I need some advice

[AlabamaMoms]

We are a christian family-Baptist.

My husband and I will be married five years in July. I was married once before when I was very young 17 and had a son. His dad and I divorced when he was only 2 because his dad had an affair and wanted to be done with his marriage.

My son and I moved while his dad kept in touch seeing him a couple of weekends a month. We lived on our own with my family very supportive and helping us for about three years which in the meantime I never dated and thought that I wanted to never have another relationship again. This may seem like a lot of info. but this helps tell my story.

I meet my Husband Jeff while having a fourth of july picnic with my family. He was currently my brothers boss and nine years older than I and had never been married. At this time I was 22.

He asked my brother to see if I would have dinner with him and I considered it because my family had known his family for many years and there were also christians. I didn't remember jeff but he remembered me as a child.

I went out with him the following saturday because it was my 23rd birthday but my brother and his girlfriend went with us. I was nervous because the only man that I had ever dated was my now ex-husband that I had dated since I was 15 and I grew up in a sheltered world.

We just went to a dinner and a movie. He was really a gentlemen and didn't smoke or drink that I knew of at the time. We started going out about every weekend and going to his family atherin on holiday and such we never even kissed or anything ang five months went by. He had never dated a girl that had been like me he said and that is why he was never married before. We talked about marriage about 8 months into the relationship but realy did'nt consider al of the obstacles in the way and fully talk about things like my previous marriage and my son as well which was now 4.

We were just in love and thought that eveything would work out because we shared the same religous beliefs and moral standards and such but were we so wrong.

We married after my son turned 5 and moved into Jeff's new house that he had just finished building with the money that he saved while living with his parents. I rented the house that my son and I owned and lived in anf everything was going well. My son started kindergarden and I was still working my full time job at the arsenal in huntsville.

Well a few months after our marriage Jeff started becoming jealous knowing the standards that I hold myself to and I had never given him any reason to be. We started fighting about that when he would call me names and use curse words at me in front of my son.

He wanted me to quit my job and stay home because it was taking me about three hours driving time a day to drive back and fourth to work and he made enough money for me to stay home because our home was paid for.

That should have been a sign then that it was a control issue but I was to trusting.

I quit my job and poured myself into my sons school activities and volunteering.

while his dad got remarried and moved back closer to us so he could see our son more.

That stirred up alot of heat between Jeff and I also. In all of this I became pregnant.

Things seemed better for a while and we started going to the church that Jeff was saved in because the church where I was raised was an hour away. He did'nt have the desire to be in church as I did and be established and envolved he was fine with going once a month or less.

Well our problems continued because he does have anger management problems and I was unable to talk him into going to counceling at the time and I felt trapped having no job, pregnant and not wanting another marriage to FAIL.

I continued to put up with it secretly because I was ashamed and felt like a failure and that that it was my fault in some way. When I could no longer hide it my sister-law saw what was going on and said that the men in this family all have anger management problems because of how they grew up with thier father treating thier mother with no respect and verbal and physical abuse which I had not yet seen in the family.

After our child was born things seemed a little better but continued to progress over time. My father suddenly passed away just two months before my son was born putting me into premature labor and my world just stopped. My son was ok but I had a lot of healing to go through and my husband just didn't seem to be there. We fell out of church just going now and then and that made everything worse. I fonally talked him into going to a christian counseling agancy and he agreed because I told him the I was moving out if he didn't go .

The coucelor seemed to notice the problems that Jeff was having and wanted to work with him on anger management and couple counceling as well but Jeff only attended a few sessions and said that he the pioint that he was being blamed for eveything and was not going back. He did some better for a few months without any edisoded but old habbits returned and got worse when he would now throw things at me and grab me making marks.

I started going to the church where Jeff's brother teaches sunday school and his family is very involved in church and Jeff started going with me because he did'nt want me going without him not because he wanted to be in church. We have since became involved members of this church but no one knows what I secretly deal with behind closed doors except our family.

