Having now been married for 46 1/2 years (WOW--where did that time go?) and listening to countless married women talk about their marriages, I have seen that there's one thing that will absolutely destroy a marriage and that thing is having unrealistic expectations. And that is almost always on the part of the women and not the husbands. Women seem to marry with the expectation that her husband will solve all her problems and meet every single one of her needs. That's simply too much to ask of any human being, and it puts needless stress on the husband from the get-go. "Nothing is more harmful than false expectations, those that can never be fulfilled," a very wise man once said. Many women marry men with serious character flaws and then expect upon completion of speaking the wedding vows that he will miraculously change right before her very eyes into a man who is perfect in every way. That is an impossibility! The first time he fails, as he surely will, to behave as the imagined now perfect specimen of a husband, the bitterness and blame sets in, followed by the cry that he does not make her happy. It never seems to occur to her that his "failure" is the result of nothing more than her unrealistic expectations. Nonetheless, she wants out and that usually means divorce. If we are to have happy marriages, we must leave our unrealistic expectations at the door of matrimony, remembering that the man you choose is the man you get and that his character is unlikely to change. That same wise man to whom I previously referred also said, " We are constantly tempted to want more from people than they can give. If we relate to them with the supposition that they are able to fulfill our deepest needs, we will find ourselves increasingly frustrated. If we expect a friend or lover to be able to take away our deepest pain, and expect from him or her something that cannot be given by human beings, we will be quickly disillusioned." I, for one, would like to see this marriage killer get the death penalty.
How do you help a woman that has realistic expectations but her husband does not meet any of her physical, emotional or intellectual needs? I've seen him laugh & talk with other women (nothing flirty) but let her sit there not saying a word to her. She told me that when they have been out alone together, he people watches while she tries to think of something to say. It is sad to see 2 wonderful people that are just not good together. They have been to marriage groups but he does not maintain the changes then she eventually gives up. She has told him that she feels more like a nanny than a wife but he says she is overreacting. Her expectations are not unrealistic but I do not know what to say to her. I have watched her go from a fun-loving woman to a irritable blob that just exists....she has died inside.
awww..this is so sad..there are times that i have felt like the nanny. :-( i do not have any answers.
Quoting missamerica1:
How do you help a woman that has realistic expectations but her husband does not meet any of her physical, emotional or intellectual needs? I've seen him laugh & talk with other women (nothing flirty) but let her sit there not saying a word to her. She told me that when they have been out alone together, he people watches while she tries to think of something to say. It is sad to see 2 wonderful people that are just not good together. They have been to marriage groups but he does not maintain the changes then she eventually gives up. She has told him that she feels more like a nanny than a wife but he says she is overreacting. Her expectations are not unrealistic but I do not know what to say to her. I have watched her go from a fun-loving woman to a irritable blob that just exists....she has died inside.
Quoting missamerica1:
How do you help a woman that has realistic expectations but her husband does not meet any of her physical, emotional or intellectual needs? I've seen him laugh & talk with other women (nothing flirty) but let her sit there not saying a word to her. She told me that when they have been out alone together, he people watches while she tries to think of something to say. It is sad to see 2 wonderful people that are just not good together. They have been to marriage groups but he does not maintain the changes then she eventually gives up. She has told him that she feels more like a nanny than a wife but he says she is overreacting. Her expectations are not unrealistic but I do not know what to say to her. I have watched her go from a fun-loving woman to a irritable blob that just exists....she has died inside.
The thing is that none of us has the power to change ourselves--only God can change a heart and make it into what it ought to be and what He would desire it to be. I would advise this woman to read and implement THE POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE by Stormie Omartian. (I read a chapter a day in that book and prayed it over our marriage for years.) I would further advise her to look to the Lord to meet her every need as He has promised to do. And I would advise her to turn her husband completely over to God and watch him be transformed by the only One who has the power to do it. As her friend, you can pray with her for her husband and for her marriage and then you, too, will have the absolute joy of seeing what God is able to do when we trust Him. There is much power in multiplied prayer!!
What are your favorite books of the bible?
- NannyB.
on Jun. 27, 2011 at 8:43 AM