably.  Things had gotten to a point that I was not able to enjoy my new baby. I fell deper into depression because I realized that not only did I miss out on the things a woman looks forward to while being pg, I was now missing out on all the fun you are supposed to have with your new baby.  I went to see a therapist who specialized in these issues.  I was very surprised at how much better I felt after seeing her for a while.  I still feel sad sometimes, but I'm not consumed by it.  I am finally able to really enjoy my son.

I would definitly recommend that you see a therapist if at all possible.  They will be able help you process your feelings of loss.  One thing is for sure, you are not the only one who has these feelings.


Fingerpaint7
by New Member on Apr. 2, 2010 at 1:11 AM

God Bless you. Your story makes my heart hurt. I'm glad you finally have your little miracle :) I'm sorry for all your loss.

anna_mccall
by Member on Apr. 2, 2010 at 9:41 AM

I'm sorry for all your losses. I feel the same way you do. My oldest daughter was born at 32 weeks. She was strangled by her cord on the way out and had to be resucitated. The hospital I was at didn't have a NICU so they had to life flight her to another one. It was 3 weeks before I held her for the first time because she was on a ventilator. She spent 8 weeks in the NICU. My twins were born at 26 weeks due to placental abruption. They were on a ventilator for 6 weeks. Which meant I didn't hold them until they were over 6 weeks old. The nurses told me I wasn't even supposed to touch them. My son had heart surgery at 1 week old and it was really hard not to hold my baby after that. But you do what you have to do. They were in the NICU for 13 and 15 weeks. I had a tubal ligation 3 months after my twins were born. I wanted more kids but the dr told me if I got pregnant the odds were very high to have another preemie and I didn't think that was fair to put another child through that and I didn't want to go through that again either.

Melanie86
by on May. 13, 2010 at 10:48 PM

with my first child I did deliver early but I got to hear his cry, and so I cannot say I never got it, but with my 2nd child I just kept imagining it, and then I didn't get it, I had her by emergency c-section, both of our hearts were in distress, both of our lives hung in the balance, and when she was born, what was supposed to be the most joyess moment of my life was the scariest, she didn't cry, she wasn't moving as they wisked her out of the room to the nicu. And then I passed out because of my heart rate slowing, and when I woke up it was hours later, I was told my daughter had stopped breathing 3 times already and that the next morning they would be transfering her to a different hospital. I didn't get to touch my child until she was 4 days old. (she is almost 8 weeks old now) and today in the NICU a boy who was born the same day Katy was got to go home and Katy isn't anywhere close to getting to go home, I feel bad for feeling this way but I am angry and jealous it wasn't Katy going home and Katy is still fighting for her life in the hospital. I feel robbed of the new born stage. I can't even hold her right now! I've never changed her diaper or her clothes, never got to breast feed her. I did get to do that with my son but I still feel robbed I don't get to do that with her.

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