We will be married five years this july and this situation has continued to now my oldest son is turning ten and has no respect for my husband his stepfather and my baby is now 3 and has started disrespecting me because he sees his dad doing the same.

I am so beat down that I don't know what to do, I will close for now because I have already posted this overwhelming story already if anyone will even read it I don't know.

 

[sweets719]

First off, I want to say that I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. I don't know what I can say in the way of advice that could be helpful to you. I'll start by saying that I'll continue talking with you privately if you want, I'll be here to listen and pray for you. Sometimes having someone to confide in is all that's needed. And remember, you're never really alone. The Lord sees everything. Your husband will answer for everything he does one day just as you will have to answer for the way you have responded to him so be sure that your reactions are pure.

I know you've mentioned that you're a christian and active in church, but sometimes we tend to forget something as simple as prayer. Have you been praying for your husband? For yourself? In what ways have you prayed? Your husband needs tons of prayers for his salvation/relationship with the Lord. I know you said that him and his family are christians but some of the other things that you have said (like him not really wanting to go to church and such) seem to point to something different. He may not be the man of God that he thinks he is. Unless God gets ahold of his heart he's going to have a very difficult time realizing that his anger is a sin and then giving over his sinful nature that seems to him to be apart of his personality. When you pray for your marriage, do you pray for your husband to change or do you also pray for God to show you where you need to be changed. I've learned through personal experience that when you want to someone to change God will change you first. God hates divorce but if your husband is violent then you can leave and live somewhere save and not be divorced. As far as your sons' attitude toward you and your husband, I know it's got to be really hard to try to teach them one thing and have someone else teaching them differently but as often as you can explain to them what the bible says about how to treat someone. Verses in Romans 8 that speaks about how to treat someone that isn't kind to you, other verses on honoring your parents and spouse, and others about loving one another. Teach them in every way at every chance that you get how christians are supposed to act and when ever it comes up that daddy acts differently simply explain that we are to follow God even when other don't and maybe we need to be the ones to set a better example to them.

I hope this helps. Feel free to talk with me anytime you like.

[Carrie5683]

I read every word and I will commit this to prayer I promise.It does seem simple but praying for him every day will make a diffrence.and even let him see you pray.Not in a big showey way but you can sit in the livinbgroom or bedroom and pray quietly and if he sees you and over hears you then thats a good thing.Read great books like 'The power of a praying wife' and seriously do what they advise and stick to it.It would be great if you could get back into counseling but I know that he feels ganged up on there.Maybe he'll change his mind and try again later.

If though he is being physically abusive  you need to move out but stay in close touch with him and assure him you love him, if you do love him that is,but you can't let you or your kids be abused verbally or physically.

[AlabamaMoms]

 just checked my cafe moms page or the first time since after my post to this group.

I have been just using my facebook blog.

Thank you for your response to my post,I wasn't even sure if anyone would read it.

A lot has happened since my post but a lot remains the same.

I am still here battling the same old problems. I have prayed for my situation and tried to lay them down before GOD to somehow fix them because he has always been with me everyday since I was saved at age 14 and helped with all of my trials.

I also find myself being so defensive against my husband because I have been hurt so many times.

I know what pushes his buttons and I avoid that. I recently went to my pastor and his wife for advice and up until then only my family knew about our problems.

I told my husband that I went to them and they wanted to meet with us and pray. He agreed and went with me to their house once and when they gave us books and prayers to pray together after we left he got offended and wouldn't meet with them for another prayer session but we still attend our church about twice a month but I have forbidden to attend choir practice anymore in which I joined after my last post because I felt GOD leading me in that direction, my dad, sister and i had a gospel singing group when i was growing up was very involved in church and working for the LORD.

So being in the chior at church seemed so natural for me.

Everyone asks when we are at church why haven't I been at choir practice and they miss my presents there I just say that I have had a lot going on but my pastor and his wife knows.

Every chance that I get i go pray at the altar at church and my husband never comes with me I have even asked several times would he go with me.

