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Facing miscarriage #3 and devastated

Posted by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 3:02 PM
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Hi everyone,

I've never posted anything before but as I'm sitting here faced with a d & c tomorrow (yet again), I feel like there are others out there that have experienced my pain.  Here's my story:

I found out I was pregnant with my first child in 2004 which was a real shock.  I was raised in a Christian home and was not living a Godly lifestyle after high school and college.  I was in a relationship with a non believer and I made some bad choices and ended up getting pregnant.  I tried to rush a wedding since i didn't want to have a child out of wedlock but 3 days before the wedding we broke up and I knew it was for the better.  In January of 2005 I delivered a beautiful little boy who changed my life.  I confessed to God and prayed that I would raise my son to know and love Jesus.  God was actively working in my life as he brought me together with my husband, who was actually in my youth group growing up at church.  He, too, had strayed from the Christian lifestyle and had a son at 19 out of wedlock.  We got married in
May 2007 and I couldn't have been happier.  I was feeling so blessed with finding a Christian husband and father to my son.  We knew we wanted to have kids so we conceived the first month we tried and in July 2007 found out  we were pregnant.  We were ecstatic that we would be having a child together.  In March 2008 I delivered a healthy baby girl and praised God.  After I finally got my period back a year later, we weren't careful and I got pregnant again.  We were thrilled as we figured God is blessing us with another little one.  While on vacation down south in April 2009 I started to bleed (8 wks 1 day).  I was terrified and went to the local er.  There they did an ultrasound and I saw my little baby without a hb-I was devastated.  I had a d & c that same day since I would be traveling the next day for 13 hours and the dr. said there would be a lot of bleeding and cramping.

As I continued to heal emotionally and wait for my next period, I prayed that God would comfort me and that I would see something positive here.  Five weeks after the d & c I still had not gotten my period so I took a hpt.  It was positive!  I was elated yet totally freaked out that the same thing would happen.  I ran to the bathroom every time I felt any discharge.  But this pregnancy did survive and I gave birth to my wonderful little boy (who is now 20 months).  In March 2011 I again found out I was pregnant,  Again I was overly worried (which I know God tells us not to worry!) but I just knew things would be ok this time.  I had gotten past the 8 week mark and feeling pregnant.  At my first prenatal visit my midwife couldn't find a hb but said not to worry-it's still early.  I wanted to get an u/s done to be sure things were ok.  It was at 9 wks 2 days that I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum (sac with no fetus).  I was in awe since I didn't have any symptoms--no bleeding, cramping, nothing!  I waited another 2 wks and 2 u/s to make sure there was nothing there before i finally decided to just get a d & c so I can get some closure physically.  After that 2 cycles went by and bam I was pregnant again.  Again, I was thrilled but extremely nervous.  I prayed every single day to just please God give me a healthy baby.  I knew I had an 85% chance of having a healthy pregnancy and I convinced myself that I needed to be positive and have faith in God that He will answer my prayers.  I thought I can NOT go through this again!  I had an early u/s but the dr. said I was too early to see anything (5wks 4 days) but I was supposed to be 6wks 6 days.  He said to come back in 2-3 wks.  The first time I could get in was 3 1/2 wks which was yesterday.  I was 10 wks 4 days.  It was like de ja vou.  I laid there in horror as I saw yet another empty sac on the screen!  I cried out to God "why?!"  As I type this now with a d&c scheduled for tomorrow I feel so incredibly broken.  I love my kids to pieces and am grateful for them but I just don't undertand it.  I am hurting so bad.  I am surrounded my pregnant women and none of my friends (who have 3-4 kids) have experienced this.  It kills me.  Anyone with some good scriptures or advice on coping would be great.

 

by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 3:02 PM
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Replies (1-6):
busyizzybsmom
by Member on Sep. 14, 2011 at 3:51 PM

Wow, I am so so sorry. Your story is amazing. Have you had any testing done to see if there is a cause for the recurrent miscarriages? It's probably unlikely since two of them were blighted ovums, but you never know. Your faith is very apparent and I'm sure God will bless it - it is just so hard to wait for that day. We have struggled with infertility and then we lost our 3rd child (first miscarriage) this summer. We trust God completely through it all, but it is still so hard. I recommend the blog of a friend who has had 7 miscarriages, has one 3 year old son, and is expecting her sweet Baby #9 in December (another son). She helped me a lot through my miscarriage, and it was fantastic to have her example set before me before we even miscarried. I especially recommend this post. I read it 3 days before we found out that our precious little one had died, and it was a blessing to have it in the back of my mind through all of that. I also recommend the words of a hymn by William Cowper, found here. We sang this hymn in church a few weeks after we lost our little one and it was so hard to sing, but somehow so comforting at the same time.

