My friend I lost years ago

Background:
When I was in high school, I lost someone very close to me. He had been my step brother at one point in time actually, and he very often refered to me as his little sister. It was ruled suicide, but we still have our doubts. Regardless the fact remains I lost him and my life was forever changed. It's been about 11 years now, and I still think about him almost daily.

Dreaming about him is a different story. I've only drempt about him a handful of times, with the first dream being the first time I tried to sleep after hearing the news. In the past when I've drempt about him (and it's been awhile, probably over 5 years or more), I wake up feeling HORRIBLE. It's like the wound is re-opened and I feel like I just lost him again.


The Dream:
Last night he was in my dreams for the first time in years. The setting was similar to when our parents were married, with them living at my dad's house. There were two bedrooms upstairs - us three girls had one, and he had the other. In the dream there was something being offered to us, but it could only be put in one bedroom. I don't know what it was, nor do I think it mattered. Instead of fighting over it like siblings would normally do, all of us were saying things like "no it's ok, YOU take it, I don't mind". He insisted whatever it was be given to us girls (which the only one I was aware of in the dream was the sister I still talk to on a regular basis and is only a year yonger than me - the oldest sister older than everyone didn't seem to be there). We accepted but still hesitant, and felt bad we would be taking it since there was some serious illness hanging over his head (like it almost seemed he had cancer, which HELLO how weird, he's not sick nor can he ever be!).

I vividly remember from the dream him looking at me and smiling, and giving me that look of "I don't really need anything at this point, now do I?". Regardless I felt like I shouldn't be taking it.

I woke up not feeling horrible at all. I've come to realize I'm past that point. Not because it's been "so many years", but because I know he's not really gone. He's still here, and yes he reminds me all the time (certain smells, playing with my TV, and he's even been known to talk to a certain "sensitive" friend of mine he never knew in life).

I've also come to realize our lives are just a pit stop in the greater sceme of things. I very much believe in reincarnation and the like, so my thinking about personal lives right now is very small compared to the big picture. Finally after so many years, I don't hurt anymore for this loss. Of course I wish he was still here to talk to, but I don't have that feeling like I'll never see him again. I know I will, it's not a big deal like it was ten years ago.

So what did the dream mean? I'm not completely sure. I think it was more of a confirmation of those points I mentioned above. Or it may have been a "test" on his part (or my subconcious, either one) to see how I'd react to him in a dream again. It's been a LONG time, really. And I did alright. So it's possible more dreams are to come. We shall see. =D

Oh and also the time period I completely understand. Last night I was a little "out there" emotionally, so I pulled out CDs I haven't heard in a very long time that remind me of when I was about 12 or 13 and put myself back in that time period (a MUCH happier time in my life). Just kind of erased temporarily all events past that point to clear my head. So going back another year or two in the dream wasn't a very large leap from where I was when I went to bed.

The cancer reference could have also been something related to my aunt as well. She is currently battling cancer in her lungs, bone, and brain. It's been VERY stressful for everyone, so this dream might have also been an attempt to sooth part of that issue as well. Maybe prepair even? I hope not, but it's possible. This is not the first aunt  I've had pass away (same family no less, a sister of hers), and I did not handle the last so well.

So there you go - interesting stuff to read I hope. =)