I believe that your reply was true about him not fully turning himself over to GOD but still holding on to the control over himself and not giving it to GOD, when meeting with our pastor he even suggested something along this to Jeff and Jeff admitted to not turning himself over totally but has done anything about it, well i haven't seen a change.

I am not perfect but i do not take responsibility for the treatment that I get from him, I don't feel like that he deserves me but yet deep down i love the man that i married and i don't want Jarred to have to live in a divorced home like Ethan has to live, my oldest son.

But really i can't stand Jeff and don't even like looking at him anymore.

this is how i felt about a month age and that scared me so i fell down on my knees and prayed for GOD to give me the love that he wants me to have for my husband and he was working on Jeff at the same time.

Jeff's brother built an altar in the woods behind his house and jeff feel lead to going thier and after seeing the movie fireproof which by the way was very moving.

Jeff secretly prayed at the altar and came to me with a very different look and overall attitude that i had never seen before so humbled.

He stated that he prayed and GOD

 spoke to him and let him know that his feelings of jealousness was not needed that I was who he married in short basically that I was not cheating on him but wanted him and that he-Jeff needed to let his anger go he turn to him and things were going to be different.

I believed this was it with all of my heart the great intervention and our relationship turned great a closer even sexually i gave myself back to him not holding back as before before i always got hurt before.

Well he even told our closest friends and family that things between him and I were going o be great and no more episodes from him and i felt so confirmed.

About a month went by and i noticed that his old self was returning and i again tried not to push buttons but stay at a distance emotionally and he started accusing me of looking at a fellow church member who is also married and in the choir because this man is friendly to everyone and hugs everyone in the church and every church has someone like this, you know very innocent.

I again have started avoided assisting on getting up and going to church on Sunday morning to avoid a fight so we haven't been to church in three weeks.

This morning jeff and i had a fight before he went to work because i haven't been sexual with him in several weeks due to I have keeping a wall up between us emotionally because I once again have been hurt after giving myself over to him.

I have no desire for anyone else and find it very defensive that he would think of me as a whore, that is what he calls me along with devil, trash and other names.

I know this is  a long story but I had to vent this morning after he through our wedding picture off of the wall in our bedroom this morning breaking it and hitting my arm very hard after me putting it out so he didn't hit me with the picture, Jarred woke up with the yelling from jeff and saw the picture broken and wanted to know why did you-daddy break mommy's good picture which jeff proceeded to clean up and that is how the morning started along with a phone call from jeff stating that he was now sorry, the same old same old.

[iloveashton804]

I joined this group right now so that I could respond to you with my opinion. I understand that you are a Christian and that your vows are important to you as they should be. I feel as though your Husband does not hold your vows sacred. You have tried everything in your power to try to save the marriage. It is affecting your children and that is horrible. I personally think that you should get a divorce. Your husband has proved that he cannot change and has no desire to do so. You don;t deserve to be treated the way you are being treated. No one does. I hope that your family would support you if divorce is what you chose to so. I don;t think that anyone could blame you for your decision to put youself and children in a better situation. You went into the marriage with the best of intentions, but your Husband did what a lot of people do, he acted like a great guy until the vows were exchanged and then showed his true colors. I know God would see your decision to divorce him as o.k., because you would be protecting yourself and children. I think that you have tried over and over to make things right, and he just wasn't willing and never will be. Sorry this is so long. Please keep me updated as i'm worried about the well being of you and the kids!!!!   Love Jess

[missamerica1]

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. It sounds like your dh is suffering from a little bit of depression. His behavior may not be the usual signs they show on commercials but they are big signs, especially for a man that had a rough dad. 

You withholding sex from your husband will just keep the cycle going. When a man is trying to overcome jealousy you have to shower them with love & attention. I know this is difficult but  you should never withhold from him. I'm not saying this accusingly but with love....you are sabatoging any progress that your marriage is making.

The hard part is to keep loving him when he is unlovable. Don't let his moods change yours. I can only say this because those are things that I myself am working on. It is very hard. Make sure that you are eating healthy, exercising & getting plenty of routine rest. Those things will help your mindset also.

