its driving me crazy bad paragragh alert.... Immortal Death

[2milesboys]

 

I really hate this first paragragh, its driving me crazy any ideas i just cant continue until i get this right 

Sieda hunted every night and was never surprised to find her prey to be some drunkard on his way home from the tavern or a runaway that simply got lost in the woods. Tonight however, it was different; the usually alluring metallic scent of blood drew her to a screaming infant. She had never seen one up close before, even in her human days, Sieda was the only child of an old duke who never allowed her outside the boundaries of her own home. She did a quick scan of the forest around her only to find the usual scents of sleeping trees, flowers, and animals. The taverns were closed down due to the frequent disappearances and there hadn't been as many runaways as of late. So the sensible conclusion was that this child had been abandoned and left to the cold cruel forest.

 

            Now that she was satisfied that there were no other humans around and that the baby was a victim of a loveless mother, Sieda had to decide what to do with the child. She refused to kill a creature as fragile as this baby. She much preferred her meals to at least be able to fight back. A loud growl echoed from her stomach and her patients grew thin with every passing minute. Her options weren't in plenty, she could either leave the child where she found it or take it with her. Leaving it was too heartless even for her and her heart hadn't been alive for  hundreds of years but taking it with her seemed senseless, she needed to hunt and she couldn't watch it and hunt at the same time.

 

"What do I do with you?" the question was more posed to herself rather than the baby, though it was one that needed an answer and fast. Perhaps she could find some humans to raise it.  There were plenty of human mothers in the village she could simply pick and chose.

 

            "Wait, why can't I raise you?" The thought came to her as fast as she had said it. Those useless humans were the ones that threw this baby away to begin with why give it back? Raising a baby couldn't be that hard, if humans could do it so could she. Sieda couldn't have children anymore and she had always wanted one before she was turned and now was her chance, but wait.

 

            Her sire! That would be a problem, how could she hide the child from him? He would find the child, scold Sieda for being weak, and slaughter the child himself. Donavich had been a creature of the night for many centuries and as Sieda heard it he had no heart or soul even when he was human. When one looked into his eyes it was like looking into a black hole, cold and dark, the emptiness that filled his body was endless. When Sieda first met him on that dark cold night many years ago she knew he was an evil man but he also had an enchanting way about him that drew her into trusting him to keep her safe that night.

 

            Sieda gave a heavy sigh; it was her foolishness that cost her, her life. If she would have just stayed inside her house that night like she was told she would be able to enjoy the sunlight on her face and could have lived a normal human life.

 

 

[caljones]

i rather like the baragraph as it is. i would aslo like to read more of the story.

[kailu1835]

What is it that you don't like about the paragraph?  If you can identify that, then you're on a great start.  I do agree with pp though - I like everything you wrote, as is.  You drew me in, and that's the first step.  I'm also extremely drawn to stories of the paranormal.  Nice job :)

[CS3mommy]

First, I love the story portion you've presented - very interesting and it has definately drawn me in and wanting to find out more...

I think that maybe you are rushing the 'wanting to raise the baby thing'.  Maybe at first just have her feel sorry that the baby is alone - just like how she was growing up human.  It's too soon I think for her 'why' as to keeping the baby.  I would make it just a necessity at first - until she can find it a good home.

Just my two cents... can't wait to read more.  Happy writing.

Michelle

[willmrcd1]

I really like the paragraph as it is.  Maybe you should just put the story down for a couple of days and then reread it.  You will be surprised how you will start to flow with so many awesome ideas.

[Spades]

Sieda hunted every night and was never surprised to find her prey to be some drunkard on his way home from the tavern or a runaway that simply got lost in the woods.  This sentance is on the verge of a run on, so I might cut it into two, or simplify it. 

 Tonight however, it was different; the usually alluring metallic scent of blood drew her to a screaming infant. She had never seen one up close before, even in her human days, Sieda was the only child of an old duke who never allowed her outside the boundaries of her own home.   This sentance also runs a bit.  I might write something like..."Her father had been a duke, and very protective of his only child.  The great manor she grew up in was the extent of her childhood experince- she was not allowed beyond it's boundries."

She did a quick scan of the forest around her only to find the usual scents of sleeping trees, flowers, and animals.  I really like this.

The taverns were closed down due to the frequent disappearances and there hadn't been as many runaways as of late.  So the sensible conclusion was that this child had been abandoned and left to the cold cruel forest.

I really like this.  I am also writing a novel with vampires.  The idea that she takes the baby to raise as her own opens great possibilities.  I do agree with the other poster, though, I would play it out a while longer before she actually decides to keep the baby.  Show her first falling in love with the child, or the idea of a child, while she tries to find a human to pawn it off on.  Let her come to the conclusion slower.  Great job!  I have those paragraphs I can't stand, too! lol.  Hope any suggestions I made helped!  I really like the name Sieda.