God was very kind to us and we got pregnant again right away so I am now 8 wks, but we are still in that worrying-but-trying-hard-not-to-worry stage. :) Every time I go to the bathroom (afraid of seeing blood) I pause and remind myself, "God loves me and is all powerful". What more can I want? I generally follow it with a little prayer too. This has actually begun to pop into my head whenever I get worried now, so it's really starting to become an hourly reminder for me! I really hope the best for you and I will be praying for you that God will comfort you and draw you nearer to Him and that you will, someday, be able to rejoice in the wisdom of His plan for you, and also of course that He will give you another precious baby to hold in your arms soon. :)

ajjrmommy
by Member on Sep. 14, 2011 at 4:13 PM

Thanks so much for sharing-I really appreciate it.  What great advice when you find yourself running to the bathroom or lying awake in bed having negative visions of what the u/s will show. I need to remind myself of that!  I will certainly check out the post from the member who lost 7 precious babies.  Thanks for pointing me that way. 

In regards to testing the dr. said that since I've had 3 healthy pregnancies he doesn't think there is anything to blame except a chromosomal abnormality.  The midwife and the dr. both agree that it's a random thing and some women will never experience it while others will go through it repeatedly with no answers.  The truth is I know my 3 little ones are in heaven and Jesus is taking care of them right now and it gives me hope to live for Him so I can experience the joy of meeting them some day.  I love them all so much and I've never gotten to see their faces!

I will pray for your current pregnancy.  Have you had an u/s yet? 

 

busyizzybsmom
by Member on Sep. 14, 2011 at 4:23 PM

Isn't it exciting to know that we'll get to meet them when we get to heaven?! I told people in the first weeks after our miscarriage that it gave me something to look forward too and I think they may have thought I was suicidal, but far from that. :) I also love knowing that no matter what happens to the little one in my belly now, he or she will have a sibling to meet/be with. I just hope it gets to meet my 2 girls first. :)

I had an ultrasound last week and Baby was measuring just a few days behind and had a steady heart rate of 135-140 at 7 wks, so we were very very thankful to have that reassurance. I am 8 wks 1 day now and our last one died at 7.5-8 wks. I have another ultrasound on Monday and we're hoping for the same great report! If all is well then (past the point when our last one died) I think I'll be able to relax a bit more. Thanks for your prayers!

ajjrmommy
by Member on Sep. 14, 2011 at 8:12 PM

That is great news!  A few days behind is nothing to worry about and what a nice little heartbeat rate.  There is nothing like seeing that little flicker on the screen and hearing that precious heartbeat.  I hope to someday experience that but who knows what's in store for us.  Good luck on Monday--keep me posted!

Baby21677
by Member on Sep. 15, 2011 at 8:18 AM
I'm sorry for your losses. I don't know if I have anything to say that can help you. I too had a miscarriage in July. It was my first one. I have seven healthy children and I was totally shocked. I couldn't understand why. I went through the God doesn't love me, he must be punishing me I just wanted and needed answers. I've come to understand God loves me. He would never put us through what we can't handle. I am now 6 weeks pregnant and I still find myself thinking what if it happens again. I know it's hard not to. Then I struggle with not having enough faith. I still keep going. Praying I will pray for you and your family. god bless
ajjrmommy
by Member on Sep. 15, 2011 at 9:16 AM

Thank you--I appreciate your prayers!  I know we shouldn't question God or be angry-you're right He loves us and wouldn't put us through what we can't handle, but it's just so hard seeing everyone around me have healthy pregnancies-many unplanned-and I can't help but think "why couldn't that be me God?"   I seriously only know one women who has had a miscarriage out of all my close friends and out of all the members of our small group bible study (10 young couples with multiple children).   And that one women had a miscarriage her first pregnancy and went on to have 4 healthy children and is now expecting her 5th in October.  I'm not trying to sound sorry for myself--I understand everyone endures different hardships and suffers in different ways, but it just feels so hopeless.  A lot of my friends didn't even know what a blighted ovum was when I had one this past May.  Like I said, I know it is not healthy to wonder why and look at others with a little bit of resentment.  I am praying about this issue and I know God will work on this and I need to change my attitude.  I go in 2 hours for my third d & c.  Meanwhile I'm a school teacher who is missing the first few days of school because of this so it will be stressful starting work back up after having a sub for three days!  But I know God is with me and that's the oeace of my mind I need!  Thanks for sharing your story.  Enjoy those 7 little blessings and I'll be praying for your current pregnancy!  It's helped me these past 2 days to hug my little ones and praise God He gave them to me!

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