Also, he has admitted to needing to change but that does not happen over night. He WILL have set backs & repeat offenses but the quicker you forgivingly overlook them, the quicker he will get back on track. He can not change over night, neither can you but if you are the level headed one then more is expected from you. Your pastor should definitely know that your husband & you need to meet with somebody at least once a week for six months. Honestly, it should be 3 x's a week for the first month, 2 x's a week the 2nd month & then 1 x a week the 3rd month, with e-mail or phone calls from time to time after that.

Your marriage can make it but it is a lot of work. Your first post sounded like things were one step forward, two steps back. Your second post is one step forward, one step back....you are making some progress.

[JoJo1990]

So so sorry you are having to go through these things. I wont be so bold as to say leave or stay. Only God knows what you should do. I know two things, 1 God doesn't expect you or your kids to endure abuse, 2 God hates divorce.  Oh ya..... I guess I know 3 things, God is a miracle working God.  I will be praying for you and your family.

[Ang4him]

Oh my dear - I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  I am and will continue to pray for you.  

A few words of advice I would give are similar to what you've seen on here.  Continue to pray and ask the Lord soften your heart to your husband and to give you wisdom and discernment in how to react to your husband.  I agree 100% with others on here that the Lord does not want you and your children to be abused.  However, I do also know that He does not like divorce and that His desire for us is to love our husbands as He loves us.  That is unconditionally, even when the other person is unlovable (after all how often have we been unlovable to Him?)   But that can only be done in God's power and strength - not in yours.  Run to God and ask Him to guide you.  It very well may mean moving out and loving your husband from a close but safer environment.

On thing I've learned lately with my own dear husband is that I need to stop waiting on him or events (ie. him to change, him to be saved, etc) - I need to learn to wait on the Lord and the Lord alone.  That is hard and I'm not even sure exactly what it looks like yet - but I'm determined to pursue God and figure it out.

Please keep us updated and know there are many prayers going out on your behalf.  I'll be praying for the Lord to put His angels of protection around you and your household.  If you need anyone to talk to please email me from my profile.

God wants you to know that you are dearly loved and cherished - you are His Beloved.  He has a plan for you.  There is hope and it is found in Him.  Wait on Him - run to Him - rest in His loving arms.  Give up your husband and your marriage to the Lord, He is the one who can work the miracles.

 

[AlabamaMoms]

Thank all of you for your wisdom and advice,

Since my last post i was contacted by my ex-husband stating that our son 10yrs. old told him about a recent incident that happened during one of jeff's meltdowns.

Ethan was on the phone with his dad one evening in his room when Jeff went off and his dad could hear Jeff and Ethan told him that we were arguing because jeff had pushed him down on the bedroom floor because he(Ethan) was playing to rough with his little brother 4 yrs. old, that is mine and jeff's son together and jeff didn't like the way there were wrestling and playing so instead of handeling it like an adult and parent should Jeff followed Ethan into the bedroom where I was because he knew that Jeff was upset with him and Jeff pushed Ethan down on the bedroom floor and said how does it feel to have someone older and bigger push you down and I preceeded to tell Jeff not to touch him again and that what he did was an inapproriate way to handle a situation as an adult and parent.

Well a little while after this incident is when Ethan's dad called and Jeff and I were still arguing about it.

My ex-husband stated that if this sort of thing ever happened again or if I did'nt find some way of taking care of this on my own that he would file for full custody and take him out of my care.

I WILL NOT LOSE MY CHILD TO THIS, I know where his my (ex-husband)concerns are coming from and  if it were reversed i would feel the same way so I am trying to find a way of confronting jeff with attending ander management classes as this is what he really needs.

I have not even discussed my conversation with my ex-husband yet with jeff because i am afraid to at this point  as if things were not bad already my ex-husband is a state trooper.

I don't know how i would bring up the anger management classes or where to even start.

A local church is having a group anger management classes starting in January and I was unable to find any other more recent classes in my area.

Please continue to pray for me and my family